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Joined: Feb 2000
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Great news… She agreed to write a no contact letter. Sadly, this was only after I walked out the door last night and saw my attorney this morning to file for the big D. Stayed on friends couch last and returned home this afternoon. After some short discussion about how she had no idea what divorce really means and she though it might be a brutal awakening. Strange statement for someone who insisted on a D early on. I agreed with her, all divorces with children are brutal. Thank God for the sake of our children.<P>Well she agreed to try one last time but to truly "forsake all others" and write the letter this time. So I'm looking for what should be in her no contact letter. I know the standard Harley one, but she works at the same company with OM. They only see each other when they travel to a corporate meeting or training functions. So what would you guys suggest? I'm kind of on cloud nine right now and might miss something I should be considering. <P>Thank you in advance for your advice,<BR>Mike<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Hi Infidelity (edited February 14, 2001).]

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OOOPS - double posted<p>[This message has been edited by Hi Infidelity (edited February 14, 2001).]

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well...she can mention if they are at a company function that he should not approach her directly or indirectly. other than that, Harley's letter is very well said.

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I would add that if any appraoch is made to her...<BR>...that whe will have no recourse but to notify a supervisor (hers/his/both)... to assist in the "no contact" principles...<BR>...as best as they can help it...<P>scheduling different Training sessions...<BR>...<BR>offering of teleconferncing from work or home.<P>AND<P>make sure she will include in the letter... that any contact will have as a result... her notifying you immediately...<BR>...and if the OM is a MM... notifying his W too!<P>The "no contact" letter is a time for hardball.<P> [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Jim

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[Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] Good Ideas!!! Yes OM is still married and as far as I know is still lying to his wife about when the affair started and ended. At one time my wife was still lying to me about the beginning in fear that I would talk to his wife and blow his story. PA started in June 99, and ended in June 2000. His story to wife is PA started in Sept 99 and ended Jan 00 when my wife confessed and asked me to call his wife. Sounds like some real motivation to respect the intent in the letter. <P>Anyone else out here have another perspective to consider?<P>Jim - I know you've been around here for a while and are truly a mentor of those who follow and don’t follow the MB principles, so I have an unrelated (to this thread) question for you. Have you ever seen a relationship mended where the WS requires heavy-handed ultimatums? [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] This seems to be the only time my wife can achieve forward momentum when stuck on the fence. I am a believer of MB principles but do you think it's possible that one therapy fits all people. A friends wife is a psychologist and a while back when I explained the MB philosophy to her she thought that it was a good starting point. Then a few months later she asked for and update and then told me that some WS, especially women, feel they should be punished and can not respect a spouse who wouldn’t display something along those lines.<P><BR>As always, <BR>Thank you,<BR>Mike<BR>

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I agree with NSR - that if she has any contact with the OM - that she needs to tell you. So, she should put that in the letter as well.<P>I had to write two no contact letters. The first one was pretty standard, the second not so standard - but so far, the second one seems to be working (the OM didn't really get the hint after the first one, he still wanted to "be friends.") In the second one, I really told the OM how much I regretted what we had done, it was wrong, cruel, etc. . . I also told him that I loved my H (and used my H's name throughout the letter, my H liked that). I also told him that I was committed to my marriage and to my H, and to never contact me again.<P>She specifically mention that only work-related contact would be acceptable - but that all contact would be mentioned to you. For me, that helped me keep myself on track - I just didn't want to keep hurting my H by having to tell him that the OM talked to me.<BR>So, I wouldn't even WANT him to try to contact me - and that came through in my second letter, too.<P>I'm really glad your wife is taking this step. Good for you - and good for her!

