Dear Karl:<P>Thank you for your reply.<P>Yes, I agree, when I find it so difficult to go on, I try to remember the pain I put him through, and that he was, where I am now.<BR>I try to remember that he too suffered, as I am right now.<BR>I am showing him nothing but love, understanding, a new found respect, kindness and am there for him every night.<BR>I have made him my first priority and have let him know how important he is to me, and that he is my "everything"<P>Yes, the ball is in his court now, and I will have to sit back and be patient.<BR>Thank you for your kindness and concern.<BR>

Dear Please Help:<BR>No, I am not young, but I thought this was a place where I could be "honest" about my feelings. No, I don't regret the affair, because I know there is nothing I can do to take back the PAST.<BR>I never responded to your NO-CONTACT letter because I have been sick, and do not have access to the internet as often as other people may have. I hope you can understand that I work full-time and cannot access a computer until I get home, which is late, and lately, I have been ill.<BR>I have not had the time to search this website for it.<BR>I have nothing but positive feedback for my H when I see him and am with him.<BR>This is the only place where I can express my true feelings, and am disappointed that you and others criticize my honesty, even though I know you're intentions are good.<BR>If I cannot speak my mind here, then why am I here? <BR>I feel I have latched on to some religious site, where I have to be extremely remorseful for my affair. I am still new at this, and only a month out of the affair. Of course I still think about the OM, but only in MY thoughts. I still am having withdraw effects from leaving the affair and hope you and others can understand how hard it is to let go. <BR>Yes, I have made a commitment to stop the affair, but that doesn't stop me from feeling the pain and effects of the affair.<BR>I have come to this site for advice and to be able to express my feelings and emotions, not to be reprimanded for my honesty!<BR>The only reason I said I miss my OM's hugs and kisses, is the fact that he was an extremely affectionate person, which is one of the reasons why I had the affair. I am just trying to come to terms about how the affair started, and what prompted me to do it.<BR>I miss his affection, because this is something my H never gave me. <BR>My thoughts on this site are indeed just that, in WRITING. <BR>Please do not judge me for coming to this site and being able to express my HONEST feelings. Of course, I would never express or show these emotions or feelings to my H. I have nothing but respect for him now.<BR>Yes, I do agree that the OM was not an honorable person to have carried on the affair, but there must have been other qualities that attracted me to him in the first place.<BR>I really do not want to have these angry feelings that you express about the OM, as I don't think they will help me that much, but this is my opinion, and people are different.<BR> <BR>I have never thought of the OM as my soul mate and have never for one moment during the affair thought we would end up together. I never had any intention of leaving my H for this OM.<P>Out of curiosity, are you in a position where you were cheated on? <P>

Dear High Infidelity:<BR>Sorry for the late reply, but I have been ill and not able to access computer at work!<BR>I understand your statements about the people here only wanting to help, but I also want to say that I would like to express myself honestly here, and not be criticized for it, even thought intentions may be good.<BR>I am just new here and freshly out of an affair for only one month.<BR>Not only am I sensitive right now, but deeply depressed, and bound to take any criticism harshly right now.<BR>I am doing everything in my power to get my marriage back on track. My disappointment is that I don't have anyone to talk to about my feelings and fears, except my therapist. When I wrote about my feelings for my OM here, I did not expect such hate and anger from members. <BR>Yes the affair was wrong, but that does not make the OM a vicious and cruel person.<BR>I have not written the whole story, but he entire time we were together, he was ridden with guilt, and we fought constantly.<BR>To many people's surprise here, he has always encouraged me to go back to my H. Yes, that's the truth, and everytime my H called, or wanted to do something, he immediatley made me go with him.<BR>Although the affair was wrong, in this case, the OM until the very end, always knew I would go back to my H, and even pushed me, yes, pushed me to reconcile, and just remain friends with him. It was me, who did not want to go back to H!<BR>We are both lying to each other (H and I). I lied to him in the past about the affair, and now he lies to me about the "amount" of time he is with OW.<BR>Please read my other posts.<BR>I am new here and am very senstive right now to any kind of criticism, so try and be understanding, and I thank you for your kindness!<BR>I took your advice and did tell my H how proud I was of him, that he waited that long for me and suffered every day and night, waiting for me to come home.<BR>I told him I was in the same position as him right now, and although only in it for a month, I am not as strong as he was, and marvel at how strong he really was! He did not comment, but I'm sure I got the point across.<P> <P>

