Ok, once again I am calling on you guys. It has been seven months since D-Day. H is still being wonderful. Everything is getting back to normal. So what is the problem? Me. I love doing everything with him, except when we get near the bedroom. I am still having a lot of problems with making love. Before the A our sex life was great. At least once a day and always very very good. That was not the reason for the A. The reason was he thought we were too good. That I couldn't love him, that no one could. Well now I still love him. I just don't want to have sex with him. Well I want to but when it comes time to I freeze. I mean freeze. I feel dirty, sleazy. Like what he had with her. (a stranger off the net). I am so disgusted with myself. I know I need to get over this I just don't know how. I feel weak. I feel like I should be strong enough to get over this, I am so afraid that I am going to end up pushing him away from me. I have so much anger. I was so so in love with this man. So happy. So secure. So trusting. Now I feel so cheated. We are both in counseling. He doesn't want to go to marriage counseling, says it would be too hard, says he will if I insist, but that it would really hurt him to go through it. I feel like this A changed everything I felt he was. I realize that I put him too high on a pedestal. I swore to myself a long time ago that I would not stay with a cheater, I am staying but I feel rotten about myself. If I talk with him he feels awful. If I don't I feel awful. I don't blame him, I don't get angry I just need his help to get over this. I want my marriage, I want my sex life back. I tell him I want back what I had he tells me to take it back. I don't know where in the H**& it is. I feel like I am wandering around in the darkness trying to find a pin on the floor with gloves on. I don't have anyone to talk to. I am afraid that I will turn to someone else to feel what I am craving when I have it right in front of me. I feel like I am going nuts. Anyone that has any advice please help me. I read all of the post and so many have it so much worse. I don't know what is wrong with me, why I can't gain some prospective on this and move forward. Thanks for letting me rattle. Jenni

Jenni,<P>I haven't felt anything quite as extreme as you but there have been moments that I have felt dirty. Like, right in the middle of "it" my mind will go there and I will wonder what they did. I dont really want to know. I have to talk myself back. I really enjoy being with my H. Things were good before I found out about the A. Things have gotten better since. I do have those moments however when I just feel so violated. There was a breach in this trust that I gave to him in moments of deepest intimacy. That is something very hard to get over. It takes time.<BR>Is it possible for you to try, even if you don't feel like it. It doesn't have to be anything spectacular. Just try and maybe you will start to feel comfortable with things again. Also, your H needs to do whatever he can to make you feel safe again and if that means talking about how you feel then so be it. He can't just have an A and expect not to deal with any of the fallout. Of course there a bad feelings(shame and guilt) to be dealt with but he knew that there would be major fallout from his actions. For your sake I hope he steps up to the plate. <P>take care,<BR>cleo

Cleo<BR>Thank you so much for posting, I do still function, H knows when it gets bad, he cringes. I know he feels horrible but yes I have told him that if we are in this together then unfortunately he needs to stand by me also. I tell him that I am sorry that this (talking) hurts him and reminds him of the hurt caused by the A. But on the other hand he is the one that made that choice. I sure didn't get a call and wasn't asked for my opinion before he decided to sleep with her. I am more dissapointed in myself at this point. We make love not as often as we used to but it isn't bad, he doesn't always know how bad I am feeling, most of the time I can overcome it. Or at least not show it. There are just some times the thought of making love turns my stomach. I think I believed that our sex life was so good because I loved him so much, and felt so safe with him, now I have lost so much respect for him and do not feel safe at all with him. The attraction hasn't been what it was since I found out. My counselor assures me that I am safer now then ever before since my H has had a nervous breakdown. My H also assures me that he is never going anywhere and he is 100 percent accountable for his time. He is doing everything right, why can't I get past this thing. I am not giving up I am just so scared that I am never going to feel the love for him that I once felt. Jenni

Jenni, in "affair recovery time" you are just beginning... give yourself some space, and your husband some space also. Don't feel so badly about what seems to you like taking too long in recovery... really, you haven't been in recovery very long.<P>Suggestion about counseling: Try "Solution Oriented Brief Therapy" - it is therapy that helps by giving you new behaviors to practice in your recovery and doesn't minutely examine all the details of "why" ... Solutions are the key, rather than looking at causes. It has proven to be extremely effective for marriages that are in trouble because it is very effective very quickly.<P>You can't "forget" so easily... I have heard those in recovery say that they never completely forget, but they do find that thoughts of the affair are replaced by new memories of their successful marriages.<P>It will happen, don't despair.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>