I'm really not looking forward to today and tonite for lcak of a better way of saying it. I just feel very empty and sad inside. And its not the fact that I don't want to be with or near my H, I want that very much. I just miss feelings...of the love, and the desire. And today their absence is felt even more. I usually liked to go shopping for the little goodies and would be trying to make a good dinner, even if I am the worst cook in the world!<BR>I really had a hard time finding a card. Ever since this whole thing started, I told my H I would not lie about anything, especially how I'm feeling. How I wish that I could give him a mushy one, about the love I remember feeling. But as I read them I felt if I did get one of them I would not be being honest. And reading all of those words and seeing others picking them out made me feel very empty and lonely inside.<BR>I have always tried to make days such as these special. Although I was not as creative as i was when we were dating. He made a comment just after discovery that I really didn't do special things anymore for these days. I responded by saying that I cooked a special dinner and had everything done so we could spend time together. I always felt that since I did the bills, I knew where our funds were at and tried to keep things "cost effective".<BR>So he is leaving for work and we are discussing dinner. I have nothing in the freezer and no desire to cook as this was not seen as something special in the past.(I also never have a desire to cook!) He also said he has work to do at home and since he would like to try to get it done before the kids go to bed, he wouldn't mind if we had a quick dinner tonite. <BR>Now I look at this as positive as I can. Maybe he wants to have all the work done early so that we can spend time together. This morning he asked me to be his valentine. I'm really trying not to hurt him by being distant, but with all that has happened in the past months, I just don't have the desire to be mushy for him, although I wouldn't mind a little romance myself. Once again, I have managed to feel selfish and guilty for how I feel as a result of what he brought into our lives without any regard or considerstion of my feelings. God, how confusing this all gets.<BR>So, I have gotten a card that says we can work this out, Giant sweatshirt and T-shirt, and a few little gifts from the kids. I am going to try so hard to push all of this s*#@ away for one night, and reciprocate all he does for me (without compromising my hurt of course!) So now I must go and straighten up the house, take a shower and put the movies and ill-thoughts in my mind on pause for just one night!<BR>Hope you day is full of warm and "fuzzy" feelings! At least for today!<P>[This message has been edited by Not Giving Up (edited February 14, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by Not Giving Up (edited February 14, 2001).]

Not Giving Up,<P>You said: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> I am going to try so hard to push all of this s*#@ away for one night, and reciprocate all he does for me (without compromising my hurt of course!) <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I found this statement so honest, BUT... then thought you have chosen the wrong name. You are "not giving up" because you "haven't started".<P>Seriously, think about this. You don't want to compromise your hurts, but somehow you want your marriage back. There is no way in the world that your H can help you rebuild your marriage if you "don't compromise your hurts." <P>From reading this post I can tell you are in the pits of self pity, but I cannot tell if you love your H. Indeed, if we cannot tell how can he tell? If he cannot tell, he will continue to try and make amends for what he did, but he will eventually tire of the no win situation.<P>Please read the posts around here, by women that punished their spouses for years after an affair. It didn't help them at all. Read "desertrose's" or "Incognito's" or many others.<P>I realize you have been terribly hurt and I realize that you are very confused by many things in your life, but if your goal is to hang on to your hurt and not "compromise" it, then you are doing yourself more damage than the affair did.<P>Please think about this.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Thank you for your honesty. I do not take offense to what you said, although what I am going to say may appear that way. I am going to try to explain that statement better. <BR>He made promises to me. He KNEW that I made a promise to myself to not let anyone else hurt me in this way again. And as I see it he not only invited this person into our live temporarily, but also forever since there is a baby involved.<BR>I don't think I will ever let go of the hurt and the dissappointment he has given me. He has not only changed our lives, but my outlook on life and love forever.<BR>What I meant by that statement was that, although I am still hurting deeply from all this, and have so much to deal with(the A, OC, and our new son born in Nov, and the daily things I have to keep together in order for life to go on...) I still want to do everything I can to move forward. <BR>I love my H, and can't imagine my life without him. It scares me to think of that. I feel most secure when he is holding me and when we cuddle and sleep at night. As I have said before, when he is away on business, I miss him terribly, and if I catch his scent in the closet I want him. I can't imagine not loving my H if I have all these feelings and thoughts about him.<BR>You are right I am stuck, but on top of all I do to keep going, I am typing away, writing, going to therapy(Finding sitters,ect) reading, talking...all this to fix the hurt. All because I need HIM.<BR>I do not want to punish him. But I need to feel what I'm feeling. I tend to hold all inside till it bursts. I can't do that with all this. <BR>I am afraid that he will tire of trying and waiting for me. So I try and try to cope positively with the bad thoughts, by listening to my therapist and replacing those thoughts with positive ones. Like I did in conquering my eating disorder. But I need to take my time for me now, and he will need to wait...he took his time and did what he needed to do to realize he loved me and wanted to work it out, right?<BR>On a positive note, for the first time since d-day, I told him I loved him, unpromted by him, and felt it at the same time. Up till now I have always said it to respond to him. The other night, he was hugging me, before he went to bed and I said, "I need to tell you something." and when he asked what I just said, "I love you" and I didn't feel that I compromised anything. I guess that was a step in the right direction...<BR>Anyway in so many ways you are right, I'm stuck, I'm feeling sorry for myself, and yes, am scared he will give up on me again...and I hate all these feelings.<BR>Again thanks for the honesty and giving me a reminder that he may be hurting too, and giving me a different perspective to think from. <BR>

