Thanks for all your replys to my last post regarding blame. You all made alot of good points...He has already said to me that he accepts blame for the rotten choice he made, I just have to realize that whatever was happening in our marriage was both of our faults, but he did have other choices. A hard thing for me to do since I feel guilty about everything...and I have never been a part of some thing that has hurt a person so much, especially me. and I think thats where I'm stuck. I had a part in hurting myself.<BR>So as I read all the responses about the blame issue, another thought starts going thru my mind...is it possible to forgive him for doing the one thing I said I would never accept from another person.It also angers me that he always responded that I would never leave him because of this. I know it sounds petty, it angers me that he is right. He knew I had been thru it before and yes I was much younger so it may have been on a much smaller scale, but I can't believe that the pain could be even worse that it was(I guess it feels worse because promises of vows weren't made in that relationship)...Anyway, will I be able to ever forgive him of this? I sit here and think that "if only he hadn't gotten her pregnant." See, I really love my H and if I'm really honest here, I sometimes say"Yes, he made a bad choice, and he is doing all the right things here," (and he is!) and I really think that my love for him would have helped me to go and use the coping mechanisms I have from the first time it happened and my struggles with anorexia and past depression to get over the affair. It wouldn't have been easy and would take as long and be just as emotional, but I feel there is a constant reminder of the affair. In a way, there will never be any "closure" to all this. Does that make any sense? The money going out, the reminder of what happened at a time of my life that was to be the best(me being pregnant with our first son)I'm still so angry at the things that were taken away by them. But just last night, I woke up in the early am (he is away on a business trip, which in itself are hard times for me because thats when he was with her)I looked at his side of his bed, and felt so empty, I missed him being there.<P>So my question today is, when there are such strong conflicting feelings, the need to forgive to move ahead, and the desire for him along with the anger of what he brought into our lives, how do I find it in my heart to push all the ugliness aside? It will always be in my life, but how do I get back to him?<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Not Giving Up (edited February 22, 2001).]

Oh my, do I understand your struggle.<P>I know you've probably heard it a thousand times before, but forgiveness is a CHOICE and a DECISION. I used to always think it would be a feeling, but now I know better. Oh, and you sometimes will forgive for your SELF and not for the benefit of the other person...you have to forgive so that YOU can feel better!<P>I only very recently made the decision to forgive and I am not even always happy about it. I even know the benefits of forgiveness because I have had to do it before. The pressures of the world will lift away and you will feel free-er to move forward in whatever direction you chose. But again, it is a choice and a decision. Once you make the choice to forgive, you have to make the decision to follow through...that becomes your new strength.<P>I hope this helps and I certainly understand the back and forth of your feelings. Hang in there.<P>-LL

God Bless you for your heart, patience and strength. You should be so proud of yourself for what you have accomplished so far. <P>As I read you post it hit me that you obviously have the ability to go forward.<P>I agree with the last post.. that forgiveness is key and God knows that that is hard.<P>Focus on the good he is doing. For every bad thing that comes to you, look at the good things. <P>I am not a real religious person, somewhat spiritual, but I pray every day for the strength to forgive and have the wisdom to make good choices. May God grant you that.<P>K

Learning Life:as a matter of fact I was just on a website which stated the same thing! Although I do understand what you are saying, it is so hard NOT to feel after making the decision to move ahead. The other night when I felt so empty when looking at the empty bed, I also had a fleeting thought that he had gone for good and I got really scared. I guess your right, once you forgive you need to follow thru. It just hurts so much for me because I eqate forgiving with the acceptance of what he did.<BR>Karl: Thanks for the Prayers. I do really try to see the good things. I took off my wedding bands a long time ago. When he asked why I said it was because the vows were not therte for me anymore. I said it bothered me when he touched me wearing his knowing it touched her too. He then took his off. Then he was leaving for a trip 2 weeks ago and I just stood by the door. He called me to see if I was okay, and I said it bothered me that he wasn't wearing it on the trip. This past trip he wore it. He put it on his dresser the night before so he wouldn't forget. I realized then that he IS listening to me and trying the best he can to do even the smallest of things. I go back and read this and laugh thinking I must be driving him crazy! Thanks again for the support. I usually feel that I don't have the ability to move on. It's good to hear that someone sees it!

TO NGU<P>Part of forgiving is having peace with yourself, healing yourself. What a lot of people don't realize is that an A can wear you down. Some maybe able to get over an A okay, but when you add a OC that was born out of this A it throws you for a bigger loop. <P>If you want your marriage to work and you and your H is willing to work at it, then there will be forgiveness in time. The road to forgiving is long, the hills are hard, very hard to climb. I would sometime take two steps forward and one back, asking myself what do I want. Not my H, but me.<P>I learned to forgive, by my H asking for forgiveness and his willingness to work and make things right.<P>It has been about 18 months and we have pass the forgiveness stage. OW does not understand that I can be the best thing that happens to the OC's--2 boys.<P>I had put Christ first in my life before this happen, so that has helped me to understand things.<P>NGU heal yourself first, then when you feel that you are strong, move on.<BR>ITS

NGU<P>It has been a long time since I have written here. I don't have anything new, but uneasiness about the situation I created by asking h to move out. At first I thought it had made an impact on him, and now he doesn't call for a week at a time. He was in LA last week for a trip home, and he did not call us at all for a week! I mentioned it this AM when I called to deliver his messages. He said he "was busy." I know his mom is difficult, but I bet the calls weren't forgotten to the bimbo!<P>About forgiveness. As unusual as it seems, I have forgiven my H nearly every day of this thing. It has never made a difference to him, and he has never even tried to give up the ow. Maybe your reaction was more productive. Your H wants to make up. Mine doesn't even think about it.<P>But really. I think you are on your way now. Even thinking about forgiving is the shortest route there. Since it is new for you, it still may seem unobtainable. But it isn't. His perseverence will pay off. It has made miniscule changes in your demeanor already. You barely notice them, but we see them prettty clearly. You are making progress. You are moving in the right direction. However slow, you are not at a standstill. <P>Be careful, though. Please know that his gift may not last. Your H may give up again on you, this time may be the last time. It sounds harsh, but it is a possible reality. He may get to the point that he feels that he has done all he can. But if you continue to bring him in on your feelings every day, and show him that you are making an honest effort, he will continue to try his best. But keep making those strides.<P>The last thing I want to say is in reguards to the statement that if you forgive him then you accept what he did. That is just NOT true! He already knows he did wrong and you have every right to always believe that for the fact it is. It was wrong. You never need to accept what he did as okay. But what you do need to do is forgive him, really. Give your pain to God. It is in the past, his past behavior and outcome cannot be changed, but how you view it and reguard it can. <B>"It is just a thought, and a thought can be changed." (from my inspriational cards.) </B><P>But without his EN's being met right now, only time will tell how long his efforts may last. <P>Fears of fatherhood, and life-change and heavy responsibility may be the cause of his A in the first place, but fears of a life without love, and the constant fight to make those efforts may send him off again. I don't want to see it. It would be terrible if you finally made up your mind to give yourself again, and it was too late. Keep trying!! <P>You really have come so much farther than you think. Hang in there!! I'll keep checking on ya...<P>Beth <P>If you want to think about someone, pray for me! <P>