Keeping in mind that I am in possesion of an unsigned legal document (separation agreement) which clearly states his intent (intent means a lot in law) that the entire contents of the apartment where I live and where he used to live with me is mine...<P>========================<BR>Dear H,<P>I have been thinking a lot since you came to see me at work the other day. It was so wonderful to see you, and terrible at the same time. And the terrible part is why I am writing this letter.<P>When you moved out, you took with you what you wanted. You didn't take a lot of things because, you said, you had no place for them. You haven't mentioned any of those things since that time. And it has been a long time since you moved. I don't know how to say this in a way that doesn't sound mean, so I will simply apologize in advance for the sound of it - it isn't intended to be mean or spiteful, just me finally drawing a line: None of the things in my home belong to you any longer. I am not going to make any arrangements with you so that you can come in and take things that you left behind so long ago - those things are mine now. My home cannot simply be a storage facility for you - it is my home and all the contents of it belong to me.<P>I need to tell you that my feelings for you haven't changed. I still love you with all of my heart and soul, and still want you back in my life as my husband. I know I will feel this same way for a long time to come. You are a good person inside, with a potential for greatness that I would hate to see you waste - and which I would love to have a part in cultivating.<P>But I can no longer be a friend without being a wife. Please don't call me or come to see me anymore. If you need to communicate with me, please contact one of your sisters and give them a message for me. I will do the same. If you decide one day that you want to work on our marriage, then you may contact me directly. Again, this is not something I am doing out of spite or meanness, it is part of the line I must draw. Please honor this request from me.<P>I love you and will love you always, and I will always believe in us. I truly wish that you would see that our marriage would give you everything you ever wanted in life.<P>Always your loving wife,<P>=============================<BR>

Terri;<BR>your letter is every good - loving yet drawing the line in the sand. <P>I wonder about asking his motivation now?<BR>Maybe say "when you moved out you made the decision to leave those things behind, I am unsure what is different now (2 years later) but I feel like those possesions are mine now"<P>I have a feeling that he is making excuses to see you and talk to you and to be at the house......... and you should call him on that directly.<P>Mostly I think you are handling this wonderfully - let him know you love him and want ot work on the marriage - let him know that once he made the decision to leave - the "us" and "ours" of the relationship changed.<P>You are right to say your home can not be a storage shed for his possesions.<P><BR>But you are right to let him know you still love him and still want your marriage to work.<P>Good luck

I think you stated your intentions & expectations beautifully. I almost teared up, but that was because of knowing how hard this is for you, not that your words were over-emotional.<BR>Take care.

Do you want to put in the part about ending it with sluggo before he contacts you again too? I think the Harleys put it like when you are ready to take steps to end it with OW then we can talk about restoring our marrige.<P>Oh, and Jo always says men dont like the word "Work" on our marrige.<P>Otherwise it sounds great. <BR>Lora

Excellent!!! How are you with it-do you feel ok?

Terri,<P>Your letter is very good. I like the minor changes that the others suggested. <P>Reading your letter made me feel tearful...but then, Plan B's are always so sad.<BR>

Thank you for the responses...<P><B>mrsaxxeman:</B> Keep in mind that no matter how long it has been (and it has been over two years at this point), he is still "in the fog" and would probably never realize he was making excuses to see me. Certainly, he would never admit it.<P><B>Lor:</B> You are absolutely right that this is very hard for me ... there is something different about writing the Plan B letter than just not calling or seeing him without it. At least for me. And maybe it is that difference I need for myself, I don't know...<P><B>Lora:</B> I don't think I want to bring slug into this - I know he wouldn't even THINK of trying to come back to the marriage as long as she is in the picture, so I think I am safe in saying it the way I've said it. I do agree that "work" is probably not a great way to put it, so I will work on that part a little bit.<P><B>bitsy:</B> I am comfortable with it ... but sad. I guess that's pretty normal, though.<P><B>Survivor:</B> Thank you ... Plan B's ARE so sad - none of us should ever have to go there. I hope things are going well for you with your husband and continue to go well.<P>Thank you all again...<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

<B>Terri</B><P>Your letter was wonderful, and maybe the word to replace work on our marraige could be grow, as in "grow in our marriage? Just a thought. <P>I will be thinking of you while I say my prayers this evening.<P>------------------<BR><B>God bless you and all of us. We are all going to make it, all of us! With God on our side we can't lose! What God has joined together let no man put asunder. <P>Samantha</B><p>[This message has been edited by A blessed Samantha (edited February 18, 2001).]