lee-ann<P>I suspect the reason people jumped on that statement,is because quite often a WS will come here or will tell there spouse that they want the marriage back, but still want to be friends with the OM/OW. Further, many with an OM/OW waiting in the wings will not make a good effort toward restoring their marriage.<P>Hence many hop on that statement. It makes sense and they want to remind you that if you still feel this way about OM, there is little chance your H will gain confidence in you and end his A. <P>Indirectly, what people are telling you that it will take more than a month for your H to trust you have indeed let the OM go. The odds are high that in your state of withdrawal your can sense that OM is still in your heart and he will not voluntarily hurt himself again. Please note that in the 20 months of your affair you H probably became very good at telling when OM was on your mind. He can probably read you very well.<P>So while you say you are working on getting your H back, the presence of the OM in your thoughts is still pushing him away. I suspect many people picked that up from your post and so have been pretty direct in telling you what you need to do.<P>It sounds as if you know what you need to do. You need to get through withdrawal, first and formost. Then maybe your H will have more confidence. I will tell you this, your H's self esteem is probably shot. Whether he and OW are intimately involved isn't really the problem. She is feeding his sense of self-esteem just by being with him and listening to him. That feels awfully good to him right now and is probably more important to him than the sex is from her.<P>I would be inclined to believe him that no sex has occured. That is the good news. The bad news the sex wouldn't be half as hard to deal with as the emotional attachment. Right???<P>So hang in there and heal. Get through the withdrawal. I suspect that as you do, your H will draw closer to you. <P>I will offer on last thing to consider and avoid if at all possible. Don't go into the comparing hurt/pain thing. Don't believe for a moment that you can justify you A now because he had one. You both have had A's, but cause and effect is in play here. You basically destroyed your marriage and he has responded.<P>If you want to rebuild just go there with the "we are even since we both did it, thing." You both have issues to address address yours and your remorse for having your affair. Let him address his.<P>Does this make any sense to you? I hope so.<P>By the way you said you weren't young. Do you mind telling us your age? Sometimes it helps to know the experience level of the people we are posting to.<P>God Bless,<P>JL<P>

That was much nicer. It is appreciated by all here. I don't have much time to comment right now other than repeat what you told him at least a few more times over the next few weeks. Your affair shattered his ego and your continuation de-maculated him and the cruelty of lies over time made throw his values away. Try to back your words with your actions. Keep every promise that you make, even the smallest. Try to understand that your words have lost the value and sincerity the once did. Make sure that every one of them from here on out has a basis in truth, love, care, and concern as you would a small child that you had unintentionally hurt. <BR> <BR>I would suspect that your husband is a man of some depth of character and integrity (or was), by the length of time he tried to reconcile with you before drawing the last line in the sand. A BS makes a habit/hobby/obsession with reading between the lines in the words and actions of a WS. He will probably notice these changes in your words quickly. That doesn't mean the he will believe it or act upon it immediately, but he will notice. <P>I have a little insight here as I waited as long as your husband and had a revenge affair as well. I just looked in the mirror after 6 weeks of it and hated what I saw. It wasn't me, never was, never will be again.<P>You made an excellent choice returning to this forum. <BR><p>[This message has been edited by Hi Infidelity (edited February 23, 2001).]

Lee-Ann,<BR>I agree with Hi-Infidelity. That was a much nicer response. I definitely did not mean to offend you, and I appologize if I did. We all have the same goal here, and that is to make our marriage and OURSELVES the best we can be. It is not a fanatic religious site (at least not all the time), but there are all sorts of people here. Please stay and post and read, and don't get frightened off. (even by people who jump all over you...present company NOT excluded). You will learn alot here about what you're going through, about what your husband is going through and lots of ways to cope. Now, I want to say to you...WELCOME. Your thoughts and fears and hopes and dreams are safe with us. Even those of us that don't always agree. <P>John

