My H has been gone, living with OW, for 2 and 1/2 months. During this time, he's dragged me on a rollercoaster rides that has kept my emotions swinging back and forth from hopefulness to despair. I am now on Plan B, but no contact is hard, even when I don't see or hear from him because not only do we live in a small town, but we own and run a business together with about 30 employees. OW was former employee, so both work and home offer constant reminders. H only very rarely comes to work (less than an hour a week!), is leaving more and more of the responsibility to me, then accuses me of trying to take over the business. He is respected only as the boss but not as a person because of what he is doing. <P>Unfortunately, every day seems to bring new revelations. My H is a formerly recovering alcoholic and drug addict. Under the influence, he is extremely verbally abusive and suspicious. Since he relapsed 12/99 and had several serious relapses last spring, when his abusive behavior started up non-stop in August, I naturally assumed it was drugs &/or alcohol. My H has been extremely accusatory that I am not supportive to think those kinds of thoughts about him, and I tend to feel guilty and believe him, or at least try to. The kids told me all summer and fall about finding beer cans (and haven't found any since he moved out), but H denied they were his (we had several people working here outside, so he blamed them). He also got angry at kids for "snitching" on him. There have been rumors about him buying and using drugs. His story is that he is sick of thinking of himself for his whole life as a damaged person (him setting me up as "mommy" to "fix" him and me willingly going along with it was one of the damaging dynamics in our relationship) and, for that reason, he now renounces the label of "alcoholic." He admits to drinking 1-2 beers several times a week and even smoking a hit of marijuana at night to go to sleep, which all sounds normal enough for the non-alcoholic he now says he is. He says OW doesn't drink or do drugs - I have heard differently from her former friends (she seems to have a lot of those). But the mood swings, suspiciousness, and uncharacteristically irresponsible behavior tell me a different story. <P>Yesterday I heard 2 stories of people seeing him drunk in different situations and I heard he'd been trying to buy drugs. This info is volunteered to me, I'm not snooping. Worst of all, I heard he's signed papers to buy a house for himself and OW. How can he do this, legally, if he's still married? <P>The probability of substance abuse does strengthen my resolve to stay on Plan B - I've been here before when I left him before we were married because of substance abuse. It also helps explain some of his worst behavior, which seems more than just the "fog" of an affair. But it also makes me fearful of what he might do next.<P>Anyone out there have a similar problem with both affair and substance

Hi, yes I have had trouble with that. My H is an alcholholic, though he does not call himself one. So technically according to Alanon, I should not call him one either.<P>H really started abusing when he was trying to hide the A from me. He just checked out. He was drunk every night of the week, and sle[pt through his life at home for a year and a half. <P>Finally he got on some antidepressants, but they did not work at first because he continued to drink. Finally his doctor got it homw to him about mixing the two. He is better now.<P>You can read my post about "Thereapist says I have to deal with the alcoholic before the A." It will shed more light.

burnedspouse,<P>I searched for your post but couldn't find it. I lived through 10 years of his substance abuse before we were married, did lots of counselling and went to AlAnon. I recently started going back to AlAnon but stopped after he ranted and raved at me for not trusting him when he tells me his not drinking or using drugs, at least abusively. Silly me, I plan to start again this week (there are only 3 meetings here - small town). <P>I have always tried to ignore others' observations and opinions when he has denied them (including re: A), but he always holds it against me that I would even entertain negative thoughts about him. This is what he blames as a major reason behind him leaving me. He says OW had nothing to do with it, which I know in one sense is true. But since she's willing to party with him and he knew I wasn't, I think she is a factor. He left straight from our home to a motel room with her. <P>For me, the only way to cope at this point is Plan B. Anything else is too hurtful, though I blew my 1st Plan B attempt by crying and begging him not to say hateful things about me when he read an e-mail I'd received and could infer from response that I'd talked about substance abuse.<P>Another question, how do I/should I still hold out any hope for our marriage to survive? I feel like I have to focus on taking care of myself right now, which kind of feels like moving on. I'm not planning on filing for divorce right now because of our financial entanglements, but if substance abuse is the issue and he's now in love with someone who goes along with it, I don't see much but disaster ahead.

