After 9 years of praying for my marriage to be healed and 9 years of rejection, I just wish my husband would leave me, but he won't. I don't love him and I don't want to save this marriage, but I'm too scared to leave. I wish he would leave me, he loves me and won't leave. I have told him my feelings, but he isn't giving up. He won't have an affair, we are both miserable, we have 2 children. The other reason I don't leave is because of my biblical convictions, I don't have a reason to divorce him. I am so unhappy and miserable, we aren't intimate in any way. I'm going to try to go to couseling for myself. I have never been on my own, I married at 18 and went right from one bad home situation to a marriage. I really want him to find someone that could love him, I wish we could end this peaceably, but he says this is impossible, he has even threatened to leave the state, because he says he could never handle the risk of seeing me with someone else. It hurts me to think he would leave his kids, its so hard to know what to do.

First of all, I am very sorry you feel the way you do. I hate to say this, but I know exactly how you feel. I too, felt rejected, and miserable. I am sure our situations were different, but I felt unloved, unappreciated, uneverything. I wound up having an EA...not intentionally, but, nonetheless, it happened. It was a blessing and a nightmare combined. It was a blessing that my H finally heard me for the first time in a decade, and it also was the catylist that brought us to divorce. The EA had nothing to do with the divorce...that ended shortly after it began...the marriage had been sick a long time. We tried to save it, but by then, I didn't want to anymore.<P>If both of you are miserable, you are not doing your kids any good. I'm not telling you to divorce him, but I would try counseling. What do you have to loose? <P>Sometimes, getting everything out in the open helps tremendously...sometimes it doesn't. But it's worth a try...right?

Please consider this...<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html</A>

shurlay;<BR>I'm sorry you've had such a lonely and unhappy marriage. Ths particular "General Questions" forum is aimed at married people struggling with affairs, though, so you might find more help if you posted on the "Divorced/Divorcing"<BR>forum.<P>Counseling will be a great help to you, so it's a good that you're going to start now. And I know how horrible it is<BR>to be the person wanting to end a marriage when your religious background and essential beliefs go against it ...<P>Things will get better, shurlay, and you'll start to understand how & why you wound up in this awful and confusing point, and you'll make good decisions about your marriage & life & eventually, find some peace.... <P>Make the most of your counseling, take care of you & your children, encourage your husband to get some counseling, too .....<BR>Things will begin to look up, no matter what you decide, so hang on.... <BR>

shurlay:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I'm going to try to go to couseling for myself.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Good. To reiterate what kam linked to, I'd suggest that you try the MarriageBuilder's phone counseling (888-639-1639 for appointments). <P>The issues seem to be pretty clear. Your husband loves you. You do not love him. You won't actively divorce because of biblical convictions (good) and the fact that you have two children.<P>Well, I wouldn't encourage you to pursue divorce either. What would completely solve this problem would be for you to be in love with your husband. That's not out of the realm of possibilities, and I believe that either Steve or Jenn Harley could help you (and your husband) build this love. You two are in a bad cycle right now, and one of you is going to have to do something to break out of it.<P>Try the counseling. I'm sure it will help.

You say that you do not love your husband. Do you love anybody? Do you know what love is? Do you love yourself?<P>I used to struggle with the love yourself bit and still do frequently, but I am beginning to see the light a little. I don't have an explanation for what it means, but if you ponder the question long enough, you might get some glimmers of the answer.<P>In any case, food for thought, because loving your husband may not be the problem.....

Let me ask you the same question Dr Harley ask.<P>DonÕt you think the BEST thing (for you, your husband & MOST IMPORTANTLY, your children) would be for you to be madly in love with your husband, him to be madly in love with you, you have a great marriage & live happily ever after?<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>After 9 years of praying for my marriage to be healed<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Perhaps God is speaking to you now?<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Thanks for all who responded. Yes I do think the best thing would be to be madly in love with my husband and him with me. Just since Valentines day, I think I may be seeing a breakthrough, this prayer he wrote and gave to me was the first signs of encouragement and hope I've seen in a long time, here was the prayer: Lord if there were only one thing that I could ever ask of you, it would be to show me how to make my wife the happiest woman you ever created. Father I need your guidance and love now because I have pushed her from my life and hurt her deeply. Lord please help me to win her love back. I need her so in my life. Please Lord grant me this one and only prayer. I love you father and miss your love. Amen. It was from his heart and I pray God answers that prayer! Someone asked me if I knew what love is, maybe I don't. My husband won't give up, so I guess this is a good sign. I told him he is filling my love bank up, he did get me a valentines gift and card, even after I told him not too. I'm glad he did. For the last couple of days I haven't been depressed. If he can keep making those deposits who knows I just may fall in love with him. Thanks for all your encouragement and prayers!

