I have been in plan b for about four weeks. I am doing the best that I can. We do have minimal contact due to our children but it is mostly about about them. I do not call him and when he calls here he only speaks to the children. When we see each other in person we are friendly. We are sticking to a visitation schedule and so far he is giving me the agreed upon amount for support.<P>I have found out that he is angry about many aspects of this arrangement. He doesn't like the fact that he doesn't have a key to the house, that he has very little money left over after he contributes to our household bills. He feels like he doesn't get to spend enough time with the boys.<P>His thoughts are just unreasonable!! What did he expect? Did he think he could just keep coming and going as he pleased, that the kids and I should suffer financially just because he doesn't want to work on our marriage.<P>I chalk his attitude up to withdrawal as ow wont see him anymore, mid life crisis since he's so unhappy and doesnt know why and just having to face reality.<P>The sad thing is he doesn't even see it as reality and that this is what life would be like should we divorce. He just sees it as me being unfair by needing so much financially and spending more time with the kids. What did he expect, they live here, this is their home. He has a one bedroom apt. And as for the finances, he helped create our bills so he should pay half, too bad if he doesn't have enough to live on.<P>Do I just wait this out? Plan b is working for me as my emotions are on a much more even keel now that he doesn't come and go and divorce is actually starting to look appealing. <P>Help, is this normal?<P>

hoping - I'm in a similar situation, although still in Plan A. I know, they want it both ways. An example of how twisted their brains are. "What did you expect" is a tempting comeback, but in my experience, I've found she just turns it around on me and makes me the bad guy. So I try to avoid these LBs. But in Plan B, I think you have to stick to your guns. Be firm, but not vengeful. I recommend you try to conduct your encounters in a business-like fashion with as little emotion from you as possible. You play the role, you pay the toll.<P>WAT

Hoping, I'm also in plan B, only 2 weeks. My H and I have had no contact. He doesn't even see or call kids (they're his sister's kids and we're their legal guardians), doesn't see or call his family, and doesn't come to work or call (we own and run a business together). He is spending company money (though I've seen a lawyer and plan to put a stop to this) and expects me to live on a small paycheck - I think since I have the house, he figures that makes it even. <P>I don't think reasonableness or our or kids best interest is a top priority for them right now...<P>WAT, My H also turns everything around on me to make me feel guilty, even if I don't LB. He seems to need to keep justifying his own guilt by rewriting history to come up with more and more "evil" things I've done to him during the 19 yrs I've put up with his substance abuse, loss of professional license, unemployment, and general insecurity. Now we finally "made it" and he's unhappy and runs away. Can't figure it out. Yes, I'm a little bitter.

Hi Hoping,<BR>You don't say how you found out he is angry. I don't think that you setting him straight on reality will sink in. So, I am wondering if the person who told you this is male or has a husband who speaks to your H if you could somehow persuade that guy to say those words to your H. "Hey H, it sounds like how divorce is--no money, and you don't see your kids like you'd like." Even "You moved out a long time ago, I think your wife was pretty understanding to let the situation go on as long as she did. Your decision has led to this outcome."<P>We were fortunate at the point I went to "as if divorce" that Guard also began to go alone to our counselor. The counselor did say this type of thing to him, pointing out that H's decisions had created consequences. <P>You kept the consequences from your H for a long time, and that's ok, it was how you felt you could handle the situation, but he did "have his cake and eat it". And now he's not having cake at all. Of course he isn't going to like it.<P>My advice is to stay the course. It sounds like you are feeling better without the nightly wrenching goodbyes as he leaves for parts unknown.<P>Take care<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8

Yes, this is normal. My stbx quit her well paying job and got a job as a waitress so she could spend more time with OM (or the kids, if you listen to her, but that is another story). Then she cries the blues about not having any money.<P>Of course, she hasn't paid any child support in 9 months.<P>But the big thing for her is the kids. She says that she wants to spend time with them, and then works when they are with her. Remember, she is a waitress, so picking her days off should not be a problem.<P>She seems to think that she is the only one that misses the children. Sorry, honey, but this is a zero sum game. We can't clone the children. I am sorry that my maximizing my time with them means that your time is minimized. But you are the one that wanted this.<P>The terribly sad part about all of this is that I see our son slipping away from her. He used to worship the ground she walked on. Now he doesn't want to see her. He literally cheers when he does not have to go up there. He has taken to calling my new partner mom. How very sad.

Make no mistake about it, this is Plan B doing exactly what Plan B is meant to do, give a reality check! He's just not ready to admit he's caused his own problems. It is easier to blame you. It's the same kind of thing they do in the midst of the affair. We have a million different negative qualities that OP just outshines us. In Plan B we're mean and unfair. Some WS are more stubborn and obtuse and have bigger egos than others. Some figure out really fast that their behaviors have consequences,some play the blame game a lot longer. Bottom line is that when you play you pay. I guess there might be some that can never admit that to themselves or that simply won't admit to themselves that they caused their own mess and can fix it if they so chose.<P>He's mad, so what? He has a choice,he can change his circumstances if he so choses. Anger can be very manipulative,he might think if he appears unhappy enough, someone might do something to make things a little easier for him. That is not your job right now. This is something he can and has to fix himself if your marriage ever stands the chance of recovering from all of this.Recovery is a very hard thing under the best of circumstances. You want to move to recovery knowing he figured it out on his own and was able to admit he did something very wrong and has the desire to fix it,you don't want to move to recovery because you felt badly for his misery and asked him to come back.Be strong! Give him time,he's got a lot to swallow. Remain objective and fill your days taking care of yourself and the kids for that is what needs to be done. Place the rest in God's hands (He's the only one that can change things) and pray for your H and that he will soon be ready to accept what he's brought into his life and that he'll have the strength and courage to make things right.<BR>

Thanks for all the replies.<P>I guess it is normal plan b behavior. <P>Lor, I found out some of this from my sister in law and also from him. I received a credit card statement that had chrges of his on it and I called him on it. We got into a huge argument as I told him not to use the credit card. <P>I am keeping our contact in person on a friendly business like manner. It only revolves around the kids events and visitation<P>The first of the month is coming and I know he doesn't have enough to pay his rent. In my opinion he should find someone to borrow from and start looking for a cheaper apt. but I am afraid he will probably want money from our savings or write a check without telling me and then I wont have enough to pay the bills. <P>Anyway, plan b is keeping me on a much more even keel emotionally for the most part as I don't have to deal with the coming and going any longer. I don't have to wonder if he is coming here after work.<P>Thanks again for being here for me.

My x did/does the same thing. She complains she doesn't have enough money, that she doesn't make what I do and can make which is true. She doesn't see that all the decisions we made in the past as a family effect me now. The house, and where and how we live. I guess I could sell the house and move to a smaller/cheaper place, but is that fair to my kids. I am doing okay, but it is strictly paycheck to paycheck.<P>I let her make CS payments based on her part time salary of 1998. She now works full time(works 36 gets paid for 40) and even works extra. She works 12 hr shifts so she misses most of the kids things.<P>I am considering asking for increase. I have gotten 1% increases the past two years, while she has enjoyed at least a 13% from 98 to 99 plus she has om/h to depend upon plus I think his mother sends them on trips. I am not sure what she made in 00.

Hoping,<P>A little bit of a sidetrack here but it will definitely help in the long run.<P>I suggest you keep a notebook/calendar of everything that happens. When he visits, when he says he will & doesnÕt. Make a copy of any checks he gives you & what it was for.<BR>Document, document, document EVERYTHING!<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>