I have been reading several posts and am surprised at people's situation. Mine is similiar, but different.<P>I am going to include an exerpt of a chat I had with my wife for you to view and determine what is wrong - with me or her. It will be at after I explain what happened.<P>She left for a 3 week business trip and during that time had a supposedly one night affair. There was no sexual intercourse (she says) and that she would not let that happen.<BR>Regardless of the fact, she did want it and even initiated sexual contact again later in the evening with him. When returning home she was upset that he hadn't emailed her so she emailed him. She even gave him our home phone. We have since gotten alot of hangup phone calls. I'm not sure if she answers and talks to him when I'm not here or not. It's ironic though.<P>She says she has come clean and is willing to try to get her love back after a month of saying it was over and wanting a divorce. My problem is obviously the big three - trust, faith and respect. All are at ground zero due to her telling me bits and pieces of her affair slowy over two weeks. This after pressing her over and over - I just knew you could say. <P>I have asked her to send a final email to him so that I can begin to trust her. She says no. I asked her to get tested for any STD's. She says no. I finally gave in and broke her email account by guessing the password. There were no messages thankfully.<P>I felt horrible for doing this as I wasn't be honest. I informed her of it later in the day when we were chatting. She was visiting her sister for the weekend. After informing her and apologizing - she called me a xxxxxxx. She was furious and blamed me for not trusting her. You can read the chat below because I think it'll give you insight.<P>My question for you is: how can I be a stronger person and trust in her. Likewise, how can I make her a stonger person and trust in me?<P><BR>Skiparella says:<BR>did you watch a movie tonight?<BR>C&T says:<BR>No, I slept from 7-10<BR>Skiparella says:<BR>you beat me I only slept from 6-8<BR>C&T says:<BR>Laugh Laugh<BR>Skiparella says:<BR>do you have anything else you want to talk about?<BR>C&T says:<BR>You made me laugh - thanks<BR>C&T says:<BR>yes<BR>Skiparella says:<BR>what?<BR>Skiparella says:<BR>were you in a bad mood today??<BR>C&T says:<BR>No, but since you've been gone I've been fighting alot of bad thoughts.<BR>Skiparella says:<BR>what kind of bad thoughts??<BR>C&T says:<BR>Thoughts like you are just playing me out.<BR>Skiparella says:<BR>i am not up because of anything to do with our marriage, I am here because of fairness<BR>C&T says:<BR>What do you mean?<BR>Skiparella says:<BR>I am not just playing you out and you know it!<BR>C&T says:<BR>Ok<BR>C&T says:<BR>I was ready to send this, but was interrupted. It'll be in my next message<BR>C&T says:<BR>I did something today that I am not happy with at all!<BR>Skiparella says:<BR>I mean that my sister has alway made an effort to visit down there when no one else even gives a damn<BR>Skiparella says:<BR>What did you do? visit porn??<BR>C&T says:<BR>I'm not angry at you for leaving at all - I know why you left. I just got to thinking about the past and making assumptions.<BR>C&T says:<BR>No, I did not visit porn<BR>C&T says:<BR>I guessed your password and got into your email account - I'm sorry<BR>Skiparella says:<BR>You are a complete [censored], I alaways told you that you could figure out my password if you really wanted to but this is completely stupid of you! How do you expect me to trust you, you IDIOT, when you keep doing things like this!<BR>C&T says:<BR>We both don't trust each other<BR>Skiparella says:<BR>yeah and that is going to get this marriage really far!<BR>C&T says:<BR>I realize you are upset. But, I want to trust you. You wanting privacy only makes me think you could care less. If you flip it around, me opening your email account is doing the same thing to you that you are to me.<BR>Skiparella says:<BR>YOu aren't even making an effort at getting my trust back for you because you keep breaking the bond over and over<BR>C&T says:<BR>How<BR>Skiparella says:<BR>I don't necessarily want privacy, but I want things of my own, I don't want to lose myself as a person because that is what was happening before and it was driving me crazy<BR>Skiparella says:<BR>I haven't done anything against your trust since the Monday after I got back from MX<BR>C&T says:<BR>It isn't easy dealing with the situation in Mexico. What would you feel like. I have tried my best, but I have sometimes failed in handling it.<BR>Skiparella says:<BR>try to be a stronger person because like our old anger this mistrust is going to eat away<BR>C&T says:<BR>Yes, I told the counselor about it and he said big deal - so she has a seperate email account<BR>Skiparella says:<BR>Most people do<BR>C&T says:<BR>By praying to God throughout the day I've been able to be strong. When you left for the weekend - it was hard.<BR>Skiparella says:<BR>you don't listen to all of my phone converations, it is the same deal<BR>C&T says:<BR>What do you mean by phone conversations<BR>Skiparella says:<BR>why do you get weak when i leave you are just using it as a poor excuse<BR>Skiparella says:<BR>phone=email<BR>C&T says:<BR>when you are near me I am strong. I even get alittle weaker just going to work. It has gotten better and has the counseler says - time is necessary.<BR>Skiparella says:<BR>our marriage is never going to work if you can't be strong within yourself<BR>C&T says:<BR>I realize that - definetly. Most of the books I've read point to that too.<BR>Skiparella says:<BR>I'll be back I am getting a glass of water<BR>C&T says:<BR>But - Charity don't say it's all me. I could start pointing the finger at you and say our marriage isn't going to work since you don't want to go to counseling, but I don't. Instead I have been strong and have been doing this on my own.<BR>Skiparella says:<BR>i am not even coming close to saying it is all you<BR>C&T says:<BR>In regards to being strong - you wouldn't believe the comments from the letters read last night. These people have their phone traced, investigators, etc. They really snoop! I think I've been somewhat strong in resisting those temptations and instead asking you. The exception was today. <BR>Skiparella says:<BR>do whatever the hell you want and point the finger all you want I don't counsel right now bcause I don't fell that would help the situation i am in<BR>C&T says:<BR>I'm sorry, it was wrong for me to shift the blame on you.<P>

