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Joined: Feb 2001
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My wife has told me that she loves me very much,wants to be married to me our entire lives, but does not believe in fidelity. At first she felt she could not assure that she would be faithful however after much discussion has now said she would be faithful out of respect to me. She does not believe that her NATURE is that of being faithful. She feels that if a marvelous man should appear sooner or later and it leads to a passionate experience not living it is missing out on life. She is not interested in a sex only affair but one that would be passionate and loving. I do not understand her. Nor do I buy the fidelity out of respect for me as I believe she has to want to be faithful not obligated due to respect.<BR>Its very odd because we are in love, have a great sex life and good family life. She has very intellectually thought this out and profoundly feels this way. I have made it clear to her that if she wants love from another as in a Robert Redford movie than just let me go, but its not that easy. Nor do I believe its just a fantasy as she is very intellegent and calculating and would only act if it was something exceptional. The bottom line is that this it very unsettling and I am very upset. How can a man live in a marriage and every day wonder if today is the day she will be with another. Its not jealousy as she claims, its much deeper. Its a life, family and love that I have chosen and created with her. Any opinions please, Thanks

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A few ?'s. How long have you been married? Do you have any children? How old are you and your wife? did she feel this way before you got married? If she didn't feel this way before she took a vow to "forsake all others" how long has she espoused this new viewpoint? Do you see any other changes in behavior or viewpoints that are new for her?<P>My general suspicion is that she already is intersted in someone and is testing what your reaction might be if she should chose to be unfaithful.

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Richritchey,<P>That's a crock.<P>If she felt that way, she should have told you BEFORE you took wedding vows, not after.<P>To tell you after is most unfair and just plain wrong and hurtful. And, it does make me suspect if there is someone she's interested in and she's scoping out your reaction if she were to "act" upon her interest.<P>If you don't have a copy of His Needs/Her Needs, I would advise getting one and that both of you read it. I also suggest that she read postings from BSs and see what destruction and utter despair infidelity causes. It is not worth whatever "life experience" she imagines the affair would give her.<P>I know for me as a BS, I would rather be dead than go through the devastating pain my H's affair caused me. Ask her if she is selfish enough to do that to YOU, because that's how truly wretched it feels to be so betrayed.<P>I'm so angry on your behalf; it outrages me that she would deceive you about this issue by taking marriage vows without revealing her thoughts on this. It left you without the option of choosing for yourself if that's the kind of marriage you wanted to commit to.<P>I've got to go get a paperbag; I think I'm hyperventilating.

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<BR>Part of me suspects that she's already in an affair right now (emotional) and is testing the waters to see how you'd react were her affair to turn sexual.<P>In any event, if you do not have children I strongly advise you to avoid pregnancy until this matter is resolved. She doesn't sound committed enough to the marriage, and having children generally strains most marriages.<P>Bystander

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Unfortunately I tend to agree with the other<BR>people who have replied. It sounds like your<BR>wife is beginning or already in an affair.<BR>She is clearly setting the groundwork for it.<BR>This sounds very very suspicious. I do not believe you should have to live with this <BR>type of uncertainty. You may wish to put a<BR>phone tape on or check her emails. I am afraid that she probably has already begun.

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Thank you for the quick replies. To answer some of your questions, I am 45, my wife 37,weve been together 8 years and have 2 young girls.<BR>I have known her feelings for some time but she never really related them to us, just what she thought about how many marriages are filled with infidelity. What has sparked this episode is something new and that is her interest in chat. Again, we are very loving, have a great sex life and family life. She is not computer literate and when I asked her about her chatting she would say she was making friends and wanted to learn more about them. One time she left the screen open and I scrolled up the log and was very surprised. She was not having sexual conversation but seductive conversation in privates. She is a seductive person. Of course this particular man who was also intellegent was following her and playing her emotions. Both of them were acting like tragic fiqures. His need for infidelity due to a depressed wife and my wife explaining that her "nature" is not to be faithful, but she is out of respect to me. She also said in this state she does not feel free. His question then was what will make you a happy person, her answer "to be free". Lots more of this kind of **** too. I know she has not done anything yet but these seductions can go on for weeks or months. We do talk and all is great. We make love passionately everyday so I am confused. She has intellectually and honestly expressed her belief to me that her "Nature" is to be unfaithful but will behave faithful out of respect to me. I dont understand, what nature? Does this mean to have a passionate and sexual relationship with a Robert Redford type when he comes along. Why, she says its for the life experience....? She also now has a close friend who is sleeping with a young 22 year old Italian and she tells my wife the story of their passionate encounters and how great she feels. Of course she then goes home to her husband. And the Italian guy surely tells his friends how he´s screwing the 37 year old housewife (in every detail) Very stupid !! The bottom line is I am scared ****. I am not going to be able to wake up every day not knowing. I do not want and do not accept this. But leaving on a what if is not right either. More to come....