Dear Boomer:<BR>Thank you for your reply and your kind words. I also apologize for my rudeness.<BR>I find myself on a roller coaster, one moment, feeling hopeful, the next minute, full of anger and extreme sadness.<BR>As I mentioned in my earlier posts, I'm just feeling so vulnerable and sensitive, and yes, this is all new to me.<BR>Thank you for making me feel "at home" here, and that there are people who are truly concerned!<BR>I guess I do need to grow thicker skin and be stronger, but Boomer, there are days when its just so hard! When I feel that I'm not going to make it. These feelings surround me and try to entice me to give up.<BR>I have actually started to feel "hate" for my OM, weird huh? But I, along with him, did create this awful mess, which has left my H devestated, and my marriage in shambles.<P>I am glad that you wrote back to tell me I can be honest with my feelings here, and it is only here, that I can express them!<P>I do have some good news! Usually my H goes out with the OW on Tues nights, all day Wednesdays, and Friday and Saturday nights. He spends all day Sunday with me.<P>I don't know if he's feeling sorry for me, or coming around, but he asked me to dinner tonight! I was expecting to have to wait for him again tonight!<P>I just got my car back from the body shop, after an accident, and then my H backed it into something and damaged it again.<BR>Usually I would have thrown the worst fit ever! I took it calmly and told him that it was just a car, that can be fixed, unlike him, who is so important to me, and that he was ok.<P>He felt extremely bad, and I guess that's why he's spending more time with me....<P>I do have to say I am proud of myself, as I have tried to be more patient, understanding, and loving with him.<P>No more angry outbursts or fighting.<P>I don't want to send him to the arms of the OW.<P>Anyhow, he is slowly coming around. <BR>Last week, he told me to wait for him, that he was trying to find his way back to me and that he was almost home. I didn't know quite what that meant??<P>I find everytime he comes closer to me or spends more time with me, or does something positive, I am happy, but I am so cautious.<P>I don't want to get my hopes up and I certainly have not put any pressure on him.<P>I do not ask him his whereabouts, I make sure to have a good meal for him after work, regardless if he comes home to eat it or not, I've kept the house clean, and I try to smile when he comes home late (after being with her).<P>I have been home every night and have NOT called the OM in more than a month.<P>Despite my stupid snooping and finding out that he spend hundreds of dollars on OW for Valentine's Day and only a pittance on me, I still thanked him graciously for what he did buy me for Valentine's Day, even though it's killing me inside!<P>I leave him little notes all the time and do little things for him too.<P>For example, he bought a sweater that he really liked and got a stain on it, I washed it for him, and it left these blotches, which ruined it. <P>I immediatley went out and bought him a replacement sweater.<P>Also, he's been sick lately, and I stocked up on all kinds of cough/cold medicine with a reminder each night to take some before he goes to bed. I even boiled soup for him for 3 hours, and he was so appreciative.<P>What I do need advice on Boomer is this - <BR>Why does he alternate between hot and cold.<BR>One minute he'll be loving and all over me, the next morning, he'll be cold and distant?<P>I try not to act too "over the top" when he doesn't something nice for me, less he feel guilty..<P>I also don't know how he did it? But how do I get over the hurt, when I know he's with her, and I'm at home waiting??<P>Love to hear from you again and am so pleased to have found a friend, even though we got off on the wrong foot!<P>With thanks and respect,<BR>Lee-Ann<P>