Don't feel bad I did the same thing when my wife left. I got stronger as time went by. Don't let your imagination or curiosity eat at you. Just focus on the present and making things work and only use the past as a learning tool. Just keep making it look good to her to come back and until she decideds to do that you just have to be hopeful. Until she comes out of the fog she will say things taht will upset you and think very irationally. Just keep your chin up and remain positive. My prayers and sympathy are with you. Lets hope both our wives will come out of the fog soon.

The reason you have trouble regaining trust<BR>and respect is because your wife refuses to<BR>do the things that would regain your trust.<BR>On another matter it seems highly unlikely that she did not have intercourse with him.<BR>Reread your message and I think that it would seem unreasonable to believe that she did not. It would also seem unreasonable to believe that she did not engage in oral sex with him. It is quite common today for people to pick various serious sexual diseases through oral sex alone. It is totally unacceptable for her not to be tested for<BR>STD's. You know that she has lied and cheated on you previously. Why would you put your health at risk based on her word. She is clearly self centered and disrespectful of your feelings and concerns. I would not initiate any type of sex with her until she is tested. I believe that this is a deal breaker. On another board a wife recently had to confess to her husband that she contacted genital gonorrhea because of her affair and was forced to tell him because he had to have shots otherwise she said that she would not have told him.<BR>The conversation in your message implies that your wife is not remorseful and turns things around on you. It is also clear that she is showing very little respect for you. She will not be tested, she will not go for counseling and shows very little remorse. It is fair to assume that the chances are great in the future she will have another affair.<BR>What do you really have here? It does not sound like much of a marriage.

No, you probably should not have broken her password. Yes, I tried to do it myself at one time...it's pretty irresistable. Really, what you found or didn't find signifies nothing...if she wanted to be sneaky, she would probably just open a new secret email account anyway. And, telling her you'd done it via chat was probably not the best timing...such discussions often come off better face to face.<P>Your wife is being a bit defensive, and this is feeding your fears. Ideally, she should be more open & forthcoming, but often they are not. Could be that she is continuing to hide something, but could also be that she is simply trying to convince herself that she IS trustworthy and it's your fault that you don't trust her. You really have no way of knowing at this point. Tough, I know.<P>Keep in mind that the fact that she told you about what happened on the business trip is good...she did not have to do that, and if she had plans to continue misbehaving, she would probably not have done so. <P>Have you read "Surviving an Affair"? Or the info on the site abt recovering from an affair? Really sounds to me like you need to focus on rebuilding the basics of your marriage, and SAA lays out a good plan for doing so.<P>Good luck--<P>Kathi

Thanks for the replies to my post - it does help very much. Different opinions obviously. <P>To answer a few questions. She told me she had oral sex with the OM and this after only telling me she have him a handjob. She claims it wasn't much and tells me things like - "he didn't even make any noises, or sounded like he enjoyed it". She obviously must of liked it to have two sexual events over a course of 3 hours. She even wrote him an email upon returning home.<P>The bigger question is - is she still communicating with him? My guess is yes. She has told me she hasn't last week. Why do I think so. The phone hangups presented an odd reaction by her. I haven't said a thing about them, but do wonder if it is him. She asked me if I had a girlfriend that was calling. I was in disbelief! Like the counselor said, the violator will often turn things around to make them feel better about what they did. I would expect totally the opposite.<P>On the positive side of things. She did express an interest in going to the last counseling session with me, but backed out at the last second. She stated that she could fall back in love with me, but didn't want to give up her freedom and independence. She is sleeping with me again. And, she seemed very interested in what I was doing over the weekend while gone. She hardly ever called me at work over a 3 week span, and then calling twice a day while she was gone this weekend - and the chat over the internet with me. Is she worried about what I'm doing? Well, that's all for now. Thanks so much for the help and I hope to continue this dialog