The reason for my question is because my H tells friends he is out running errands and such all day and we all know he has no errands to run and actually is with OW. I just want to if they get tired of lying and how do they keep all the lies straight?

I hated it, felt dirty, sleazy, deceitful, I couldn't keep anything straight, eventually confessed to the A.<P>I actually cracked under the pressure of telling lies - I didn't want to tell them to my H, but I couldn't break free of the addiction-like state I was in at the time. It was horrible when I thought about it. . .eventually, I started "creating" friends out of thin air - so that if my H did get suspicious, my "real friends" and he couldn't compare notes. Talk about sick!! I never had make believe friends when I was a kid - but here I would go to parties hosted by all of them. I had a very active imagination - and that's to my discredit here. I told some whoopers.<P>I laugh about it now, but trying to keep everything straight and the guilt, just kept eating away at me, and I confessed.

How do WS's keep the lies straight?? After a while, they can't. I agree with SKM . . . I felt horrible about being so deceitful, but at the time I too was in the grip of the addiction.<P>Although I didn't have the guts to confess (my H caught me by tapping our phone), I can tell you how mentally exhausting it was trying to concoct stories and excuses. I was so stressed from it that I couldn't sleep. It's a tremendous relief to have all that behind me and to be back where I belong.

SKM & SUSIE<P>You both mentioned addiction. An addiction is a dependency from which you never recover. Would you mind explaining this feeling? I just don't get it right now. Do you still feel that the OM could draw you back under the right circumstances?

I think my H found the lying to be very stressful. No to mention a heck of a lot of work! H is very analytical, not that creative so I think the whole elaborate lie thing was very strenuous for him. Not to mention that he tripped himself up afew times.

Yup, the betrayer does get tired of the lies. It was a little different for me because I didn't lie to everyone. I lied to my ex (obviously) but I had a couple of people that I confided in regarding my guilt, pain and fears. Eventually I too couldn't stand it and confessed. Of course, I also confessed because I wanted out. I could live with any of it any more.

I'm not the betrayer, but I'll answer this question as to how I think my H felt (as he was the betrayer).<P>My H told me that it was hard to live & maintain 2 lifestyles/relationships. Obviously, one suffered...meaning, our marriage.<P>He didn't like the deceit and the sneakiness.<P>Throughout our marriage, my H wasn't really ever a liar (until the affair). So when he started to lie, the lies were so far-fetched and ridiculous. He didn't know how to lie! But because he didn't have a history of lying, I wanted so much to believe him. Trust me, the lies were hard to believe!<P>After weeks of lying and the guilt overwhelming him. He confessed. He did get weary of trying to live a double-life and despised what he had become. Although he was aware of the consequences of what his affair would bring, he felt relieved after he confessed.<P>It has taken awhile for him to wean himself from lying. I think when a betrayer starts to lie, they just get too used to it.<P>Back to your question, in our case, the answer is YES...the betrayer gets tired of lying.

Hi,<P> I don't know if they get tired of lying, but I sure get tired of hearing them.<P> My H still lies. If I ask him a question , he just can't seem to remember. I guess he has developed Alzheimers.<P>------------------<BR>Deb

I'M BACK,<P> I should add, for some reason the WS think we are strong enough to handle the ongoing A,<BR>but when the A is over we can't handle the truth about what went on. I have yet to figure that one out. <P>------------------<BR>Deb

Hi Trs,<P>Do the WS get tired of the lies? Yes. When varies depending on how well they lie, is my guess. My H was an honest man. One of the reasons why I married him. His OWs taught him how to lie and this current one is a pro. Get this, OW tells him to be more 'discreet' when what she really means is 'indiscreet'. They lie not only about time and events but even have conversations with you in their heads and then get angry when you have no idea what they are talking about. Is that lying? <P>My H is bad liar (is that a double negative -hope so). He is getting lessons on how to be a good liar from the OW. But there is still enough goodness in him to get him caught. <P>Go figure this, if anyone else lies to the WS (OW, BS, anyone) the WS reacts as 'WHOA, how dare they lie to the WS. Where is the trust?!?' Conflict of interest here? Yes and if used properly can begin to put doubt in the A. That is what happened in my H's case. Truly a learning experience.<P>Someone once said that those who lie for you can also lie against you. All A's are built on lies. It is just a matter of time before they start lying to each other. Already seen it with the H & OW. Pointing it out can be beneficial. Point of caution: Sometimes when the OW can redeem him or herself, it tends to make them (temporarily) look better in the WS's eyes. But the doubt of other lies still lurk beneath the surface. <P>Sneaky? No more than they have been. Kind of interesting to stand back and watch. <P>Just my thoughts for the day. <P>Smile and make them wonder what you are really up to!!!<P>Don't sweat what you can't fix. <P>Aloha.

Thank you all for the responses. I do believe that OW is also lying-I found out she told her kids that she really isn't even married(lying to her own kids????) Now H tells people he is going bowling when he is actually at OW's house. Everyone knows but he stills lies about it. When a friend asked him if he noticed how much weight I have lost the last time he saw me he said no -because I still had my coat on-my coat was off folks. I do not understand any of this. I tell people that he is in "la-la land". Pasrt of the fog is because he knows how much pain he has inflicted and doesn't have the strength to face it all. When he was confronted about moving in with OW by a friend he laughed about it-I really am confused? Why does he tell me one thing and everyone else something different? I feel as if I am losing my mind...

