I was going through receipts to do taxes, and found the receipt from a supposed "romantic" dinner at the hotel where we spent our wedding night (1994). It was on May 23, last year that we went there. Sort of a special place for us. After the dinner, we held hands and she said "I'm glad we did this...we needed it". So we went to the front desk, and made reservations for June 3, to spend a night there. We didn't make it. June 1, suddenly our marriage had always been not meant to be, she was unhappy, it was too late, etc. So June 4 she spent a night at another hotel (supposedly herself) to think. Next day, told me we have to separate.<P>I was just looking back at the irony of the whole thing.<P>I'm not doing a whole lot of specific things as part of Plan A. Just not LBing. I don't initiate too much talk, because she isn't seeming interested anyway, and frankly, I'm more at peace when not talking to her.<P>Kind of a catch 22, because I think some of the things that would be ENs are for her to think I'm having alot of fun, being outgoing, humorous. I have trouble being outgoing and humorous around her, because she has been so judgemental the past couple of years, and throw into it how I feel about her leaving me for someone else, and it isn't easy to be a fun guy around her. No problem at work or with people that don't try to control me. If we we're to evey work on our marriage, she'd have to get counselling, and I don't know about that.<P>She spends alot of time with OM, all under the illusion of "friends". Does not see anything wrong with kids being around him, because she says they are friends and that is it. I believe that she knows it won't go anywhere, but I believe that they are still totally involved, just living for the moment and sharing the "special" thing they have. Neither would know that the whole secretivness and fantasy creates these feelings. Hard to understand, but it never takes her long to want to change something she has, so I'm sure he'll annoy her at some point.<P>Not much for me to do, but focus on the future as it would be if we are apart. Anyway, guess I felt like rambling this afternoon. Thanks for reading.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Rick37 (edited February 25, 2001).]

Yo bud, you know I could have written the description of her current posture. Maybe we should think of ourselves as long distance runners. Alot of time in solitude. But you know, maybe you should try to be more fun when you're together. I can pull off a few jokes and be myself so you can, too. She was complaining about her financial struggle so I suggested she unplug the clocks at night to save electricity. She looked at me like she used to - for a moment. I know OM has the opposite of what you call a sense of humor, so I try to fill that void.<P>You know, Rick, keep plugging away and keep the moral high ground. Time wounds all heels.<P>Dave

You guys crack me up and believe me today that is hard to do. Rick, I understand when you say its hard to be outgoing etc. when you are with her. For me, after being physically rejected, it was hard to act attractive around H, even though I have no problem acting attractive around other men (I mean that innocently). <P>I shouldn't be giving anyone advice today given my situation, but I think not LBing is just about as good as you can do somedays. I keep thinking that I maybe did Plan A a little wrong. I felt like I had no power or say in the relationship for so long and that made me act like a timid mouse most of the time and I am not a timid mouse by nature. I think it made me unsure of who I was and was probably not as "attractive" as being sure of myself and moving forward with some more specific plans for me. I think this was my problem, not a Plan A problem in general.<P>Rick and Dave, you have always been an inspiration to me in how you can live with and seemingly better yourself right through the pain. I admire that about the both of you! Keep it up, but also don't feel like you are on a pedestal and can't vent!<P>

Rick-you have got to be one of the strongest people on the face of this earth. . I don't know how you do all you've done for your marriage, yourself & your kids with the way your W treats you. I know for a fact that I wouldn't have been able to do the things that I've done if Jim would have been so indifferent to me & lying, etc. The only reason I'm getting to the point that I am with him is because he never really stopped loving me.<P>And as far as you being fun, maybe you should check some of your posts here, cuz I know you've made me laugh numerous times. I feel for you so much (it's almost like survivor's guilt??). . please try to remember the good that can come out of this. . either a new relationship with your W, or a new & improved you.<P>You are supportive, you are able to (gently) make people think about things they may be overlooking, you are a GREAT father, a loving & wonderful H-even when your W doesn't deserve it. I just really, really think that you are an awesome person.<P>(WAT, ditto for you-you guys are basically living the same life right now).

Dave: Thanks as usual. OK, we are long distance runners that don't know where the finish line is....we'll just wait for it to pop up in front of us.<P>Exhausted: Thanks for your kind words. I can relate to being different than your usual self. The past few years, my wife got angrier in general, and I don't know what is behind it all, but I didn't confront the whole thing and instead sort of became more withdrawn around her. People would say things about me to her, and she'd act shocked. I play alot of practical jokes at work, and she can't believe this. But I don't know how to suddenly change around her, because we got in this rut. And now, of course, it is pretty difficult.<P>bitsy: Thanks as well for your vote of confidence and kindness. Dave and I could swap places and our wives wouldn't notice. They'd have to be told. I think they are color blind, but only see "Rose" through those glasses they both got at the dollar store. I know something good is coming out of this someday, but of course at this point I'm biased as to what the good would be....I want my family back together. But time will tell.

Hey Rick, <P>I'm fairly new here and don't know your whole story. I just want to tell you to hang in there and keep your sense of humor. I'm a long distance ruuner like you so I know it can be discouraging. I've finally crossed one finished line and have started a different race. <P>My wife finally ended her 3 year affair. Oh excuse me, they were just "friends" who slept together, my mistake. (I have a sense of humor too and it's bad sometimes...lol) We are working on recovery now and counciling with Steve Harley. Somedays are great, other days are very rough. But, we keep moving toward a new goal of a better marriage. So, there is hope. Many times in the last 3 years I wondered why I stayed but I am glad now I did. <P>Hang in there my friend. From what I have read you seem to be doing the right things and taking care of your family. So keep the faith and believe in the Marriage Builder concepts. They work.<P>Archer

Hey you guys HANG IN THERE!!! At least you are getting the chances to work on your marriages. I've been working on my marriage all by myself for almost 4 months. Just my friends and dogs have seen the new changes in me. You have the chance to show your seriousness with Plan A and your sense of humor. Please give it your all. I wish I had been given the chance to improve my marriage with my H instaed I have improved my realtionship with my dogs!!!