This is embarassing but here goes nothing.It has been 5 months since D-Day and things have definatly gotten better. The OP has moved to a different state so they aren't even a threat anymore. I have totally forgiven my partner and she has done everything in her power to show me that she does love me. I do feel loved and I also show her that I too still love her but for some reason I am not able to make love to her, one of her top EN. My mind says yes and my body will say yes but when it comes down to actually making love it doesn't seem to be there. It is like we are 2 pistons in an engine and both firing on a different timing system. She is willing to make love and even wants to make love but I just can't. It is like I have never made love to anyone before and I'm not sure what to do or how to do it. I am only 36 as of the 24th of Feb. and I use to have a high sex drive but now nothing. Has anyone else gone through this problem and can say this is normal or is it only me that is or has experienced something like this. I now have to worry about not being able to meet one of her EN. Sorry if this rambles on and on but I am at a lose and extremely frusrtated. To learn about the details of the A and how I came to discover it you can find the whole story under A caught on tape.<P>------------------<BR>Healing in NC

Dear Healing,<P>I did read through your original post and I am sorry that you had to bear witness to those horrendous details of your W's affair. How humiliating that must have been for you and I am certain that it will take a long time for those memories to be erased. One respondent suggested putting the tape where it is hard to find. I say you should destroy it all together. What purpose does it have in your life? I can't think of a positive one.<P>I think you may have answered your own question with respect to not being able to make love to your wife. To quote you, <P>"I was made a continual joke of their affair and when I say joke that is exactly what I mean. There were plenty of laughs at my expense even in the bed during sex they found a way to make fun of me. I heard my partner tell this other person how much better they were at making love than I was and how I thought I was good but I could never make them feel like the other person could, they were the best. "<P>With those few sentences, I think you have summed up the root of your current problem. You are still in pain and that pain cannot be erased quickly. No matter how hard you are trying to suppress those images and words they are lying deep in your subconcious and that is what I believe is making making love difficult if not impossible. <P>I wouldn't think for a moment that you have any sort of a physical disfunction! I know men worry about stuff like that, but please, listen to a woman...your mind is actually stronger than you body and I am certain it is not helping your situation.<P>I don't know how to offer you a fix, but it is intimacy that needs to be restored. I would suggest that you talk to your wife about those words I quoted above and how they hurt you and the possible impact on your love making. I could also suggest that you read "After the Affair" by J. Abrahms. There is a decent section on your problem in that book.<P>Above all, do not lose your self esteem. You have been through a tremendous shock and you need time to heal.<P>Take care,<P>-LL

The tapes are gone and have been for some time. I do not think about those words that were spoken and have come to realize that they were probably said as a way for her to justify what she was doing. If they are there subconsiously then I am not aware of them. Thanks for the advice and I will try to find the book you recommended. <P>------------------<BR>Healing in NC

I have to say the road you are taking is not easy. Most people would get mad and run away. You are showing courage and strength by working on your marriage. Afairs are not true and honorable, they need to be bolstered with more and more lies to feel right. Whatever was right and wonderful between you and your wife could not be said. How would OM be, hearing all the wonderful parts. It couldn't be said because it would hurt him, too. It wasn't said because it would knock a hole in their fantasy world. You are the one she loves, she needs to be patient with you now. I think you need many non-sex times together, intimacy is not just intercourse, it's trusting again. In a way you are new to each other, go slowly, you won't be back the way you were before. You have a real reason to experience this, She isn't exactly the same way either. She should understand this. Treat her with Love and understanding and things will work out. <BR>My prayers are with you BOTH. .D.<p>[This message has been edited by Daniel (edited February 25, 2001).]

Daniel I don't know if I would choose to stay again when running would have been so much easier but it was my only choice at the time since I still loved her very much. We do share many moments that aren't intimate but are physically and emotionally close. I am just fearful of losing her to someone else due to my inadaquacy at this time. I know she needs to love making to fill her EN and I can't accomplish that at this time. I really wanted to know if this was normal and if others have also had this problem or is it just me. <P>------------------<BR>Healing in NC

I think this often happens to both men and women...it's kind of a mental block. Give yourself time and patience. Meanwhile, try lots of cuddling, affection, etc. It seems that sex itself sometimes takes a while to regain.