I feel as though my wife takes the cake as far as lies go. I bet we all feel the same way. Maybe we should start a thread of lie comparisons to make us all feel better.<P>Mine spent virtually every evening with OM for months, coming in at all hours of the night, but guess what, aawwwwwwhhhhh, they are only friends. Silly me. Last time I checked, friends didn't write love letters that talked about the sex and passion. I don't think I have the idea of "friends" mixed up.<P>My wife lies on a regular basis on anything and everything. It is so routine now that I wonder if it will ever bother her.

My H is a compulsive liar. Since his EA cant seem to tell the truth about anything.<BR>I too want to know if this ever ends..... Cause franky i dont believe anything he says to me anymore.........

A2Timer -<P>I just saw your question and will try to answer really quick (it's getting late for me.) I consider my affair to be like an addiction to alcohol or drugs - because, even though I knew what I was doing - rationally, emotionally I was "addicted" to something - probably the feelings of affection from the OM.<P>The whole time the affair was going on, I was fighting this battle within me between what was right and what felt good. I felt so guilty, I KNEW it was wrong. I kept telling the OM that I couldn't see him anymore - I was married, and then the next day he would call and I would see him. I had no will power, I had no self-control. I couldn't say no when he wanted to see me, and I couldn't say no when he tried to kiss me.<P>Then, when I went home, it was like a really bad hangover. I tried to cover up my feelings, and my H never knew anything was wrong. But I felt horrible - even if I only saw the OM for a hour after work - I felt like I had been on an all-night binge. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't stop it.<P>It's like all the studies you see on nicotine - and how bad it is for people who smoke - then why do people continue to smoke? An alcoholic who drinks herself into a stupor every night wakes up in the morning feeling like crap - then why is the first thing she looks for is another drink?<P>My situation, during the peak of the affair, I guess, made it feel like it was an addiction simply because I knew what I was doing was wrong, bad for me, bad for my marriage, but I couldn't stop. I wasn't addicted to drugs or alcohol - but to affection, or whatever it was that the OM was giving me at the time. It definitely wasn't about sex, it wasn't about the OM being a "better" man that my H - or more attractive or anything like that. It doesn't make sense to me. During the first few months of no contact, I felt physically and mentally ill. I lost 20 pounds, I was an emotional wreck. I couldn't concentrate at work, I'd cry when I came home. When the OM contacted me after two months, I almost caved in, but didn't. When the OM contacted me after four months - I had to write a second no contact letter, because - honestly, at that point, the OM was only making me feel worse, like I would never be able to put this behind me and move forward. It was like a ghost that continued to haunt me - everytime he would call out of the blue.<P>When I look back at things, now, it all seems like a really bad dream - like I was in a stupor and didn't know what I was doing, had no control over my emotions, or even over my life.<P>You're right, I don't know that you can ever really recover from an addiction. I'm still very much a high-maintenance person - I'm still addicted to affection - the only difference - now, is that I get that affection from my H. So, I still need and crave the affection - but my H is providing it. So, you can recover, I think, from infidelity - you just have to get the right treatment. <P>Another thing, I guess that's been important for me, is that I finally realized that happiness comes from within. I know that's a very trite statement, but I always looked for someone else to make me feel attractive, for someone else to tell me that I am smart, for someone else to make me laugh or to feel good about myself. I think, before the affair, I was very depressed. Even though I am very successful at a lot of things, I really think I went through a kind of mid-life crisis. I wanted something to change. A new car, a new job, a new house, a new life - I just needed something to change. The problem was - I went looking outside to fix an internal problem.<P>In a way, I think I "recovered" from the "addiction" of the affair, because I finally learned that if you can own the mess that you're in - then you can try to fix things. I mean, I was at the lowest possible point at person could be at. . .and for me, I guess I finally realized that I can either down in self-pity and be miserable all my life - or I can do something to make my life better - make me a better person. I think all the stages I went through to get to this point in recovery with my H - can pretty much be compared to someone who has successfully battled alcoholism or some other "type" of addiction. I think all addicts rely on something or someone else to "fix their problems, but really it's you who is responsible for your actions.<P>I am definitely a different person than I was a year ago. But, I think you can recover from an "addiction" like I had if you're willing to try and find the answers yourself. Really, I don't think I would have made it without the support of my H and the intervention of God in my life.<P>So, no, if the OM - or any other man for that matter flirted with me, or told me I was beautiful - whatever, I don't think I need that anymore. I don't feel like I'm vulnerable at this point. I mean, really, I am just so different now - you really wouldn't believe the changes that have taken place.<P>I don't know if all of that made sense or not, but at the time, I really felt like I was out of control, that I was crazy, goind out of my mind. Thoughts would just pop in my head, I had no control over them, but now I do. I have control over my thoughts, I have control over my life - but it has taken me a long time to get to this point.

My wife has also compared her affair to an addiction. One day she would feel terrible about what she was doing, the next she would find the OM irresitable. <P>She also got tired of lying - she started to feel so much guilt over what she was doing that she finally decided to end it with him. She told me about it two months later.<P>-HD