I guess the reason for the question is my H walked out in November saying it was over and he did not love me - he came back for 4 days to get the house ready for his final departure and left and has not wanted ANY contact with me since-just took his clothes and left. I had no signs that our marriage was this far on the brink. (We were having trouble in October and he would not tell me why he was so grumpy) But thats it - nothing else from him unless it has to do with a divorce. He has spent all of this time with OW. I feel like I have leprosy or something. If I try to meet with him to discuss stuff he is fast to duck out.(I am nice during these meetings and try my best to empathize) He won't even come over to look at my car or the furnace in our house. If he calls its because he wants the tax stuff done. When he does talk to me he never says anything nice to me. I just do not get it. I am a pleasant person and I am told I am attractive. I have not said anything mean to him and haven't done too much love busting. I guess I just do not get it.

Let me add that during this I have mentioned to him the reasons why I have come across to him that would make him leave and all he can say is that its because I complained about our fence he had put up and I wanted to make changes to the house so therefore I was never happy. I have admitted to these short comings and have changed them and have mada ALOT of changes in myself. H does not even come around to see them. He doesn't even ask friends how I am or anything. Its like I'm dead in his eyes....

I just wrote to you on one of your other threads. Yes my H walked out suddenly at the beginning of December. He never said he didn't love me, in fact he still says he loves me, I have just hurt him too much - he read old journals and decided I loved an old boyfriend from over 20 yrs ago more than him, which is totally untrue. "Love" me or not, he stays away and this week is totally avoiding me.

Mine did...moved in w/ PT and stayed gone for 7 months. I'd go forever without hearing from him AND he said he had never loved me.<P>He's been home a year now and we're doing great.<P>Things do change.<P>Lori

Husband did walk out on me, caught me totally by surprise, said he no longer loves me, yadda yadda yadda....<P><BR>What it amounted to is that he'd been having problems and not talking about them with me.<P>He blamed *everything* on me. I too made changes.....no difference.<P>He still won't talk to me --- turns out it's because of his attorney (something for you to consider?).<P>Yes, he left because there was already another woman...... and now I'm finding out that there may have been others too.<P>He left at the start of Aug. I'm still grieving. We did temp. orders today, and have about six months to work on the final decree.<P>We did do a bit of marriage counselling, but stbx had no desire to even begin to try to put the marriage back together. It takes two. Even with a 3 year old daughter, he doesn't want to even try.<P>What can I do?<P>All I can do is be here and available when his world finally collapses around him.....whenever that may be. But considering that I've found out that I'm the second woman that he's done this to, if you count his first girlfriend of six years, it's not likely that I'll change him.<P>Good luck,<BR>~Amy

We called a realtor to offer on a house on a Saturday. The next morning my H announced he wanted a divorce, and had been feeling that way for "weeks, maybe months." He didn't come home from work the next day, never even telling our six kids goodbye. That was almost two years ago, and he is still living with the OW, becoming consistently more cruel.

Yes. My H personality drastically changed in July. Moved out in Sept. found out about OW in Oct. All the while he would go back and forth saying he loved me. Then it would be I don't think I could come back. I have been working on my problems doing plan A. I have come to discover, because I have become deeply devoted to Jesus during this time, that he feels threatened by this. <BR> Up to July we never had problems. But part of his personality trait is that he holds everything inside. When something would bother him he says he wouldn't say anything. <BR>Of course this didn't present a problem until OW made her way into the picture. <BR> They are now living together. He is filled with guilt. But will not turn away from the sin he is living.

Your situation is fairly typical. Usually, the infidel is angry at the betrayed initially, often acting as though the infidel is the victim. As I understand it, this happens due to a need to justify the affair. By painting the betrayed as an intolerable demon, it makes their own behavior seem reasonable. In my case, I'm convinced my husband was provoking me to be angry. It made him furious to see how reasonable and rational I was and to see that I was trying to implement changes.<P>If I had a dime for every time I heard "I love you but I'm not in love with you" and "our problems have nothing to do with the OP" on these boards I'd be a rich woman. They all say that.<P>Unfortunately, you can predict nothing from this. Since MOST infidels act this way at the beginning, you can't tell whether your situation is like Lostva's or like Nellie's. The only way to know is for time to pass.<P>Give the Harley's approach a shot. You have nothing to lose. My only recommendation is don't do Plan A too long. It sounds like that's been the approach you've used so far, so it may be time to consider cutting him off and letting him live with the natural consequences of his behavior (i.e no access or favors from you). Usually, you have to wait out the affair to get another shot at the marriage. Harley says be prepared to wait two years. For some of us, that's not enough. I hope in your case, it will be.<P>I'm so sorry.

