Just wondering if anyone has any ideas about a H that won't stop contacting me.<BR> He comes by my work place to ask question "if we have enough money in our account to write out a check?"<BR> Calls to talk to our boys-which I absolutely want him to do. But will occasionally call. Called last week to say he was having a bad day. Mind you he's living with OW. Says she works days he's working nights. Excuses, excuses. <BR> What do I do. Keep letting him call me- keep being nice as I have been the last six months?<BR> It hurts to talk to him. I am at the point now where, even though I miss him terribly, I do better when I don't see or talk to him.<BR> I am improving myself. And it does make one feel better. <BR> The hardest is thinking about Valentines Day tomorrow knowing this is the first time in 19 years that I will be alone!<BR> But I'm off the subject. Anyone been there with plan B?

I wish I could give you advice but I'm too new here myself. I tried and failed to institute Plan B, which doesn't mean I won't try again when I'm sure I'm ready. I know the feeling of missing him but actually feeling better when I don't see or talk to him. There was a time when we seemed to actually be getting along and I thought I could handle Plan A for a while, but now his attitude toward me changes up every few days, and the pain is there in my chest whenever I talk to him even if he's being pleasant. My H and I own a business together so maintaining no contact will be a challenge. This is also my 1st Valentine's day alone in 19 yrs. Tomorrow is pay day so he will probably be at work to sign checks. I can do this, but he likes to stay in control of the money. I may have to see him and dread this. A friend invited me out to dinner, her treat, tomorrow night because her H is out of town. I think that will help a little.

I'd just like to add (since I've been given this advice myself) that if your H won't abide by Plan B, you have to be the one to reinforce that "everything is in the letter. I can't maintain contact with you because it hurts too much as long as you're living with OW." This is where I failed to maintain no contact after I sent Plan B letter.

Get Caller-Id...<BR>Make him have scheduled times for phone calls...<BR>Have all contact (except for kids)... go by e-mail (or an intermediary)<BR>Ask your boss to speak to him about not coming into your workplace...<BR>...it's costing your boss money when you lose concentration.<P>Keep the course...<P> <P>Jim

Thanks for all the advice! I will definetely ponder all you have said. The caller ID thing is a great idea. It's so funny because I just looked at phone today with that capability. <BR> My H and I get along great together, we never argue and he's always been my best friend so it makes it tough but I will do whatever is necessary to save my marriage. Lord willing it has a happy ending!

I was pretty much a Plan B failure. I Plan A'd for almost the whole time we were separated. During his flip flopping time (here for afew days, then leave again) I was at the end of my rope. Although he was (secretly) living with OW he never took more than afew days worth of clothes with him, all mail and phone calls still came here etc. He wsa here one day and started with the "I still dont' know what I want" BS and I finally said "Take enough clothes with you to last for afew weeks and I want you to leave right now. I don't want any contact with you until you decide what you want to do. I love you more than anything but this is too painful for me. The door is open if you wnat to come home, but next time it has to be for good. No more revolving door." Then he said "Well I'll come over tomorrow to fix.. (can't remember what it was)" and I said "NO! No contact. Pack up your things" Then he said "I'm tired. I'm going to take a nap" and proceeeded to crawl into our bed and get all cozy. I said "NO, get up, pack your things and leave!" He finally packed up afew more things (not much) and left. I didnt' hear from him the next day. The following 3 days after that he called every day. I didn't answer the phone or return his calls. Finally on the 4th day I picked up the phone. He was "So worried about me" "Missed me so much" etc. It was at that point that he really seemed to be ready to make the big step to come back (although it didnt' happen for another month we started seeing each other again right away). So I was a failure at a true Plan B, but even a little Plan B can sometimes work. Just make it clear to your H that you love him and ar there for him if he decides to recommit to the marrige. But until that point in time it is just too painful for you to talk to him or see him and he needs to learn what life will be like without you.

Caller ID has become my lifeline! <G><P>I don't pick up the phone if I don't know who is calling - you can also get your phone company to block any anonymous callers.<P>I also gave my children their own phone. I taped a card to the wall above the phone with their father's phone numbers, and gave them permission to call him at any time - they didn't have to ask me.<P>So...use caller ID to find out when its your H, don't answer the phone. Then have your kids return his calls <G>.<P>

I was a bit hesitant to reply because I am not sure my handling of the A was ideal and my handling of our recovery certainly has not. My H decided to leave or home during his A, left twice both times were brief although they seemed like a lifetime. I was seeking counseling during, but never discussed how I should react to him, and was unfamiliar with the MB site.<P>In my situation during the first few days he left I was unaware of his A, he said he needed to go and "think" I didn't want him to go and tried to talk him out of it, and during the first few days tried to convince him to return home, go to counseling etc. I noticed the more I tried the more angry he grew, and if possible more determined. This hurt me deeply. I thought through my situation and decided that if this was what he wanted, that was exactly what he would get. I suspected the first thing he would begin to miss from me was the closeness and friendship so I decided if he choose to live away he couldn't have that either. I stopped all efforts to contact him. If he called I was polite but very direct, (got to the point of his call, handled it quickly nothing more, or less) If he claimed his point was to speak to the kids I put them on the phone, once he had spoken to them, I hung up the phone. If he tried to engage in unnecessary conversation, I politely asked for the reason for his call, then stated I did not have time to talk. The first week he seemed not to notice, then it started to drive him crazy. He started making excuses to stop by etc. I continued to be polite but distant. Once he came home the first time I plan A'd like crazy, but he remained distant, to be honest I think he was so busy with his own thoughts he didn't even notice one way or another, things went from bad to worse, finally after a month and 1/2 back home he left again to resume his A. I immediately went back to the polite but distant plan. To be honest, this was more for me then him. It killed me to try with him and have him speak to me with coldness and distance. In my case this approach was far more effective then a plan A type. <P>Having said that, I think every situation is different and am not so sure this is what Dr. Harley would recommend. I am satisfied with my handling of the situation during the A, and feel it was the right choice at the time, unfortunately, I brought this approach into the recovery phase to a certain extent. I was so hurt and angry I remained distant. This was not beneficial to us or our recovery and unfortunately, the reason after three years I am still struggling. I am confused how he could not accept plan B though? If you don't allow him to violate your boundaries then how can he? I think you need to stand firm if this is indeed the plan you are going with.<P>------------------<BR>incoginto :)<P>"You do not HAVE to be angry just because you have the right to be<BR>angry."<BR> Phillip C. McCraw in Life Strategies.