Glad to see that things are more positive at the moment. Rebuilding a marriage is tough & has ups and downs...at the risk of sounding like a broken record, I'd strongly suggest a few phone counseling sessions...getting started on the right track is invaluable...<P>Kathi

Have you considered the possibility that you might be suffering from depression? Have you ever been screened for it? Some of what you say reminds me of the way I was feeling over 3 years ago, prior to my husband having a brief affair. I didn't want him to leave, but didn't feel that I loved him and prayed, seemingly without answer, for things to change. Unfortunately the affair happened so we didn't have our breakthrough in a less painful way, but God worked and brought triumph out of tragedy.<P>Absolutely get into counseling. I highly recommend a qualified marriage and family therapist....preferably a Christian. God doesnt' want you to stay in an unfulfilling marriage, He wants to help you build something that fulfills you and your husband and glorifies Him. <P>I'm currently reading the book Fresh Faith by Jim Cymbala, pastor of the Brookly Tabernacle. A statement I read the other day really struck me. He was talking about how our prayers don't just drift up into heaven and then evaoporate. Our prayers collect in God's presence. Remember that God <B>always</B> answers prayers. Sometimes we have to block out all the noise around us and let go of what we <I>want</I> Him to say before we can hear His answer. He will give you a wonderful marriage....give your dreams and yourself into His hands.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Yes I have been suffering from depression. I am going to get couseling. Our insurance doesn't cover marriage couseling. My husband is trying, I do think Dr. Harleys theory would work, if he continues to make deposits in my love bank he will draw interest and be making a good investment. I would like to fall in love with him. I think he needs counseling too. I don't agree with most of the opinions on here to tell your spouse about an extramaritial affair, I think a person can deal with that sin between God and the person having the affair, I believe it does more damage confessing the affair to the other spouse. I would never confess an affair.

shurlay:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I don't agree with most of the opinions on here to tell your spouse about an extramaritial affair ... I believe it does more damage confessing the affair to the other spouse. I would never confess an affair.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>While I'm sure you know that I'll disagree on this point, I think it's very important for you to address a major issue that probably got you to this horrible point in your marriage. You're not following the Rule of Complete Honesty. It's an essential part of Harley's rules for a successful marriage. It doesn't help to keep the truth from your husband, whether it's to protect HIM or you. <P>You may not want to address your affair with this honesty, but I highly encourage you to start working on being completely honest with him in all other aspects of your relationship. If you can't afford marriage counseling, see if your husband would agree on ordering the books Lovebusters, Give and Take, His Needs/Her Needs, and the workbook 5 Steps to Romantic Love. This set of material can serve as a self-study course to rebuild your marriage, although I'd still recommend that you scrape some money together and get a good marriage counselor.

Well things are back to the way they have been, my husband won't read all those books. I have so many marriage books and I'm the only one that ever reads them. I am going to find a couselor to talk to. We can't communicate about anything without an arguement. He gets so offended by just about everything I say. I have tried to be honest but it always turns into an arguement. We don't have love, trust, or respect in this marriage. He brings out the worst in me and is very difficult to love. I already stated earlier that I don't love him. I'm so depressed. I wish God would intervene. He doesn't change. I did have an affair, but ended it because of my relationship with God. I knew I couldn't live both ways, so the good news is, is that I'm trying to be more consecrated to God and trying to keep my focus on him, I do ok, except when I am at home with my husband and then I get down. He got mad at me yesterday because I gave an older man who is a customer of mine a hug, I invited him to church and he came, I have been witnessing to him for 6 months, anyway I was happy he came. My husband was so insecure and jealous, this is a man probably in his 60's, I was just showning some christian love, my husband said I should never hug another man, that it is inappropriate. I disagree with him, but said I was sorry and that I wouldn't do it again. I'm so unhappy in this marriage and there is no way out. Just venting. Thanks for any advice.