I am very new to all of this internet stuff so please be patient. My brain doesn't work as well since my H is having an A and I am in the midst of a divorce initiated by me but unwanted by me. <P>I am so confused! I don't want a divorce. I love my husband, or at least the man who used to be my husband before the aliens took him away. I have 3 small kids, 5, 3, 2. The youngest was 1.5 when all this started. I am still willing to try anything however, this divorce stuff is terrible. The aliens replace the WS with a mean, terrible person.<P>H is still in the house, won't leave d/t he says he can't afford it, I am a stay at home mom for the last 3 years. He wants me to go to work now.<P>Any suggestions. I could go on forever.<P>Thanks.

Hi hopelessmom,<P>I'm sorry to hear about the affair and divorce. This is very hard to deal with. There are a lot of people dealing with affairs (unfortunately). You will get MANY responses with helpful suggestions.<P>Best wishes,<P>Peppermint<p>[This message has been edited by peppermint (edited February 21, 2001).]

Welcome <B>hopelessmom</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>BTW: you are not a "hopeless mom"...<BR>...if you are dedicated to your children...<BR>...you are a "super" mom!!!<P>Now about your H...<BR>Don't force him to move out...<BR>...you'll need him around as you start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>It hard work...<BR>...and rewards come much later...<BR>...but if you want to save your marriage it is the best route.<P><B>You are not alone</B>!<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

Thank you for the welcome. I sure do need help. <P>My immediate question is, how do I go thru divorce proceedings and be in Plan A. He tells me that he will have no $ left and I will leave him in the gutter. I am doing all this out of anger and bitterness. I told him I still love you and want to work on our relationship, I do not want a divorce, you do. You told me at a counseling session on Dec. 28 ( that was my xmas gift) that you didn't want to work on our relationship. You have tried and you just can't make me happy .<P>I could write a book about this crappy experience. <P>Anyway, we have been married 13 years, 14 in June. Waited 8 years to have kids and then BOOM! 3 kids in 2.5 years. Well, let me tell you what a shocker that was to Me and to him. I suffered Post partum Depression and was medicated after # 3. Meds have changed since then. <P>I know tha he loves his kids BUT you would never know it. He has not spent more than 30 hours alone with kids since my 3rd child was born. He is always with someone and the OW filled that need of being the friend and someone to take of the kids.<P>Since I have realized that the relationship became inappropriate, I believe my husband is SICK. I'm not sure that he isn't an alcoholic. (Both his parents are recovering)<P>He says such mixed things to me and his actions are loving yet sometimes mean. He is such a good liar that I'm not sure about anything he does.

I certainly do not know the circumstances you are facing, but I do know that it sounds as though you're NOT ready to call it quits and get a divorce - so don't.<P>Work on it from here and get him to commit to doing the same. This will take tons of effort and time, not to mention pain and suffering.<P>Good luck.. my heart goes out to you all.<P>Karl<P>

[QUOTE]Originally posted by hopelessmom:<BR><B>Thank you for the welcome. I sure do need help.</B><P>What is the status of the affair? Can you give us a timeline...when it began, when you discovered it, etc? Is it ongoing? What can you tell us about the OW?<P>I agree with Karl,m if you don't want a divorce, and you have energy left to work on the marriage, you should be focusing your efforts there. If, like sometimes happens, the divorce proceedings were an unsuccessful ploy to end the affair, then you are in a tricky strategic position.<P>Your goal hereshould be to end the affair and all contact with the OW. Read the Q&A section off the home page about affairs and how they should end.<P>Mike <P>