I too welcome a new friend to talk to. <BR>I by no means have answers to alot of your questions, but I'll try...<P>The "hate" you feel is probably too strong of a word, but the sentiment is right. By sleeping with a married woman, he put you and himself at a great risk, and if he truly cared about you he could have/would have waited...but that's just my opinion....<P>I am also glad you wrote back, I was quite "upset" about what happened between you and I and even though I haven't shared much about my situation here, I do feel that this is a very good place to learn from.<P>I'm very glad he asked you to dinner. Keep depositing those love units (have you read about those yet). They do make a difference. And as far as controlling your anger, that may be one of the things that makes withdrawls from his love bank, so that is most definitely a good thing.<P>"I do have to say I am proud of myself, as I have tried to be more patient, understanding, and loving with him."<P>That's great, keep it up!<P>"Anyhow, he is slowly coming around. <BR>Last week, he told me to wait for him, that he was trying to find his way back to me and that he was almost home. I didn't know quite what that meant??"<P>Hard to know what that means, Maybe he's telling you that he won't make you wait as long as he waited for you.<P>"I have been home every night and have NOT called the OM in more than a month."<P>That is the most important thing for you to do right now. No contact with the other man and being the best wife/friend to your husband you can. You are practicing plan A..you just didn't know it.<P>"What I do need advice on Boomer is this - <BR>Why does he alternate between hot and cold.<BR>One minute he'll be loving and all over me, the next morning, he'll be cold and distant?"<P>I don't know, but maybe during the loving times, he sees his future with you, loves you for staying with him, and is so happy that you chose to try. During the cold and distant times, I would assume he is either obsessing about the time you spent with the OM and/or thinking about his OW. I just don't know.<P>"I also don't know how he did it? But how do I get over the hurt, when I know he's with her, and I'm at home waiting??"<P>That one is one you probably have to work through on your own. I believe everyone deals with it a little differently. For you, maybe if you focus on the little things, the things that keep you going one more day, the love you feel for him, the desire you have to make your marriage stronger. Heck, maybe even just start reading.. Surviving an Affair is a great book to read, as is LoveBusters. Or maybe you just come to this site... Lots of archived messsages to read through if you're new.. :-)<P>"Love to hear from you again and am so pleased to have found a friend, even though we got off on the wrong foot!"<P>Me Too... <P>Good Luck to you, you can do it...<P>John<P><BR>[This message has been edited by boomer (edited February 23, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by boomer (edited February 23, 2001).]

Hi Boomer:<BR>Thanks so much for your quick reply.<BR>Why don't you tell me about your situation, I'd love to be there for you also!<BR>I will send a long reply on weekend, when I'm not at work, and perhaps at home, waiting for H.<BR>Will let you know how dinner went.<P>You make me smile <BR>Lee-Ann<P>Have a great weekend!<P>P.S. Have tried to get the book Surviving an Affair, but unfortunately, in my area, it will take 6 weeks to get in!!<P>

See the sandbox is big enough for every one to play in. <grin> Lee-Ann you're off to a good start. No time, gota go pick up kids from school. Have a great weekend.<P>Mike<BR>

Lee-Ann,
Unfortunately, it is not in the best interest of my situation to discuss it in this forum. (BIG lovebuster).. Have a great weekend...

John

<small>[ February 17, 2003, 08:30 AM: Message edited by: boomer ]</small>

lee ann I'm a lurker, but wanted to tell you that its great that you are so open about your feelings, regarding the om. its only in that way that those who want to help can properly respond to you. if someone wants to give advice they must know where you are emotionally. I think many on the board fail to realize that. I believe your feelings can and will change somewhat but thats in the future. You are asking for help and support now. One thing you didnt mention was, did you give your hus. sex during the affair? I am wondering how alienated he might have felt. If he had no emotional connection with you, I'm amazed that he could hang on so long. Are you prepared to wait 20 months, or longer for him? While many on here really put your other man down, it seems that he had your best interest at heart. reference to his encouraging you to return and to go to your husband when he asked you. Not that I condone the behavior. We are all weak and life is messy. God bless

I just read this thread for the first time, and I am happy that Lee-Ann and Boomer are on good terms now. It was very tense on the first page.<P>Lee-Ann, I'm by no means qualified to help, because I'm just in Plan A hoping my wife comes back. But it is encouraging that your H tells you he loves you, and is appreciative of what you do. I see hope in your situation, just based on how you are behaving (no LBs, depositing Love Units) and how he is reacting. It seems that he is in the thick of an affair himself, not able to get out, but yet he is still at home and telling you he loves you. That is good.<P>All those things you are doing for him (soup, sweater, meals, etc.), keep it up and he will continue to notice. I'm sure with his hurt that he feels from your affair, he is confused now...BUT...he is home and loves you. Just keep it up and give it time. Good luck.

