. I am a thirty-nine year old man and my wife is thirty four. we have been married for<BR>fifteen years and we have two children nine and ten. I am a salesman ( I sell hot tubs an<BR>skis ) and my wife manages a food service company.<P> I have always thought that I had the perfect life and marriage. My wife is beautiful and warm and caring and my children are just great. My job doesn’t pay very well but we have always been able to make it. Over the years we have hardly ever fought except for a few times and they were always about money. my wife has a way of spending way more money than we have and hiding the bills until things get so bad that everything falls apart .<BR>we have been through more than one bankruptcy and bounced checks were a monthly<BR>event. she always told me that the reason she hid the bills was because she thought that it would stress me out and that I wasn’t good under pressure. So after the last time she went to therapy and things have been OK for about three years. In order to pay back all of the bills my wife had to take a job . The job she is at now she has been with for about two years and is doing very well. and with a few exceptions the spending has been under control.<P> Anyway on January fourth I came home from a ski trip with the kids ( one that she<BR>was very determined to se me go on ) and she told me that she was very unhappy in our<BR>marriage and she wanted to separate. I was floored , I had no idea that there was anything wrong with our marriage but she was determined to end it . Looking back now over the past years I guess we did have some conversations about our marriage getting stale but I chalked it up to hormones and we talked it out and it seemed to go away.<P> Well after she told me that I guess I did the usual..i told her I could change ...I told her we could go to counseling ....I told her that I loved her ...I told her that it would hurt the<BR>children etc. etc. but she would have none of that and she told me she was going to leave.<BR> She said that she loved me but she was not in love with me.she said that I was too<BR>needy and that she was the emotional support for everyone including family and<BR>friends.She also told me that I don’t do enough around the house and she feels like she does it all . of course I told her that I couldn’t do as much around the house because I had to work harder to pay back the bills that she caused.<BR> Anyway she told me that she was going to leave for three days a week and would sleep<BR>on the couch until she could find an apartment she said that she was staying with a girlfriend on the days she wasn’t home. so for the next two weeks that is what happened<BR>and on the time that we spent together we talked like old friends we really had some good conversations but in the end she would always say that it didn’t mean anything and we were going to get divorced .<BR> then I started to get a suspicion that there was another man so I confronted her and she told me that there was a man but they were just friends but she did have feelings for him.At that I told her that she should probably leave the house and only come home to take care of the kids. she agreed and promptly told the children that mommy and daddy were going to get a divorce and that she had a new friend who was another man.She said it with<BR>such coolness that the kids seemed to accept it without too much trouble ,I on the other<BR>hand was a wreck. The kids cried a little bit but she told them that we would still be<BR>together just not as husband and wife.<P>over the next few weeks we didn’t talk too much but we would write letters back and<BR>fourth where she would tell me to get over it and I would tell her that I loved her and I wanted her back. I tried to change all of the things that I thought she didn’t like about me.I spent more time with the kids , I kept the house immaculate, I started working out and when she would let me I was very supportive of her and attentive.<P>Then one day she invited me out for a drink and I thought that this is it, we are going to work it out. Boy was I wrong. She told me that she was living with the other man (a<BR>friend from work ) and that she was in love. She said she was feeling things that she never felt and that there was no hope for our marriage ever working out . I was crushed so I left and went home depressed.<P> Over the next few weeks I read every book I could find on saving a marriage but none of the situations seemed to be as grim as mine. I talked to friends , I talked to family ,I went to counseling but nobody gave me any hope of saving my marriage ..only advise on how to deal with depression. <P> so I decided<BR>to put my plan into action. In my next letter I told her that I agreed that our marriage was over and that I felt good about the changes I was feeling in myself. I told her that I would like to remain best friends and that she could always count on me for help when she needed it. I also asked her if she could watch the kids so I could go out that week.