I spoke with Steve Harley this a.m. He recommended seeing a lawyer and filing for legal separation because of the business H and I own together. H is squandering money in corporate acct. on OW, car, personal checks, checks to cash, using it to pay his rent and his bills, who knows what else. H is alcoholic/drug addict who was in recovery for almost 10 yrs until a little over a year ago, who now claims to have figured out how to drink moderately. He, 48, is living 22 yr old ex-employee. I am in Plan B. H never comes to work except 1-2 times/wk. for 5-30 minutes. Lawyer recommends taking over control of business myself. Ironically, this has been H's biggest fear. H can be very verbally abusive and I'm scared of confrontation with him. Lawyer, who says he counseled addicts for many years, thinks I need to "hit H over the head with a 2X4" to wake him up, meaning, file for divorce not legal separation, cut him off completely from corporate money, and make him get a lawyer to fight for what's his, which lawyer says he probably won't be able to pull off since he's abusing alcohol and drugs. Divorce takes 6 mos. in this state. I am so ignorant of our financial situation and already a basket case from the affair and now I'm being confronted with all these major decisions and more responsibility than I've had to deal with before. I think I'm more comfortable with legal separation, closing corporate and payroll accts and reopening them in my name only, cancelling credit cards, and learning how to do billing myself (H does it now from computer in our house - we have medical business and are govt. funded). I have to do all this tomorrow, file on Friday. Eek!

Letstry -<P>Hey - take a really big breath and a big cup of courage. I can't say I've been in a postion where I own and business and have to go through this, but I think you should do what is most comfortable - separation. also, you need to ask your lawyer whether or not you have a strong case to stand in court over your H fiscal irresponsibility. Also, in case you didn't know this, your H has a protected status as a recovering drug addict/alcoholic - so be very careful how you tread on that information, he could cry discrimination based on the Americans with Disabilities Act (I know that sounds weird, but I promise it's true!) But, be sure to talk to your lawyer about this. If he's still current abusing drugs and not in a recovery program, you won't need to worry about that. Also, if you have any friends that are office manager's or know of a reliable tempo service, you could hire someone to do billing for you until you learn how to do it or feel a bit more calm.<P>Let me know if this helps!<BR>Vee

Thanks Vee, <BR>As you obviously can tell, I'm really spun. My H is not currently in a recovery program, in fact, he "renounced" his alcoholism and says he's now able to drink "normally." But, he's VERY touchy about any suggestion he's abusing alcohol or using drugs, so your concern may be well founded. I try to only repeat his own words about his drug and alcohol use (he says he drinks 1-2 beers at a time, not daily, and smokes a hit of pot to go to sleep sometimes) it's other people who know him or know his behavior, or who have personal experience with alcoholism and drug addiction who scoff at this explanation.<P>And, yes, there are billing services, we could train our bookkeeper, etc. Actually, it may not be that difficult to do it myself, I'll see.

Lets -<P>I'm glad that helped! I see taking that Fair Housing & ADA Seminar helped someone out! If he's touchy about it, someone could very well put him in touch with an attorney that is out to prove a point or make a name for him/herself. It's hard enough to deal with the affair on top of trying to run a business. Heck, I can't even get in a mood to clean my house. It'll stay dirty until he cleans it I suppose. I'll wash dishes but I'm not cooking or cleaning up. We just won't have any visitors for a week or so! <P>Let me know how it works out.<BR>Vee

Vee, <BR>Thanks again. Hopefully, if I just stick with his own story, don't go with my suspicions or the stories I hear, he won't have any case against me. <P>I posted on your thread. My H has many similar traits as far as his choice of OW.

Hi,<BR>Just read this now. Please do what you need to to protect yourself. If you feel like legal seperation will do that and you will feel more comfortable with it then go for it.<P>Look at all the opportunity for personal growth you have. You get to learn more about business and about relationships. Maybe I am being a little sarcastic, but I pray in the long run it will be a learning and growing experience and you will come out of it stonger and happy with yourself.<P>Just take it one step at a time, get help when you need it, know you are doing things for the right reasons and dont let your H attack you for it.<BR>Lora

Lora,<BR>I e-mailed you so you get to read this story twice. Fact is, my H will attack me. I have to try not to respond to it and not to let it bother me. He controls me with his rage. He is able to make me feel, not that I do things out of spite, though that's usually his initial accusation, but that I'm naive and easily led astray by people who are trying to use me. <P>Even though you say you were being sarcastic, I agree that those are true benefits. I've felt intimidated by all the administrative stuff up until now. I always felt H actually put much more into the business than I did. I was co-owner, but really more like a glorified employee.

Protection is important in Plan A <B>and</B> Plan B!<P>Steve was right!<P>I'd take it a step further...<BR>Get yourself a micro-tape recorder and put it in your purse or wherever...<P>You can get an attachment for hooking it up to a phone as well...<BR>...so when he calls you can get the facts.<P>Go for the separation...<BR>...not the divorce.<P> <P>Jim

Lets -<BR>I know this sounds cruel to some of the men on the board (so guys please don't take offense! ) But it seems like sometimes, men try to make you feel like the guilty party. Don't let him put that back on you. Take comfort in knowing that you're doing what's best and he's still trapped in the fog. <P>Good luck! - I posted on the other thread about the similarty issues!

Lets,<BR>Check out <A HREF="http://www.drirene.com" TARGET=_blank>www.drirene.com</A> It's about verbal abuse issues. Maybe it can help you deal with the confrontation part. Good luck!<BR>Jackie<p>[This message has been edited by mrsbumber (edited February 22, 2001).]

Thanks everyone,<BR>Jim, <BR>The micro recorder is a good idea. Many is the time I've wished I had a recording of my H since he probably doesn't realize how ugly he sounds. <P>I'm filing for legal separation, not divorce.<P>Vee,<BR>I don't know if that comment is true of all men, but it's certainly true of my H! Thanks for the reassurance that I'm doing the right thing. I seem to get stuck in this victim mentality and need reassurance from everyone before taking any kind of action that involves my H since I know he will use the tactic of trying to make me feel guilty, because it usually works.<P>Jackie,<BR>Thanks for the suggestion. I actually posted some on Dr. Irene's site during the fall when H was being so verbally abusive. The constant abuse stopped when he moved out. My H got onto that site and posted a nasty letter signed "Tommy" that got a lot of hot responses. I was too embarassed to write anymore and admit it was my H. Also afraid he might go back there. He never did. Didn't even see all the furor he created.