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This is terrible. She is already in a seductive emotional relationship with another man and she has a good married friend who is in an affair and bragging to your wife. I am afraid my friend that it will surely be a matter of time. The fact that she says she is looking for the experience of it all and to be free is very disturbing. I wish I had advise but I do not. I wish you luck.

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I think, based on the infomation given, that it's probably a mid-life-crisis. You might want to do some research on the subject and I would do it fairly quickly.

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Wow, you guys are quick. I don´t want to make it sound worse than it is. The chatting is at an early stage and there is no one she has met. Also in her chat she explicitly says that she does not want to meet or see them, is being faithful to me even against her nature. But I believe with time the barriers can fall and thats part of my concern. We are talking about this very much and she is assuring me that she loves me,wants to grow old with me and will deprive herself of her animal instincts and nature and will be faithful for me. HUH ?<BR>Really, we kiss eachother all day long, make love ,hold hands but...I getting more confused. She is from Spain and this whole passion bit is something out of these heavy foreign films about loves, passions, betrayls,etc I´m getting sick to my stomach, really. Also I suggested marriage counseling to clarify our thinking and she refuses. Again, she is an honest and straightforward person. This is not a simple sneaky desire for a sexuual encounter: More....

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Richrichey -<P>Hi, WS here. Just a couple of quick thoughts. I don't have much time, and wish I could give you more details about my situation - maybe some other time.<P>"It's her nature." I think she gets this thought from scientific reasoning. In some books and articles that I have read on infidelity, there's this line of reasoning that we are animals, with animal instincts. That, because we have animal instincts - it is not "natural" for us to "mate" with one person. Therefore, if you go along with that line of thinking, than it is only "natural" for people to want or be attracted to numerous individuals within our lifetimes. <P>In some other articles I've read, there have been studies done (how reliable these are, who knows), that show that when a man and a woman are first attracted to each other - there are certain chemical reactions that take place in your body that create this kind of "high." And, many of these studies show that this "high" or intense feelings only last for about 2 years - if you're lucky.<P>There are a lot of writings done where people believe that "marriage," monogamy is unnatural - IF YOU LOOK AT THE ANIMAL KINGDOM. <P>But my contention is that we are not animals, we may have some animal-like instincts, but animals do not have the ability to reason, they do not have rational thought - and that separates us from most animals. While animals mate, we are monogamous for other reasons in addition to pro-creating. These reasons could be - financila support, care and support, affection, sexual fulfillment (and other HUMAN needs). A gorilla really doesn't care if he/she gets a card for valentine's day, but we as humans do.<P>By now, you're probably wondering how I know so much about "nature." Well, when I was involved in an EA - I did a lot of reserach to justify that what I was doing - well, that there was nothing wrong with it. So, I searched everywhere for ammunition to rationalize that having an extra-marital relationship is okay. It's not. When you take your wedding vows, you promise to be true to that person - and have no others beside him/her.<P>I was looking for excuses to justify my action - the only theory that made ANY sense was this "it's only natural to be attracted to more than one person - it's not natural to be monogamous." Then why did she get married in the first place?<P>I think your wife either (1) felt like this and just didn't tell you or (2) something is going on. If she loved you like a wife should love her husband, she would be faithful to you simply because she loves you and you are meeting all of her needs.<P>She's grasping for straws. She might be trying to rationalize her current actions, who knows.<P>The other thought that popped in my mind was - about how she talks to you about this now. Before my EA went to a PA, I actually asked my H "What would you do if I decided to have an A?" Deep down, I wanted my H to tell me that it would be over - that he would leave me because he couldn't bear the pain - I wanted him to tell me something that would make me stop what I was doing (having an EA and contemplating a PA). <P>My H never knew that I was having an EA when I posed this question - so he jokingly said "What ever it takes to make you happy, do what you want, as long as we stay together." My H is such a family man, obviously he was joking - but in my warped mind at the time, I thought that was the green light I needed to go out and have a PA. Yes, it was a loaded question, but if my H didn't care about me being monogamous, why should I - again, trying to rationalize my behavior.<P>When I had my EA/PA - well, if you can have a mid-life crisis at 32 - I had one. My EA/PA was with a younger man. It's crazy, I would have never believed that I would have even said something like having an affair is okay a few years ago - and here I had one. I was so warped, I was even looking for justification to have an affair in the BIBLE!! I never found any such justification in there. . .and that's when I really began to think that I couldn't justify what I was doing. Even if my H said "fine, go ahead" - it would have still been wrong.<P>Stand up for YOUR beliefs, tell your wife that you won't stand for anything less than all of her love - that you don't want to share her with anyone else.<P>After I told my H about the affair - that is exactly what he told me - that he loved me, that he would fight to keep me, and that he didn't want to share me. Some people may think that sounds controlling - but that's what I wanted to hear all along.<P>I'd have to talk to her - seriously - to see what is going on. I've been in your wife's shoes, so I know first-hand what she might be thinking about.<P>I also had a friend, who recently got divorced. Before she even thought about going to counseling she was saying stuff like "I don't think I'm the type of person that can be married" or "I don't think I'm the type of person that can be married to one man." She felt that way because she didn't love her H - or thought she didn't love her H anymore - he no longer met her needs. But she has since remarried - why? It must be for more reasons than just for pro-creation, right?<BR> <P>

