Last night in checking my e-mail, I found a notice from a service provider about a potential new e-mail account that I did not know about, so I e-mailed my H the following:<P>This message came in the mail for you and of course, it is very scary to me.<BR>What did you use this for? Please be honest. What other accounts do you<BR>have? Can I have all of your e-mail accounts, logins, and passwords,<BR>please...excite, yahoo, hotmail, go, etc.....<BR>I would like the login and password for this new unknown account, please. I<BR>would also appreciate it if you would not check it before I do. Please<BR>allow me this, if there are old things I will try not to be upset.<BR>Thank you.<P>In response I got this:<P>This is seemingly futile, but here goes. I do not have a "secret account"<BR>with Go.com. If I were to establish a secret account for the purposes of<BR>hiding stuff from you, I certainly wouldn't list our shared email address<BR>for a permanent address anyway. <P>ESPN (part of the GO Networks family) has a fantasy tracking services that<BR>you must be registered with to use. I registered and that is why I got the<BR>email. The message does not say that I have an email account. It is a form<BR>letter that is sent to everyone who has ever registered for any service on<BR>GO's family of sites.<P>I have already given you the login and password of my only "secret" email<BR>account. If you have looked at it in the last two months you've checked it<BR>more than I.<P>Here is the deal, LL. If I want to have an affair, there is nothing<BR>you can do to stop me. I could have 30 different email addresses and<BR>passwords and you could not know about any of them. If there is a chance of<BR>this working, YOU have to simply take on faith that I want to be here. I<BR>can't even PROVE that I don't have any other email accounts. There is<BR>nothing more I can do on this front.<P>To which I responded (after a conversation on the phone about his conviction in wanting to work things out):<P>I think you and I are clear on this. Yes, I know you could be having an affair if you simply want to and that you are very capable of hiding it. That is actually the entire point. The more open you are about being willing to share this information in a non defensive or non accusatory way with me, the more you will increase my faith. Think about it, the past dictates to me that if you are hiding something, you will say something that will turn the situation around on me...make it my trust issue, or my insecurity issue, or that you will point out "if I were doing this, don't you think I'd be smart enough to blah blah blah". That is what you are doing now. You are being defensive. Just because you say "if this, then that" doesn't mean that you aren't doing exactly what you say you aren't anyway!! You do not seem willing to let go and be one with me and understand the effect of your previous actions on me. You must demonstrate by being open, honest, non-defensive, and above all understanding that I know at any moment you could be lying to me, even if I trust you. You must demonstrate, not talk. Logic doesn't work, empathy and compassion do.<P>Right now I am actually feeling a little love and also a little bit sorry for you. I feel so right in my philosophy that I hope you can see how you hinder yourself.<P>Love, LL<P>I am LBing or something? Am I wrong in the way I am thinking? I am so frustrated for two reasons. One, he stated that he wanted to work things out and started by having a date but I just wasn't overwhelmingly receptive and I think that turned him off. I told him that if he were serious about wanting to work things out that he would have more conviction and not be giving up so quickly. I feel like he is just going through the motions and that he doesn't really have any interest other than being able to say that he "tried" for the sake of the kids.<P>Two, I am not "receptive" right now and can't give him a lot of positive feedback. I am simply dead and am just trying to be polite and kind. I suggested that one of us needs to be the leader and that should be him if he is truly committed to working things out.<P>Maybe he is just not really ready.<P>Help!! -LL

I think your concern is very natural. And, he should (and it seems has) given you his email password. <P>You know, he is right that he could have endless secret email accounts if he wished to. And, if I were to open a secret account, I would not list a joint one on it...that would be dumb. So, I'd venture that he is likely telling you the truth. No guarantees, but that's life <P>I know that it is hard to trust him, he kinda goofed that one up once already, didn't he? But, not trusting him is simply a way of trying to control the future, and it doesn't really work...not trusting him doesn't guarantee he will be "good." Being in-love with you does...well, anyway at least as close to a guarantee as life comes with.<P>Try and focus on the fact that he DOES want to be with you, and worry a little less. Do explain that you are trying to trust him, but that it is hard at times...he does need to give you reassurances at times. But, the best one really is "this is where I WANT to be."<P>Hang in there--<P>Kathi

Perhaps a simpler note asking him about this would have been better. To me, an outsider, it sounds very accusatory, and even when someone has nothing to hide, accusations can make them defensive. Keep in mind, I am on your side of the infidelity fence (betrayed).<P>Something more like this might have gotten a better response, particularly since it is apparent from his response that you have already discussed the issue of access to his email accounts, etc.:<P>"This message came in email for you. I am wondering what it is about ... as you might expect, it makes me a little nervous."<P>No more than that. PLEASE understand that I am not trying to be mean in any way. I am only expressing what your message made me feel as I read through it. Give him the opportunity to come clean without the accusations. Your email message to him was full of demands and accusations. Granted, he is the one that did wrong, but you will not help the recovery process unless you can back off just a bit.<P>LL, you have to decide if you want your husband or you don't. If you do, you will have to find a way to communicate with him that is not accusatory and demanding. It is the old "more flies with honey" thing. You are pushing him away from you, and from the sound of his reply, this might be a pattern? I don't know this, of course, I can only guess from the line, "This is seemingly futile, but here goes."<P>If this has been a pattern of communication between you, then it is likely that it is why he decided that separation might be best. Again, I don't say this to be mean, just an observation from an outsider. I realize that you are not feeling very good about him at this point - but if you have any hopes for reconciliation, the work must be done by both of you.<P>Oh ... one other thing I wanted to mention. Please don't assume that he was "turned off" by your less than enthusiastic response to the date. The thing that creates the most difficulty between married couples is communication issues... He could as easily have been angry with himself that his affair hurt you so much that you cannot enjoy being with him.<P>I hope you will take this message in the spirit in which it is intended: helpful, hopeful and unbiased.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

terri,<P>your message was received in good spirits. I was looking for criticism and received from you an opion that was very worth while...nothing mean was read into your response ;-)<P>THANK YOU....I'm still chewing on your post.

LL,<P>I do not know a great deal of your story but, everything he told you sounds like it's on the up and up. Maybe a little defencive..but true. <P>Trust is a hard beastie to contain or put your arms around. In my book as BS, being proved wrong when I have those "Oh No" attacks are one of the best trust builders. In the beginning of most relationships (friend, business, and love) trust is given a small portion at a time and is built upon doing what they say or saying what they do. When a new person in your life can match their actions/words consistently, we tend to allow them a greater portion of our trust. Eventually this matching track record allows us to understand that this person is real. Then some of the people in our life stall out at this point and never go any further. Something about them just will not allow us to give them the next step in the trust ladder. I think that step is the "Do I trust this person with my deepest thoughts. The next level would be "Do I trust this person with my life/child". Then the final one would be "Do I trust this person to care for my heart and soul" and this is the level that we are had pulled out from under us.<P>I see the mind bender for us is that most reconciliation attempts unnaturally progress us from the lowest level (none, who is this person) to life/child or possibly heart/soul. It's just not how most of us work. Think about how unnatural it would sound to you if a new person at your work offered to watch your child or home while you where away. Just doesn't fit. Maybe the dog or my mail. Like I said tough one to put your arms around. <P>I do have a solution for you to put you mind at ease on this go.com thing. Ask him what service he signed up for and then duplicate the process to see if you too get emails from go.com. Not sure fire if it was a timed promotional email but could give you a little more data to base your final lie/no lie decision on.<P>I'd ask that person in question rather than email. It's much harder to hide a lie in person than it is in an email.<P><BR>