My H walked out. I went away with my Mom for afew days. All was fine when I left. Came home and he was acting really strange (gee, guess when the A started). A week later we had what should have been a very minor argument. He started telling me how had hadn't been happy for a long time (only a little over a month before he was telling my brotehr in law, in private, how great our life was), didnt know "what he wanted" all that barfola. I got suspicious, pressed redial, got his former secretary. He got really mad, denied everything, they were "just friends" and he would never talk to her again since I had "such a fit" about him "having a friend". Fro the next 2 weeks I Plan A'd my butt off. It made him really mad. He actaully said "Stop being nice to me" Then one night he came home and announced that he no longer loved me, wanted a divorce and we would NEVER get back together. He moved out and in with OW. Of course he lied about where he was staying, still claimed no contact with OW. After about 6 weeks he started wavering, saying he made a mistake, missed me etc. He then flip flopped for the next 4 months. H had 2 different personalities. Finally he ended the affair, beggede to come back home (even though he knew the door was always open) We have been back together almost 2 years now and things are great! Keep Plan A'ing as long as you have the strength and desire.

Thank you ALL for your responses. I do not know what will happen w/ my future but I do have today. Your stories have helped.

Just to add some thoughts-Thank you distressed for your words of wisdom "let him live with the natural consequences of his behavior" I am under Plan B. I have been in counseling since December and have been doing MB since November. I have read "How to Survive and Affair" and "Torn Asunder". All I can do now is try to heal. The pain in my heart is great right now. I justed started taking an anit-depressant. I do have to say one thing -I admire all of your patience to wait for your WS's for 2 years. I just do not think my nerves and heart can handle this. I am only 29 years old and I have alot to offer. My H has done ALOT to hurt me these last 5 months and I do not wish to take it much longer. I have not agreed to a dissolution but I have prayed that God will let me know by the end of the week on what to do at this point. I am very confused as to whether I just want my H to hurt as much as I have or if I really want him back.(if he ever chooses to come back) I want to heal and go on with life and what really hurts is I do not know if I want to wait for my H or not. In alot of ways my H does not deserve me. He has proven that he is a very weak man and he has no back bone. I am not bitter towards him-despite these flaws I still Love him. I know God will direct and guide me and that is all I know.

Yes mine did leave our home to have his A, actually he left the first time very briefly returned home for about a month 1/2<BR>then left to resume the A. He came home for good about 3 years ago and she has been completely out of the picture since.<BR>He didn't live with "her" either time. His absence was brief both times but devastating. He vacillated between the two of us until the end. He came back by his own choosing, I made no attempts to contact him once I realized it was pointless. I am not sure hwy some men leave to have the A others remain home, perhaps it is easy to carry on without the wife around asking questions , or what I believe to be true in my case it alleviates some of their feelings of guilt. You are not the only one!! Actually glad you asked I was wondering about this myself. Thanks!<BR><P>------------------<BR>incoginto :)<P>"You do not HAVE to be angry just because you have the right to be<BR>angry."<BR> Phillip C. McCraw in Life Strategies.

I am not sure hwy some men leave to have the A others remain home, perhaps it is easy to carry on without the wife around asking questions , or what I believe to be true in my case it alleviates some of their feelings of guilt>>>><P>I know in my H's case it was the guilt and the shame. Although if he had been here and in the A I certainly would have been asking questions! H was raised in a very traditional Italian Catholic family where you do NOT get divorced. My MIL (who I love dearly) told me "Every marriage goes through bd places. You don't run away, you stay and FIX it!" He wasn't raised that this sort of behavior was acceptable. He knew how wrong it was. In his mind I think he thought he could justify it and alleviate the guilt somewhat if he left. Like he figured it he moved out then it wouldn't really be an affair. He was wrong. It was still an affair, still a dirty secret, still a shameful pack of lies. The only difference was that he didn't have to look me in the face every day or try to think up creative excuses for his whereabouts on a daily basis.<P><BR>

My h didnt walk out to have his A but i wish he did.... it would have been alot easier for ME to deal with this rather than see him every day and wonder if hes thinking of her, if hes seen her, etc..... and if he had walked out the door i would have locked it behind him