HOPELESS MOM,<P> STOP the D proceedings. I did the same thing, H called it my D. I said I did not want one, as I was doing it for him. H said not to be doing him any favors. I think he wanted me to say I was doing it because I no longer loved him, and no longer wanted to be M.<P> That would have let him off the hook. He would have looked better if I did that. He would have felt better if I had did that. <P> I stopped the D. Let him know, if he wanted one to get his own. He also continued A after I discovered it. Well A over. H still home, no D.<P> Even though it is very very hard. It was the most devastating experience in my life...<BR>I think it was also for my H.....He almost gave up a 20 year marriage to someone that loves him deeply for someone that loves money, herself, arrogant, and who had her own live in, 13 year relationsip. He left his family for her. Now, she was cheating on him. You can learn a lot about the OW right now. They give big hints about their true character. WS's can not see the OP flaws but BS's can. If you can ignore the stupid stuff<BR>they say about you. The stupid stuff they say Is very painful. But you have to know they all say the same thing. If you do not know this, as I did not. You will take it to heart and it will be worse on you. I just found this very blessed site in Nov of 2000, and DD was March 17 2000 for me. So I had no info the whole time. No support from anyone (except mom). She was the only one who could understand. Can not just get over it. Find someone else. Move on. He is A------. We really do not want others to think that of them. We might, but in our Heart they could do no wrong. In fact we can hardly believe it is true, even though it is going on right under our nose. PRAY PLAN A .<P><BR> 1 million hugs to you. You do not deserve this. Your H knows that. That is why they get the mean and nastys. If H says some stupid not true thing to you, just laugh it off. (cry later) My H agrees to do this as he was WS.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Deb

The OW came into my life appox. nov 99. Her second husband left her in xmas of 98. She has 2 kids, 18 and 7. The older is a wayward pierced body smart alec, run over his mother type. My husband some how felt God called him to MENTOR to him.. Guess he doesn't know what that means. Anyway, she and my husband exchanged services. We needed a babysitter/house cleaner and she needed a man to do man things around her house. So, he would go to her house with our kids and hang out and do man things while I could have time to myself. <P>She all of a sudden became and instant presence in our life. Every weekend. She stayed over nights while we went out. She cooked, cleaned, ironed my H's shirts, ALice if you will. I felt weird, but I couldn't understand why..<P>In May of 2000, i discovered a purchase on a credit card receipt, ripped up in the garbage , for a gas grill. Well, H lied about it and she confirmed the lie and that's when the RED FLAG really went up. I started following him and sure enough, he was lying about where he was. He was there with her and sometimes with her kids. Picking her daughter up from school, all this stuff a father does for his own family, NOT SOMEBODY ELES'S FAMILY. I<P>I confronted him and asked him to end his "friendship" with her and he said NO. I told him to contact my lawyer and HE BLEW UP!<P>He went on and on about HOW DARE I TELL him who could be his friends. It progressively, got worse, She ended up coming to our vacation spot. He spent all his time with her and her family with my kids while I wathced in horror. (we have been going to this place for 3o+ years, and WE MET HERE).<P>We went to counseling for 3x's and he was still seeing her and I asked him to leave the house and not call me or the KIDS. FREAK OUT HE DID. The was the beginning of the end. <P>He then didn't care what he did, when he did it. He was gone every weekend from the end of sept. thru end of Nov. He hunts. He took the kids 2x's and SHE was there. I freaked out and wouldn't let him take the kids anywhere. He missed his D 5th Bday because he was busy with his stufff. You know what it is like to tell you D that Daddy isn't here because he is a selfish B*****. I sang and opened presents with her and the other kids. <P>Basically, about 2 weeks ago, I was away for the weekend and he brought her to our home while my kids were her. The spent the weekend playing house. Shopping, dinner, cleaning, etc.<P>I found out from my kids and i went crazy. I threatned that if he ever brought her to MY HOME again, I would stop mediationa and take him to court immediately.<P>I told him that it wasn't fair to the kids to put them in the midddle of their relationship and he FInally agreed. Anyway, he said he broke it off with her for the kids. <P>I told him she was not going to just walk out of his life. She wants to marry him and HE AGREED that she does. <P>He still disappears at night until 3 am or so. Says he is out discussing his situation with friends. Men who are D. I don't believe him. He is a fantastic liar.<P>The interesting thing is NOW this older gentleman that he knows, has a widowed 35 year old daughter and family who lives next door in a side by side house and that's where my H is taking my kids now. To this new woman's house. I asked him if he was having an A with her. He said NO.<P>What a Wacko! I think father hood threw him over the edge of the cliff.<P>Thanks