Hi Boomer:<BR>My email address is aara1350@hotmail.com<BR>Hope to hear from you also!<BR>Hope you're enjoying your weekend too!<P>Lee Ann<P>

Dear Joell:<BR>Thanks for your reply.<P>I'm glad to hear that my feelings for the OM are understood. I still have not called him, but do think about him from time to time.<BR>I hope with time, this will diminish.<BR>Yes, I did give my H sex now and then during my affair, and now that the affair is over, I am available to him whenever he feels like it, less he run to the OW. I feel I must give him EVERYTHING he needs and desires, so he will see what a comforable HOME life he has!<BR>Yes, I have an amazing H who loves me and doted on me! Imagine the pain I put him through. For the first year, he sat at home every night waiting for me to come home.<BR>He tried everything to get me back, some methods were too much. He recorded my phone calls, had me followed, took things from my purse, broke into my locked briefcase, read my daytimer, even had a girl try to pick up my OM, it almost worked, but the OM caught on! <P>Selfish as I may seem, no I don't think I could wait 20 months, not that I don't love him, but emotionally, I'm not strong enough and have had to remain on Paxil so I don't get suicidal thoughts when H is out with his OW, like tonight!<P>I may get flak for this, but the OM was not as bad as some OM might have been in an affair. I did not lie to him and I told him I was married the first day I met him!<P>He knew I was not happy and had serious marriage problems. He himself was a commitment phobe and not ready for marriage, so we knew it would not last. We were just having a good time. So many times, the guilt got to him and we fought like hell and broke up. Many, many times he pushed me to go back to my H, because he knew my H was a good man. <P>Although he was wrong to carry on the affair, I do have to say that he showed another side to this affair. <P>DON'T get angry readers, but in a strange way, he did have respect for my H, and did everything in his power to be discreet.<P>Whenever H called me, he always pushed me to go to him, even if it meant we were in the middle of dinner or something else. When I said I had plans or commitment with H, he NEVER gave me a hard time, he encouraged me to be nice to H and spend time with him also.<P>He told me to not call him when I was with H, and he never called me when he knew I was with H.<P>We never spent any holidays together, because he knew I wanted to be with H, and even let me go on vacation with H, and never made me feel pressured.<P>He must have known also that I had sex with H sometimes, and never said anything.<P>Whenever we had to go the mall that my H worked at, he took extra care to walk a good distance away from me, and when he drove me home, he parked a few houses away.<P>When I talked to him about the possibility of leaving my H, he was ADAMANT that I not do it, he convinced me not to leave H, and said that H was the best thing for me, since he knew he could not give me the "other" things in a relationship. <P>He never talked bad about my H and always, always pressured me to go back and work things out. This eventually weakened our relationship, because I thought he didn't love me enough, but he tried to make me see, that he loved me that much, that he wanted what was best for me, even if that meant giving him up and going back to H.<P>The last few months of our relationship, he even tried to help me win H back!<P>Every day he would call for a progress report and he would give me advice on how to win him back. I know this sounds weird, but when I told him the small signs of H responding, he was genuinely happy for me.<P>He saw how miserable I was and the pain I was going through trying to get H back, and each time H was with OW, he would try and cheer me up, etc.<P>After awhile, we had a fight and my feelings for wanting H back so bad, over rode the feelings I had for him.<P>I was forced to make a choice.<P>My regret is not going back to H sooner. You see, if I had come back to H in November, I could have had him back, but by then, he had already met someone!<P>Now, I'm in the same spot my H was in, and I'm the one sitting at home, crying and in such pain and agony, waiting for HIM to come<BR>home from being with OW.<P>Times like tonight, it would be so easy to call OM, since I know he would still want to carry on the affair, until I END it, but I have to stay strong and focused.<P>Thanks for listening.<P><BR>0<P>

Dear Rick 37:<P>Thanks for your reply.<BR>I am also glad to be on good terms with Boomer and regret my words to him originally.<BR>I can only say that at the time, I was really hurt and angry and only a week ago, had tried to commit sucide, while waiting for H to come home from OW.<P>I know I keep getting advice to give it time, and I surely do think its my time to suffer now, but I'm not as strong as my H was and don't think I can hold on!<P>Like tonight, I know he is with OW, and it's killing me inside, wondering where he's taking her, what they're doing, etc.<P>Meanwhile, I'm at home, crying my eyes out, waiting for him to come home, and trying to remind myself not to act hurt and angry when he comes home at 4:00 in them morning!<P>It's hard, really hard, and I don't know if I can hold on ....<P>I know if I love my H and really want my marriage back, I'll wait, but the pain is excruciating!<P>I'm selfish to say this, but I want and need him back now!<P>I can't go another night without him, and the times he is with "her" are unbearable!<P><BR>

edited. Sorry. <p>[This message has been edited by tryingtoheal (edited February 25, 2001).]