Terri,<BR>Sending hugs - and a prayer for you.<P>How about instead of "work" - how about "re-invent"... ? That way - you are sort of acknowledging that it wasn't perfect - pre - affair? <P>And, then of course there is the old... When... (I am restricted from loving you as a wife should, restricted to only being a friend)... I feel....(Sad, and lonely - and grief over the loss of a life, and certainly rejected.) I need....(to be your wife, or at least to create an environment where my love for you is not tainted by the hurt I am feeling from the loss of being your wife...)<P>What you wrote is great. It is clearly communicated what you expect at this point. I just wonder do you really want to not talk to him? Are you really at that point, that you are losing your love for him because of his continued affair? Maybe you could explain the hurt it causes you - and you do not want the "hurt" to turn to loss of love??? <P>Seems like you are handling an emotional weekend better than is to be expected. <BR>Hugs and prayers, <BR>TNT

It looks very good, Terri.<P>I'm sorry that you've had to get to this point.

I believe you wrote a wonderful letter. It shows that you will not be walked on but also shows thatyou have the grace to work on your marriage and you are a strong woman. I know it was difficult to write and will be hard to implement, I will keep you in my thoughts.

(((((((((((( terri )))))))))))))<P>thinking of you.....<BR>sending good, healing thoughts for you.<P>Dylan

<BR>terri,<P>First, the legal angle:<P>I don't know the legal force of an unsigned document, but I suspect it doesn't carry weight. And if he decides to litigate, it will entrench in his mind the formality of impending divorce. People's positions tend to harden once lawsuits start flying.<P>Second, the Plan A/B angle:<P>Geez, I don't want to sound like I'm bashing you Terri, but let me speak plainly. Isn't the whole point of Plan A to become a better person? Do you really need the stuff your husband seeks, or is simple pride drawing your line of principle? I support your Plan B, but isn't the idea to part with the wayward spouse carrying good memories?<P>Bystander

terri,<P>prayers. assume the letter is hard for you & that it will be hard to send. hope you find peace & happiness. you deserve them both.

Terri:<P>I haven't been here in a long time, but wanted to say that I'm proud of you. I think about you and a lot of others here and am glad to see you being strong. Like K, I'm sorry it came to this.<P>Love,<BR>Shannon<P>

Thank you Samantha, Tnt, K, TRS, Dylan, Sing and Singer! I deeply appreciate the support.<P>Bystander ... first, legalities - why would intent matter only in murder and not in divorce? second, this is the first line I've ever drawn - what would you have me do? Open the home he abandoned over two years ago to him so he can take whatever he wants? Don't you think he has taken enough from me? I am a better person, a stronger person. I am gently reminding him that he has made his choice and he can no longer have it both ways: this is either his home with me, or it is my home. There is no anger there... no retribution, no hostility or hostile intent. It is completely in keeping with Harley's Plans, I think... <P>If I were to have to make everything happy and pleasant for him, I would simply sign divorce papers... wouldn't I?<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Terri,<BR>I liked your letter alot. Very courageous. I hurt for you thinking how tough it must be for you. Great line about the "storage facility."<BR>I do wonder though if you are inviting legal action. An unsigned letter could have been written by anyone and therefore may not have much force. Just a thought.<BR>I am hopeful for you. Take care.<BR>John <P> <p>[This message has been edited by Johnny (edited February 20, 2001).]

Terri,<BR>I know how painful it is to write your Plan B letter. I gave mine to my H less than 2 wks ago. I blew it immediately because of the finality of it, but got back on track and now have not had contact for ten days. I found out a wk. after I gave it to him that he keeps it with him in his truck. He read it to a mutual friend (I'd already shared it with her but she didn't tell) and asked her why I hadn't said the complementary things about him that I included sooner. Oh well, live and learn. Nothing since, but at least I know it made an impression. I mailed one to an old P.O. Box address I had for OW and don't know if she's received it. I didn't put a return address. Are you going to send one to OW?

Terri,<P>I have to admit your letter was so good that I used parts of it in mine to my H. You have worked so hard for so long-you have tremendous strength!!

Terri...<P>You have one more backer in your corner...<BR>...me.<P>Stay strong...<P> <P>Jim