This was a hard day for me too. Several girls at work got roses and others talked about their plans for tonight and what they got their spouses or boyfriends. I told my husband this morning not to get me anything. I don't have the feelings to get him any kind of love card. I don't love him and ever card says that and I don't want to lie and lead him on, I've done that too long. It is a sad day. A customer bought all the day waitress a yellow rose, that was nice, I'm a waitress. Anyway I understand your feelings and I'm sure there are many people feeling the same way. God bless you sister!

Hello NGU,<P>When I read your post earlier today, your comment about not compromising your hurt really jumped out at me. Certainly you are entitled to feel hurt, but be careful of using it as a shield. I can almost promise you that not only will your husband get tired of it, but he probably already IS tired of it.<P>If you truly love him and want your marriage to improve and succeed, you need to do things to make him WANT to be faithful to you and your marriage. Punishment and pain aren't going to look very good in comparison to another woman offering to only make him feel good and who is happy just to have him. You will NEVER be able to control your husband's actions. He will be a good and faithful husband only if he WANTS to be one.<P>Do you know what a self-fulfilling prophecy is? It is when you tell yourself something for so long that it becomes reality. If you keep telling yourself (and others) that you are NEVER going to forgive, NEVER going to get over the hurt and anger, and NEVER going to trust him again, that is exactly what is going to happen.<P>Everything we do in life is a choice. I don't think you really want to choose to continue the way you are feeling now, and I am sure you will not be happy with the results you get from it. So much of what happens tomorrow is within your control. Make sure the way you use that control is really the best way.<P>Best wishes,<P>Peppermint

NGU,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Please read the posts around here, by women that punished their spouses for years after an affair. It didn't help them at all. Read "desertrose's" or "Incognito's" or many others.<P>I realize you have been terribly hurt and I realize that you are very confused by many things in your life, but if your goal is to hang on to your hurt and not "compromise" it, then you are doing yourself more damage than the affair did.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I am one of those women who has been punishing my husband. It started a long time ago but after D-Day last June I really committed myself to feeling my hurt and showing my husband how bad he had hurt me. <P><BR>Guess what it got me? Yesterday I did even get a verbal "happy Valentines day." My husband is incapable of any showing me any love or emotion at all right now. If I had found this site right after D-Day and practiced its principals in the beginning I seriously doubt that I would be writing this post.<P>My husband confessed to me in order to start new. I'm sure his hopes were that we could move on and have a stronger marriage but since it didn't go that way, he is now in severe emotional withdrawal. I'm not saying that he is right or that I am entirely wrong, just that it's unfortunate that it has gotten to this point.<P>It sounds like your husband still wants to try, please find a way to forgive and let the healing begin. <P>MM