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Hi, Infidelity:<P>If your looking for someone experienced in heavy handed tactics, I may be able to help.<P>Your wife sounds like mine way to much. If she was in IT, I suspect we were married to the same woman. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] My wife has broken all contact. Refuses to go into the office when OM is there (works from home office) and is now feverishly searching for a new job.<P>Gstebbins@aol.com<BR>

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Mike...<P>I really believe that true healing...<BR>...isn't going to happen with a "punishment" mentallity...<P>She (with your support) need to learn what forgiveness your faith can give you...<P>If resentment is the poison...<BR>Forgivess is the cure...<P>As far as an example where pushing off the fence was required...<BR>...check out (Lor(Lor)) in the "in recovery" section.<P> [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Jim

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How out an update for some opinions. Wife waited three days past when she had promised to write no contact letter and then wrote the letter below 1 1/2 hours before going to the airport.<BR>*********************************************<P>OM<BR> I am writing you this letter to let you know that "ME" & I are attempting to restore our marriage and the continued contact with you delays our recovery. Since I am not planning on resigning my position and will have to work with you from time to time, I would like to formalize some ground rules.<P> I do not plan to be alone with you at anytime. Please do not hug me when you see me and keep all conversations to a business, both in person and one the phone. I plan to inform "ME" of any contact that we have. I have hurt him a lot and he needs to be assured that I am not continuing to be in contact with you.<P> Please do not contact me to discuss this letter or to find out how I'm doing.<P>********************************************************<P>Three days ago she asked me for what I wanted the letter to say. I didn’t want to put words in her mouth so I showed her the template below.<P>&#61656; Why are you writing this letter?<BR>&#61656; How do you feel about me?<BR>&#61656; What did having an affair do to me?<BR>&#61656; What did having an affair do to you?<P>&#61656; How do you feel about or view him for his participation?<P>&#61656; What must change?<BR>&#61656; How will I know about contact?<BR>&#61656; What is no longer acceptable behavior?<BR>&#61656; What are the ramifications of not honoring your request?<BR>&#61656; Are the items in this document negotiable or a topic of discussion?<P>&#61656; Anything else you care to say<P>***************************************<P>I'm not feeling like this is what I was looking for. Any opinions?<P><BR>Mike<BR>

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[QUOTE]Originally posted by Hi Infidelity:<BR><B>How out an update for some opinions. Wife waited three days past when she had promised to write no contact letter and then wrote the letter below 1 1/2 hours before going to the airport.<BR>*********************************************<P>OM<BR>[b]I am writing you this letter to let you know that "ME" & I are attempting to restore our marriage and the continued contact with you delays our recovery.</B><P>I'm not sure I like the power this seems to give him over your marriage. I would rather see something like "I am totally devoted to regaining my marriage. I am ashamed and angry over what happened between us, and I have no desire to see or speak with you again."<P><B>Since I am not planning on resigning my position and will have to work with you from time to time, I would like to formalize some ground rules.</B><P>Okay, not bad.<P><B>I do not plan to be alone with you at anytime. Please do not hug me when you see me and keep all conversations to a business, both in person and one the phone. I plan to inform "ME" of any contact that we have. I have hurt him a lot and he needs to be assured that I am not continuing to be in contact with you.</B><P>Not too bad. I would change "hug" to "touch".<P><B>Please do not contact me to discuss this letter or to find out how I'm doing.</B><P>I would throw in an ending about her being regretful and ashamed and whatever. <P>there isn't any "repercussions" in here, as was tossed around above. I don't know if your wife is comfortable with that. Maybe a line about if he doesn't respect these ground rules, she will be forced to approach their mutual superiors about the situation. <BR>

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Thanks for the opinion Mike. I initially told her the letter seemed to lack any feeling. She said she was trying to be non-personal and business like. I explained that I thought this was more of personal matter and not business. I think what I want to see is something to the effect of "being with you was a mistake", but so far she has not shown regret or remorse of any type. She said that she might try to re-do it next Thursday upon her return home. Sounds like a long time to me.<P>I guess my overall opinion is this letter written to be barely enough to prevent any repercussions, not real convincing if I were the receiver.<P>Mike<BR>


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