Here we go again! I discovered H was once again involved with ow. He told me they were only talking on the phone and that he was working with a counselor to get over her. I agreed to give him time...<P>Last night our daughter was eating at church and I volunteered to go get takeout. I asked if I could take his car as my passenger side window is broken. He told me yes. When I got in the car I noticed a bag from a jeweler. I didn't get jewelry for Valentine's. I looked in the back and there was a Valentine bag filled with candy with two DNKY ties and a sappy card about "their future." I lost it! I took the bag, ran over it with the car, took it to her house and placed it on her h's car. It was raining and it was a muddy mess. I'm sure those ties cost more than $200 and were charged as she has again lost her job-the 5th in 2 1/2 years.<P>Needless to say I lost it when I got home. I kicked the wall and my toe is black. We yelled, called names, cried, it was a nightmare.<P>And today, I apologized. It's just insanity. He can't get over her and she won't leave him alone. <P>I think our marriage is over. She won. He and I lost. He doesn't know yet how much he's lost. He hasn't had a bath in a week (formerly showers every day), has gained about 40 pounds, never exercises (did at least 5 times per week before) and is so depressed. <P>He told me everyone has told him she's awful, in his head he knows they're right, and logically he knows they're right, but when he's with her, everything that comes out of her mouth is the truth and wonderful.<P>I know I should Plan A better but he would be very happy to live out the rest of our lives like that. Have her to play and me to maintain his life. We've seperated so many times I can't count. Each time he begs to come home after a week or two. He tells me he's here and wants to be here. He tells me he can't trust me (Duh!) with confidences about his life. I must say that's true as I have contacted her husband twice about the matter. The second time I warned her if she contacted my H again that I would contact her H. <P>I need some advice....

Your H needs help for he's seriously depressed. No, you can't make him get that help but if you change what you've been doing ie: letting him come back and forth whenever he gets a little uncomfortable, it may be the final straw to make him realize he's got make up his mind and get help.Most of us change only when our current circumstances become too uncomfortable. IMHO it's time for a very loving plan B letter that tells him how worried you are about him and how much pain you are in, how painful it is to see him in such bad shape, and that you just can't go on like this any longer.Then a firm Plan B. Sounds like you are the only good thing he's got going for him right now. If it becomes a reality that he's in serious danger of losing the only good thing he's got left, it may give him the motivation to start making some changes. If he continues to have nothing to lose and you keep doing more of the same, what impetus does he have to change himself? There has to be something to motivate him to get help and it doesn't sound like that motivation is going to come from within his depressed self, in all likelihood it's probably not possible, unless something makes him sit up and take notice. If he's sees you being strong and taking a stand for what is good and right and true and he's at serious risk of losing you he just might do something.

You issued an ultimatum to OW. You told her that if she had any contact with your H, then you would contact her H. Well, I think that you need to tell her H.<P>As for you own H, he does sound seriously depessed. Are you losing love for him? If you are, then you need to think about Plan B. If you are going to separate from him...then separate through Plan B. Don't falter, don't waver, don't do a modified Plan B. If you do a modified Plan B, then it won't be effective (that's the reason why your H keeps sitting on the fence, when you have separated those other times). You need to be consistent.<P>Good luck to you!