I was lurking tonight and really need to sleep but wanted to ask a question of all of you.<BR>In therapy yesterday my therapist said that I was accepting too much blame for his A. He has said that at the time of the A he felt unloved, undesired and felt I no longer showed him the loving affection that he needed. I will admit that looking back there was a lot more I could have done to show my love for him, but I also felt that I was showing this to him. We had many discussions regarding this over a 3-year period prior to the affair, in which he would voice his frustrations and I would say I would change and either try to and stop or not try and feel as if I was. I often felt that when I did try he felt that he didn’t see that I was doing it because I love him. He often said that he felt I was doing things out of obligation, that I didn’t love him, just the life he offered me and that I was content in the life he gave me. I began to feel that “Why should I try if he doesn’t see it as an example of my love and desire for him?”<BR>My H has said to me that he knows it was his decision alone to have the affair, and yes he realizes it was wrong and is truly remorseful (I wouldn't be here if I felt he wasn't), but he also says that the decision to seek comfort elsewhere was based on how he was feeling at that time, and that was unloved by me. He has also recently said in therapy that he sees that he could have been a lot clearer when voicing his frustrations. <BR>However, I can’t help but feel that I could have stopped this from happening, that if he had felt loved and desired he wouldn't have been so vulnerable to her and would have been able to say no. He really did try to tell me. I was just not listening hard enough.<BR>This is really getting in the way of our recovery. I really want to let my H in again, but I get so angry when I realize that I did have something to do with this. So my question is...How do I separate the two issues? How do I stop from feeling that my responsibility in the problems pre-affair caused him to go elsewhere for something I wasn’t giving him? So many people have said that it wasn't my fault and that it wasn't my responsibility, (and believe it or not, I do hear you), but since it was based on something that involved my inability to hear his frustrations and see that I wasn't meeting his needs, and if I did I truly believe he wouldn't have been there. How do I get past this? How do I separate my responsibility from his, or am I approaching this in the wrong way? I feel as if i should be past this point by now(8 months past D-day)<BR>I hope this makes sense. I’m really tired and it makes sense to the exhausted mind, but I may read this tomorrow and not understand what I am asking. Good luck!<BR>

Not Giving Up,<BR>Evaluating the past is useful to the extent that we are then able to change our behaviors, but beating yourself with something you can't change, something that just *was* is pretty futile.<P>You slid into a pattern that you thought was working, maybe you could have made the changes your H wanted, but that didn't happen. He chose to have an affair--not a proactive response to helping your marriage or relationship. That was his decision.<P>Now you can make new decisions. If you haven't already taken the Emotional Needs Questionnaire, do so along with reading HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS. Another book that kind of gelled things for me is THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES by Chapman. My H's love language and mine are very different...and even when we are showing love, the other person doesn't always receive it as love. It sounds a lot like what you are talking about and similar to meeting EN.<P>Try to focus on today and the upcoming days, not the mistakes you made in the past. Ask your H's forgiveness if you need to, and also extend forgiveness to him...and move ahead.<P>I often feel the quicksand of the past slurping at my feet, the woulda/shoulda/couldas...this is the advice that works best for me.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8