I'm back after two weeks away(except for the weekend) on business. For those of you who remember, my wife intended to "move in" while I was gone to be able to spend more time with our son. She never did. My Aunt that I imported for the time did wonderfully getting my new au pair adjusted. Wife just breezed in and out a few times on son school business and never followed the plan she gave my Aunt and au pair. For example, she'd say she was coming by at 4:30 to get our son to help with homework and not show up till much later. My Aunt knows of tha A, but I haven't prejudiced the au pair with any information. Nonetheless, the aupair told my Aunt one evening after observing my wife come and go that, "she looks like a satisfied woman." <P>Anyway, I left a Valentines card for each one before I went out of town that week. Of course, got nothing from my wife. The new au pair's birthday was also on the 14th and my birthday was the 16th (the day I returned home) so we planned a combined little party. Birthdays are a big deal in our family. I invited my wife the week before and offered her to participate in buying the au pair's gift. She never responded. I came home on the 16th and son, Aunt, au pair and I had a nice dinner and I got a gift from my Aunt. Just before cutting the cake, my wife calls my son on her cell phone from the driveway. He went out to her car. After a few minutes, I walked out to see what was going on and my wife rolled down her window and said "go away" in the innocent tone that meant she and our son were conspiring some birthday surprise and said "happy birthday" with a big grin. I went back into the house and in a few minutes, my son came in with a present and card for the au pair and a present for me. My wife drove off without even getting out of the car. My present was a computer gadget that I didn't need because my wife misinterpreted that the one I already had was broken. No card, no further communication.<P>Today (Sunday) she came by to get our son for the day and our two dogs to take them to get trimmed. I sent the birthday present back with my son. I avoided seeing her to avoid getting into any conversation which I might have LB'd about her rude birthday party behavior. My son knows that I was upset at not getting much attention from her for my birthday and he probably told her. A few minutes after they left she tried to call, but I let the answering machine answer and she left no message. I just didn't feel like talking to her.<P>It did hurt me that she got the au pair a nice gift and card and simply got me something for my son to give me and no other acknowledgment and wouldn't even come into the house.<P>I know she was antsy around my Aunt even though they used to be close. I guess she wants to avoid her because she assumes I've told my Aunt everything, which is true.<P>Any other thoughts from WSs? Why does she treat me like a leper? Guilt? Just more fog? What's the WS thought process for avoiding contact with the BS even when no LB'ing has taken place recently? I know, I know, they're insane and can't be explained, but it sure is frustrating.<P>Dave (WAT)

WAT-good to see you back & Happy Birthday!!<P>You know what it is, guilt, guilt & more guilt. Then on top of that you can throw in a little stupidness. I said in a post to Rick that I'm not really sure how they are able to function in the rest of their lives (work & stuff), cuz they certianly aren't thinking right.<P>Hang in there.

Hey Dave,<P>glad to see you. Last year we had a similar Mother's day snafu. Mine wasn't wrapped, came late, was a guilt gift because son spoke with him. This I did not attribute to guilt. I call it the "fog" or "alien abduction". Even if things were winding down with OW, he still was convinced things could not work for us. That's my two cents.<BR>Congrats on growing another year older (and wiser).<BR>cleo<p>[This message has been edited by cleopatra (edited February 18, 2001).]

Thanks Ladies. More update: She called me a little while ago and fussed at me because I wasn't satisfied with my birthday. Actually, my son must have told her I was disappointed that I didn't get a card from her and that she didn't come in the house to join the party. She turned this around on me as the bad guy for mentioning this to my son. She claimed to have gone out of her way to get a gift and she's sorry I didn't like it. Son was supposed to make a card from both of them but "obviously didn't get any guidance from Aunt or au pair." She accused me of being selfish. She said she didn't feel comfortable around my Aunt which is why she didn't come in. Am I unreasonable?<P>Dave

Welcome back Dave,<P>Hope the trip went well. I don't think you are unreasonable, but I also don't think you can expect any kind of sanity right now. This kind of stuff happens regularly, as you know. You never know what is going through her mind.<P>I'm sure she is uncomfortable around your Aunt, and wants to stay away. These are just side effects of that, combined with the alien factor. Too hard to figure out. I'd say that letting her know you are disappointed is not something that will do you much good. These kinds of things are simply not received well by a WS.<P>She hasn't hit reality yet in my opinion.

Yea, Rick, I know you're right. In hindsight I was expecting too much. But she got the message and once again spoke her favorite line of self defense, "I am not a bad person." Seems this comes out whenever she's trying to convince herself of it. I'm hoping that now we can settle back into a "normal" routine after the perturbations caused by the new au pair, my trip, and my Aunt's presence.<P>Dave

WAT -<P>Hey, welcome back and happy belated birthday. As a WS, I really think your wife felt more uncomfortable being around your aunt than she does around you. It's hard to explain, but I can see why your wife would be embarrassed to be around your aunt. She's used to you - but that third party thing - well, I think it's just about the WS being selfish again - she didn't want to come in because SHE didn't feel comfortable. Yes, it was the guilt. The present. . .while not very thoughtful, she did get you something. I know how hard it is not to LB, but I was always taught to appreciate ANY gift that I was given - even if it was a hiddeous sweater from Aunt Zelda.<P>I think you just have to keep doing the Plan A thing. I think your wife does feel somewhat "ashamed" of how she is treating you - otherwise she would have bounded through the door with no problems what so ever. So, take the guilty feelings as a good sign - at least she feels something. I think she should have gotten you a card at least, and I know you must be dissapointed, but really, it's just her being selfish, and I don't know how you change that.<P>Anyway, I'm glad you had a safe trip. I'm sorry you were disappointed on your birthday, but try not to let it get to you. You're a good guy, even if she doesn't treat you that way. Hang in there.<BR>

DAve,<P>Belated birthday greetings.<P>I agree with SKM that your W was just too uncomfortable to see your aunt & that was good as she still feels guilt, ashamed, etc.<P>Hope things settle down for you now.

Thanks SKM and sing. I think you're right and I wish I had handled it a little better. Now the shoe is on the other foot as her birthday is coming up on the 28th. I plan on recognizing it as per usual and inviting her over for cake, etc. with our son. I won't over do it, maybe just record some of our mutually favorite music onto CDs for the CD player in her new car. Also as a gag, I'll get her one of the smell good things you hang from the mirror. I need to try to put some humor and fun back into our interactions. This is what originally attracted her to me 21 years ago.<P>Dave