Letstry,<BR>Have you talked to a Lawyer? Maybe you should do a legal seperation to protect yourself financially. If he is being irresponsible with money and the business you need to protect yourself first of all. He may need to hit bottom before you have a chance. I think alot of times the OW is a party parner to men with drug or alcohol probalems.<BR>Lora

Hello again. Your situation does sound rather bad. They are right about you not being able to do anything, your H does have to hit bottom to admit his disease. It is not fun. Some of the Alanons I have met, their H's never admit they are alcoholics. But they find a way to live in relative harmony with their spouses anyway and the help of alanon. I am still aiting to find one to share my situation so I can get a proper sponser. <P><p>[This message has been edited by burnedspouse (edited February 16, 2001).]

burnedspouse,<BR>I followed your link but got "page not found." I'd still like to see it, if you can figure out what was wrong with address.<P>Lora, <BR>I was trying to find thread bs recommended and read that you are a healthcare worker? Me too. More coincidences? OW is definately a party partner, but he's had those before and never moved in with them, so there seems to be more to this one.<P>Lora and burned spouse,<BR>I went through another day with him as a no-show at work. It gets easier when I don't see him. Saturday I have an appointment with our accountant, who is a recovering alcoholic himself, to discuss the financial issues. I don't want to file any legal papers if I don't have to because it will enrage him and I don't think I'm ready to deal with that. I did see a lawyer when all this first started. He didn't seem to understand the legal/financial situation any better than I do (which isn't much at all since my H has always taken exclusive care of the finances). <P>The lawyer recommended I talk to our accountant, which I did once already, but since I didn't even know what to ask, he didn't have any answers. I need to get a better understanding of the situation before I do anything.<P>Meanwhile, I am lucky to be financially secure and since I feel a little better after a week of not seeing or hearing from him, I'd just rather leave well enough alone for now, even though I have no illusions that I'm done with the mess. <P>Today I mailed my Plan B letter, as recommmended by Steve Harley, to OW's P.O. Box, the address we had on file for her at work. I'm guessing it's her mother's address, she is just a kid you know, because it's in the town where her mother lives, not where she and her H lived.<BR>

I'm a Physical Therapist.. how about you? <P>My email address is Lorabell13@aol.com if you want to email me.<P>I'm glad you are talking to your accountant. Just do what you can to protect yourself if you dont want to do anything like a legal seperation. Could he destroy the business by his neglect? Can you document his lack of participation for the future if you need to?<P>Take care. Kind of scarey how good you start to feel without seeing them huh? Makes me wonder sometimes.<BR>Lora<BR>

Hi. I am so sorry that I am such a computer illiterate! I tried every way I could to get it to show up. But if you look back in the history, and call up my name and the word search"therapist" you will find it. It is in January.<P>I worote this long letter to you last night, but when i went to post it, I had error message(my computer) and lost it. <P>The jist is: my frinds who have known both of us for a while tell me he has shown the roving eye behavior for some years. I also know that his A started may '99, we went to Mexico Oct '99, he was groping a fellow skinnydipper then. Quite into it I was told. That means he could cheat on OW too. I wonder what she would think of that?<P>He is pretty beat now, but still he won't give her up. I don't think I will ever trust him again. I was reading a book called "Why men stray, Why men stay." It listed all the things present in my marriage that would send him straying. Of course on my side, he also was actively not persuing me or changes in our relationship. the book does not go into the men's fault in all of this. Like since they are men they can stray. "Men stray because they can." a quotation out of the book by Za Za Gabor.<P>Where is the honor? I think men need to communicate what they are lacking in a relationship before they are tempted to stray. I also think a woman should do the same. The book said that life continually changes, and does the relationship. If you do not constantly reacesss it, and keep up on what your partner needs it will fail. Of course, I do not think it is only up to the wives to keep the spark in the marriage, as the book indicates. I think it should 50-50. Even if H's priority is sex for most of his life.<P>This is the first weekend without the kids. i have been gardening. But I am in such a mood to go out, but know no one who will, or can. Darn! Where do you go to meet new people? <P>What do you do about the loneliness, and a deep desire for physical touch when you haven't had it for 2 years? Maybe it is not safe to go out and meet new people. I might fall into a trap of my own devising.<P>But if I never meet new people, how will I grow? I really want to save my marriage, but am consumed by thoughts that are unladylike! My H will not, has not, touched me and I am ready to scream. Why do they get the action anyway? What rite do they have to get it when their burnedspouses get nothing!<P>Oh, yea, I am on a roll.....<P>Beth<P>

I had my husband arrested saterday after frequent beatings since oct. we were married one year aug 9th.
shortly after marriage, i found out about adderall addiction and illeagal presciptions.
he denied till jan. then was forced to come clean when i showed him all my detective work.
promiced to stop, "tweekie" behaviors continued.
abuse of all types increased. broken nose, ribs, and so on.
his parents refuse to look at proof and help me intervine. he is diabetic, and had triple bypass.
this will kill him. foud out tis week that in addition to adderall, he has prescription for ritilin also...
one thing i am sure of because i am a recovering addict with 7 yrs. clean, The is no hope to save this marriage unless he gets honest
with himself, me and parents.
NOW ONE CAN RATIONALIZE WITH SOMEONE ACTIVE IN THEIR ADDICTION.
I hope to find a way to make his family pull heads out of the sand. and help me save his life.

<small>[ September 05, 2004, 02:31 AM: Message edited by: adderalldestroyslives ]</small>