Long story, but I will do my best to keep as brief as possible. My H works very long hours 6 days a week and is very possessive about my time while he is home. My friends have always felt free to call me any time they need me, to talk, cry, vent etc. I have always made myself available to them when they have needed me just as most of them have done for me. H became increasingly unhappy with this situation over the years in fact became very jealous and we began to argue over this. I tried to compromise by limiting it and keeping my calls very brief etc. He was still unhappy. Finally I grew tired of fighting against him and informed my friends of the situation, telling them that while he is home, I would need to stay off the phone unless it is an emergency "crisis" All but one friend has accepted this fine, and have respected my decision. To be honest I initially did this just to avoid the "fit" my H would throw, once he was ready for bed I would go with him until he went to sleep then would get up to deal with my friends and what ever problem they were having. My H hated me doing this as well, and wanted me to come to bed and stay in bed. At first I felt this was a control issue and ignored H feelings about this. He argued that he felt it was my way of getting away from him, and the lack of enough sleep was causing me to be snappy with him (he was right) Now that I have really recommitted myself to my marriage I realize I was using this as a way to stay disconnected from him as well. Now that I realize this I am keeping the same hours as him and it has went a long way to improve our marriage. Now for the problem. I have one friend going through a very difficult time in her life. This has been an ongoing situation for over a year now. Her long term relationship has ended and she is hurt, depressed etc. and I appear to be her only support. I have known her a long time, but I do not consider her one of my close friends, just a long time friend. She is a very self-centered person, just her personality type. I have been actively enforcing my boundaries although she is fighting it every step of the way. She will begin calling me every 10 minutes at night from about 8:30 pm on. I do not answer, but yet she continues. She was doing this last night my H became very angry, (I was irritated as well) so I got up and unplugged the phones. I called her this AM she immediately began questioning me on where I have been. I again told her that I am busy with my family at night, and unavailable, I went on to ask why she feels it necessary to call back repeatedly, that it is very annoying and not necessary as I have caller ID can see she has called and will get back to her when it is a better time for me. She was angry and hurt. I know she feels betrayed by me and abandoned, this makes me feel guilty as I know what it is like to need the support of your friends during a crisis. I am wondering if another compromise is in order here, like maybe a night or two a week? H called me from work I told him of her feelings and my feelings of guilt that I am not being a good friend and this is against my nature. He feels she is being ridiculous and selfish, that their is no reason she must call at night. I had mentioned to him once long ago that she was no support to me during my big crisis (during his A and leaving our home) she is not aware he was in an A but knew we were having big problems had moved out and I was a wreck. He says she is a lousy friend anyway, and he would feel differently if she wasn't so ridiculous and selfish, if this was a temporary crisis or one of my "true" friends. I just don't know what to do I feel terrible and know I wouldn't want to be all alone with no-one in her situation but I do need to put my marriage first. Am I being selfish? Is my H being to ridiculous? I just don't know anymore. Any advice would be helpful and appreciated. OK so much for brief. <P>------------------<BR>incoginto :)<P>"You do not HAVE to be angry just because you have the right to be<BR>angry."<BR> Phillip C. McGraw in Life Strategies.

UGH I know I spelled friend wrong it won't let me edit geez.

Hi Incognito,<P> I agree with your H. Your friend seems a little demanding. I personally do not have any time for demanding friends or relatives,right now. I feel I have enough problems of my own since my H/A. <P> I only support my son in law, as my D left him for OM. <P> I used to be like you. Everyone leaning on me for support. How do you still manage?? <P>------------------<BR>Deb

Dear Incognito,<P>You and I are alike. Many have used me as a sounding board over the years. Guess what? Especially my H's family (he has a lot of siblings). Anyway, H allowed me to be there for them (he knew how hard it was being raised in a very disfunctional home - could write a novel about that) but it left little time for he & I. I also was called often and it irritated my H. But remember that was 'his family'. That still didn't matter to him. <P>Bottom line? No one is going to take an interest in you & your family more than yourself. If others are dragging you down and preventing you from working with your family, then they are not a good friend. I had a very frank talk with my in-laws, told them how I felt and what my assistance would be limited to. Basically gave them back their problem and said deal with it. You know what? There problems still exist but they are learning to deal with it. I was not the only one they needed. They are still alive and getting on with life. My mother-in-law isn't speaking to me (my father-in-law is) and that's ok for me now. <P>This revelation came a little late for me. My H felt he needed to go elsewhere for his ENs and boy he had takers. This one he found is a selfish leech but he doesn't see it that way, 'yet'. Maybe he never will, I can not make him see it, he has to find it out for himself. <P>My H just today, came by to apologize for making my life so miserable and putting me through all this angony. I accepted his verbal apology and he said that was not enough and I agreed. In the past the 'giver'<BR>side of me would have tried to play down my side. No more. Let them see it all. All is fair in love and war. <P>This is quite an adjustment for me and I have not mastered the art of pushing back. I have a few friends that are helping me and that has been supportive. Even my boss at work gives me a bad time but if I listen closely he is telling me to 'back off and push back L. you are taking on too much work...'. It is true. I guess I am just a bit stubborn. Ok very stubborn. But usually for a good cause. Is that the case with you?<P>If yes, take care of yourself and family. The sun will still come up everyday and others will go on with or without you. They did before they met you and it may even strengthen their character. <P>Letting go is not just within our family, often it is outside as well and when all come to a sensible state of mind, they may be able to thank you for helping them get back on 'their own two feet of self worth'.<P>Take Care,<BR>L.

Boy, I do understand how it is like to have a friend like that even if my situation is a bit different from yours.<P>My stbx's ex-gf sounds a lot like yours. I know there's no love feeling between them but she was so demanding. When we were going out she called his place more than 10 times a day, a couple of times she left messages and after that just called to see if H was home. IT was so annoying till she talked to him she would never give up calling. and if he doesn't return the calls she got mad.. sounds familiar? AND she didn'T have friends(well if she acted this way to anybody I bet nobody wanted to be around). The thing is, like you said this friend of yours isn't your best friend, even though you have known her for a long time. I guess there's a reason for it.. if she was there for you when you were having a problem with your H maybe thing could be different. And she just wants things from you and she hasn't given back any. <P>Back to my H's friend. She was mentaly ill and she was very dipressed. But I knew that talking to my H wouldn'T help anything, because at the end she was totally dependant. I told H this too and he agreed but he needed her to need him. Anyway they stopped contact finally after 7 yrs and seems like she's doing much better.<P>I understand you feel bad you can't be there for her when she needs someone. You said she doesn't have anyone else? well she made that to happen. You have your own life and since her actions annoys you you don't want to be only the person she has. She has to learn how to find people who will help her. But that's not your problem. She needs to learn to deal with it. Don't bend your rule for her, she has to respect your life and family. And if she gets mad that's her problem, not yours.<P>Meg

As an outsider looking in, what your friend does and what she expects is simply ridiculous. You are not a counsellor for her. It is fine for a friend to be there to help, but that does not involve calling all the time and wondering why you aren't answering. She needs to get professional help. If she has been dealing with this for a year, and still wants this kind of support from you, she really needs help. I'm not trying to be harsh, just realistic.<P>I don't blame your H for being annoyed by this. I'd also say that often going to bed and then getting up to help friends out would eventually cause marital problems. Should be a rare thing. If friends rely on this they are too needy.<P>And no, don't schedule 1 or 2 nights a week. Tell your friend to get some help.<BR>