YOu know i have been here off and on for a year, and i can remember a time when even the betrayer could get support, but i am beginning to see that the betrayer can't get any. I went over to another board, posted and got slammed. I want my marriage to over with,yet, because i had the affair i have to sit here and be a good girl and stay???<P>oh well, tis life <BR>bad bad vent day i appologize!<BR>mercy<p>[This message has been edited by mercy (edited February 16, 2001).]

I didn't see what your post was that you got slammed on, so i can't respond to that. I, personally, am glad to see the WS post here. I have learned many things and am glad to offer the perspective of the bs when I can.<BR>I hope this doesn't mean that you are leaving.<P>cleo

Mercy,<P>I responded to you on your other post. I would like to hear your answers. I don't think D'Plume slammed you, but I realize you are very hurt and sensitive right now.<P>So post and talk with us.<P>God Bless,<P>JL<P>PS: You can answer my questions on D/D here if you like.

Sorry you got slammed on another post. Actually I think you give us alot of insight as a WS. As a BS I often wonder what is going on in a WS's mind at time. You are welcome here by me.

Mercy,<P>I know that you are very unhappy, but that is no reason to make the comments you did. You know as well as I do that you have received much concern and support here even when it wasn't easy to try to comfort you.<P>I agree with JL, something is wrong here. A few weeks ago you posted about your great recovery, and that is not the first time. We all know that recovery is a rollercoaster ride, but we also know that the betrayed spouse is the driver!<P>There are many people who have offered you advice and support on this site, and who have been concerned about you. You absolutely know that I have.<P>BUT that doesn't mean that I will tell you just what you want to hear. I will tell you the truth, though maybe you don't want to hear it.<P>The truth is that you and your husband have had a troubled marriage. Your husband admitted his mistakes, asked for your forgiveness, and stopped his bad behaviors. You cheated. Your marriage was futher damaged, and your husband nearly destroyed. Now you don't want to deal with it and do the hard work required to repair it. So you are willing to break up your family and subject your five children to divorce. Unless things have changed, you have no job nor any prospects. Who is going to support those children? Who is going to tell them the truth about why their family has to be broken apart?<P>Yes, your husband did some terrible things to you. Things that he tried to atone for. And you "got even" by cheating. You are the adults in this situation, and it is time to PUT THOSE CHILDREN FIRST!!<P>Personal "happiness" is quite a bit overrated, by the way. Especially if a lot of innocent little people have to suffer for your pursuit of it.<P>Peppermint

Mercy,<P>I am new to this site and this is the first time I have ever read a post from you, but would like to say in my brief experience with this forum I have read threads from many WS's, I do not find they are treated badly. I have to assume any negativity you have received has been based on statements you, yourself have made. As I have said before on another thread, support comes in all forms and is not always things we want to hear or face. Just as a good counselor is not going to agree with everything a patient says or does, I use this example because I know someone, and the moment the counselor doesn't "go along with her" she refuses to go back and seeks out another. What amazes me about this is the only thing not changing in this equation is her, but she fails to see SHE is in fact the problem. As I said I don't know your story but do know this is a Marriage Builder site, most of us are either trying to save or rebuild our marriages, through learning, support, accepting responsibility for our actions and forgiveness. Perhaps this is not what you are seeking. If you are the mother of 5 children this isn't just about you, it is about your children first. Remember they are learning from your example.<BR><P>------------------<BR>incoginto :)<P>"You do not HAVE to be angry just because you have the right to be<BR>angry."<BR> Phillip C. McGraw in Life Strategies.

Maybe this post wasn't fair <P><BR>You all must understand we have worked very hard to put this marraige back together. Who the hell can stand up to the fight when life just fights against you. It is like trying to go upstream constantly. I am tired. really tired. I posted some weeks ago that things were looking up, why the down side?? don't know. this roller coaster is enough to puke on.<P>My H and I worked hard on this marriage. Am i ready to subject 5 kids to divorce?? maybe.<P>we even turned to our church and was kicked around, we go to our parents for help with the kdis so we can get time alone...no help htere.... "they are our kids and we shall raise them alone". No help, no money, no relationship, it just feeels hopeless!!<P>I have been looking for a job for the last two weeks.. can't find one. Who will take care of the kids?? he will ofcourse. he has the job, it is his house, he pays the rent here (his exact words). <P>I am not leaving, i just felt "Crapped" on by that post, and i am touch and hurt and ...oh well i am the cheater, what do i now about hurt?? just that porn turns up all around, what is the diff?? none.<P>shesh i am one angry child today...<BR>sorry<BR>mercy

Hi Mercy,<P>Sounds like life is handing you a bunch of lemons today. What does your H think? Does he have the same opinion as you do? Are you feeling like you are not wanted?<P>Let me ask you a question I have wanted to ask for a long time. IF my old brain isn't failing me, your H managed a ranch when you first posted here. You stayed home with the kids right? Once the renewal of the affair was brought out, you, your kids, and your H moved to a new town and he took a job in town right?<P>I am going to make a leap of faith here and assume that your downward ride on the ole coaster has to do with his responses to you. So I am going to ask you is he happy with his job? Is he where he would like to be? You mentioned money or, the lack there of, and I am wondering is it possible for him to find work he likes and that pays better somewhere else.<P>I realize your movement is at least partly to leave the OM behind, but he really wasn't left behind was he? He called, he may still be on your mind right? Your H knows this.<P>So I am just wondering if the problems now don't stem from: trust (obvious), him being very down (doesn't help you stay up does it?), lack of money (puts a hugh strain on the marriage and won't be helped by divorce), and the fact he isn't where he wants to be with regard to a job that doesn't even pay enough.<P>Any chance I am warm here??<P>If the answer to any or all of these questions is yes, then Mercy there is hope for you and your H. These are all outside influences, they can be changed, they need to be changed. You and your H have damaged each other pretty good, but he changed and you have tried to change, but I suspect your guilt hangs you up.<P>You mentioned porn. I suspect it isn't you looking at it. You also mentioned it has been a long time since you two were intimate (that does make a man onery , trust me on that one). I don't see why you are on him about porn if you are not interested in him sexually, it is probably his only entertainment at this point. I am not endorsing it, but I am trying to refrain from suggesting that his viewing it has a cause and a solution. You are not ready for the solution. <P>So come talk with us. Spill you guts and we will check the entrails and see if we can predict or modify your future. <P>Hang in there Mercy, you are going through a bad patch, but the people here will do their best to help you if by doing nothing else letting you vent, and wacking you with a wet noodle every now and then. <P>Keep posting.<P>God Bless,<P>JL