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[QUOTE]Originally posted by Richritchey:<BR><B>Wow, you guys are quick. I don´t want to make it sound worse than it is. The chatting is at an early stage and there is no one she has met.</B><P>I don't want to make it worse than it than it is, but your wife is already having an affair --- an emotional affair --- and she is clearly laying the groundwork for a physical affair. Unfortunately, I believe she is getting support for that thinking from her friend that is cheating with the Italian guy and her internet buddy.<P>There is an article here about affairs and the internet that you may want to read:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5028_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5028_qa.html</A> <P>Not to shock you, but in your situation, I would be considering some serious action. Basically, your wife has renounced her wedding vows. Is that okay with you? She is having intimate sexual conversations with strange men on the internet. Is that okay with you?<P>The remaining issue is, what are you going to do about it? I believe that you need to clearly tell her that while everyone lusts in their heart, to quote Jimmy Carter, you will consider an affair the de facto end of your marriage, and take immediate action. That way she can make an informed decision. I also think that you nedto consider how to wean her away from these bad influences. <P>It would be a shame if her cuckolded friend found out about the Italian lover, and she could really watch infidelity in action as it tore apart a family.<P>I wish you luck, but I encourage ou to action.<P>Mike <BR>

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I say a hearty "AMEN!" to Mike's comments. You need to take some action.....now! <P>When I first found my H's "friendly" (not even romantic or sexual) e-mails to a co-worker, I confronted him. He just blew it off and said he just like talking to her. He said it was nothing. HA!<P>We now have been separated for over a year and he's living with her. Nothing......<P>Don't be like me, looking back and saying "Why didn't I do something THEN? How could I have just believe him when the evidence was right in front of my eyes?"<P>Anyway, please confront her. She needs to get OFF that computer chat room and regardless of her "nature" she made a vow. <P>We all have natures of one kind or another. But we also have brains, reasoning, etc. so that we don't have to run around being a slave to our nature. So is she going to use the brain God gave her to control her nature or is she going to just be an animal? Ask her that! <P>Anyway, I don't mean to sound alarmist either....no...WAIT! I DO MEAN TO SOUND ALARMIST...something needs to be done by you...now. Get into counseling. Drag her along if need be.<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<P>


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