<P> In her next letter she told me she was happy to see that I was getting on with my life and that it would be better for the both of us. She also told me that she would like to go somewhere the following week as a family but she added that it would only be as goodfriends<P> I told her the family time sounded great and I made plans to go skiing the next week<BR>well I went out with my friends and have been trying to be as happy when I see her as I can. Things seemed fine we were talking more and I thought that I was on the right<BR>track.however she still would keep reminding me that we were just friends and that the marriage was over.<P> Well something came up and we couldn’t go skiing together but I kept my spirits up<BR>and told her that mabey we could do it some other time. she agreed and life went on. Then we get to this past Saturday. My wife calls me and tells me that her car has broken<BR>and could she borrow mine. Without even thinking I agreed and she came to pick it up I asked where she would be going and she told me she had a date with him. so I handed<BR>over my keys and she left.<P> The next day she brings back my car and thanks me for lending it to her. She tells me<BR>that she is in a financial bind and her credit card is maxed and she can’t afford to get the car fixed I offer to help her out but I ask her why doesn’t her boyfriend pay for it .She tells me that she thinks he would but she hasn’t asked him yet. Now she starts to give me all this information about him that she was always secretive about, she tells me that he makes a lot of money lives in a big house by the shore has a boat .she even tells me what town he lives in but she is careful not to tell me his name. <BR> Anyway the next day she tells me she bounced a check for $100 and could I loan her<BR>the money . I did but I told her that I didn’t feel comfortable paying for the repairs on her car.<P>I feel like such a sucker.<P> so now I get a letter form her and she asks me if it would be OK to let the kids meet the new man.....she says that he is pressuring her to move in with him and that she doesn’t think it would be rite at this time but she wants to get her own apartment.But she wantsthe kids to get to know him because he is going to be a part of her life for a very long time.<P>Well I know that I am supposed to agree with everything but this I just couldn’t live with<BR>so I told her in no uncertain terms that what she was doing was immoral and it would be sending the wrong message to the kids I told her that I would do anything to see that that didn’t happen until after the divorce.so today I get a letter where she said that she understands my feelings and she will respect my wishes however she wants to start work on the divorce as soon as possible.<P>so that is my story up till now .I feel like I am on a runaway train and everytime I try to<BR>pull the brake I just make it speed up. <P>do you think I have any hope of saving my marriage ?<P>should I still be friendly with her ? it hurts me to see her but I do still enjoy her company<P>should I try to call the other man ?<P>should I just give up and see where it takes me ?<P>I am desperate for answers but how can I compete with new love from a man who seems<BR>to have more to offer than I do ?<P>does it seem to you that this is moving way too fast ?<P>thankyou in advance for your suggestions and comments<P><p>[This message has been edited by me 24 (edited February 20, 2001).]

Me 24,<BR> I'm so sorry for what your W is doing to you. It sounds like you have been doing about all you can with this terrible situation. The best thing would be if you could talk your wife into come kind of counseling, but that doesn't really look too hopeful. She is clearly in that terrible fog that swallow up WS's. You remember how it felt to be madly in love? You lose your good sense. Until she comes out of it you are unlikely to be able to have much effect on her, and by that time she may have already divorced you.<BR> I suggest reading "Plan A/Plan B and send you my prayers.<BR>hope

If you can, I would try to hang on a little longer in Plan A. . .just keep being there for her as much as you can(I don't know about giving her all the $ she asks for-you'll have to answer those for yourself as they come I guess). Her A hasn't been "out in the open" for much more than a month. She hasn't been away from her children for very long. Give it some time to sink in to her what she's really giving up.<P>As far as competing w/a man who has so much more to give. . I don't know about that. First, she may be lying about his $, etc. And he obviously didn't "offer" to give her $ to fix her car, right? Remember, the two of you have history, you have children. I think you've got alot to fight with.<P>I know at least for me, I'm using this time to really examine myself and changes I want to, or need to, make about myself.<P>Be as nice as you can to her, I would also do as much family time together as she will allow (be careful not to push her about it, mostly let her initiate it-maybe once in a while an invite from you). And when you are together as a family make it as pleasant & fun as you can. It will have an affect on her.<P>Just remember it will take a while and you probably won't get much back from her right away. But I think that things get "tucked away" in WS's minds.<P>Keep posting to us here, you find a lot of help!! Hang in there & be there for your kids!