Hi all...<BR>I have been waiting with great anticipation for the day when the D papers would arrive from my W's lawyer. I truly expected that my wife would have them delivered on Valentines day, but that day passed without much happening. <P>I went away this weekend with my kids and when I got home and checked the mail...there they were.<P>Now no matter how much you prepare yourself for this, the reality of the situation is that it really sucks to think that she can do this and I have no choice. In Maine we have no fault divorce. So when I read the reason of irreconcilable differences, I wanted to throw up. She can have an affair, mess up my life and my kids lives and walk away...free as a bird.<P>She wants to know why I am so angry at her. I really believe that she thought that she could walk away and that everything would be just rosy. She is finding out that fantasy is a far cry from reality. <P>So now it is time to get my lawyer involved and find out how much she can get away with.<P>She keeps telling me that she has been honest with me. Well I found out more details this weekend that I didn't know before. I haven't confronted her on these yet. I just wish that she would unload the whole truth...all at once...so that I can deal with the pain all at once instead of just starting to heal and then getting slammed again and having to start from ground zero once more.<P>I am now at the point where I love her, but don't know if I can ever believe or trust her again. I really need some place to put this anger that I feel toward her. Just when I think that things are getting easier, they don't.<P>My SIL called yesterday and told me that my W was planning a family birthday party for my daughter this month. I was not invited. No-one in her family wants to go unless I am included. She is my daughter and I should be there is their feeling. So my W doen't know this yet but when she finds out, I'm sure I will hear about it, and...it will be my fault once again.<P>Time to go call my lawyer and set up a meeting I guess...catch you all later.<P>Mike

Hey, Mike -<P>I have to get in here and do some work, but I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am. I know how hard it must have been for you to get those papers. I really don't know what to say - other than that I am thinking about you and I hope, I don't know, I just hope things get better for you. I would definitely talk to your lawyer and make sure that your interests and the interests of your kids are protected.<P>I just can't get over how fast this is really happening for you, and it makes me wonder. . .not about you, but about your wife. I think she really believes EVERYTHING will be better once she's divorced. I don't know what she's hoping will change, it just makes me wonder, that's all.<P>Anyway, just thinking about you and hope your day gets a little better.

Hey SKM!<BR>I think that you are right on with your assessment of the situation. I have no doubt in my mind that she thinks that the divorce will make everything better. She thinks that if we get divorced that the affair that she has been having will no longer be an affair, and she will be free to do what she wants. I'm sure the OM wife might have a different take on the situation.<P>She is like a runaway freight train and she doesn't want to wait for anything. She is out partying with her friends and says that now she doesn't have to worry about my feelings and how I will react when she does this. Hard to believe that a 39 year old woman with 2 kids can't handle the fact that it is time to grow up and take on some responsibility. <P>The kids have been spending 1-2 nights a week at her place and most weekends with me. THe divorce papers say that they are living with her. YA RIGHT!!! It's time to start taking care of the real truth (which WILL come out) and hope that she wakes up from this fantasy of hers.<P>Nice to hear from you again!! I hope things are going OK for you!!<P>Mike

Mike,<P>I've been there!!! It truly feels like someone is ripping your insides out. My H served me with papers a day and a half before we were scheduled to take a weeks vacation last summer. For the sake of the kids, we all went on the vacation anyways. To this day, I continue to wonder how any fog can be so thick that someone can do this.<P>Your W is determined to go down this raod for a while so you have to go down it with her far enough to protect yourself and the kids financially, but you don't have to go as fast as she does. Definitely talk to your lawyer and stress that you would still like a reconciliation. <P>I too live in a state where it is no fault divorce and my H too listed irreconcilable differences. I realize that this is a legal necessity, but it struck me that they have a lot of nerve saying that after their behavior. It also struck me that divorce has become way too easy in this country!<P>I wish I had some great advice about your anger. I've suppressed mine so much to live through this and keep plan Aing that it is not healthy so I think you probably need an outlet. At the very least, keep venting here and to friends, maybe that will help some. Hang in there!

Mike,<P>Sorry to hear this news. Your wife certainly is on the accelerated route. I think the rate of descent will be somewhat proportional to the rate of climb. The fantasy she has built up will come to an end, and then what is she left with? The grass isn't going to be the color she thinks it is.<P>You should be at the party, and I'm glad that her family is supporting this. I have the same problem. My wife wants to cut me off from her family, but they include me as per usual. It annoys my wife, and her and MIL already got into a fight. Stick to your guns and let your W be annoyed.<P>You sound like you are handling this well, and it must be shocking to actually see this on paper at this point. As you know, protect yourself and the children and keep the faith.

mbtrk - is her expectation that she will have custody? If so, it further verifies her warped view of the situation. Engage you business brain and DO NOT let her get away with things she doesn't deserve. She left, right? A big dose of tough love may be in order. She needs all the shock she can get. Now's the time to put avoiding LBs on a lower priority. Good luck. We're here for you.<P>WAT

Hey Exhausted,<BR>Thanks for the response,<BR>I called my lawyer a few minutes ago and she got me in today. We have a lot to talk about. I'm not sure how to handle this. I really do want to reconcile, but there is a lot of questions that need to be answered in the process. Can she be trusted anymore. Can I believe anything she says anymore. Right now I would answer NO to both of those questions. Those two things are the most important things in a relationship. As long as she feels in lust with the OM, she will continue to tell me that she doesn't love me.<P>We had discussed details about how this divorce would work. When I got the papers, apparently SHE forgoteverything that we agreed on. So now I need to do what I feel is best for me and the kids. She is no longer a factor in my decisions. <P>As far as anger goes, I would be over a lot of this if she would just tell me everything, and not let me find out piece by piece. Let me have it all at once, deal with it and move on to step two! The lies just keep appearing and the only time I get the truth is when I confront her with facts.<P>Her brain has been hard boiled, peeled, and flushed down the toilet. Left in it's place is this piece of grey matter that functions only in the "Me" mode.<P>Mike

Hey WAT, Rick...<BR>LB's went out the window when I read the D papers. Everything that we had discussed and agreed to was nowhere to be seen! I went ballistic. Called her at work and pretty much let her have it. She denies all of it and "her lawyer must have gotten things wrong". She wants joint custody of the kids. I had agreed to this on a preliminary basis. The more I find out about the affair, and her lies the more I realize that joint custody may not be the best thing for me or the kids.<P>If she wants to be a teenager again, and not be a 39 year old responsible parent, then maybe that's what she deserves. I'll talk to my lawyer this afternoon and find out the best course of action. If it makes her angry or upset...TFB. I am tired of the lies, and the whole mess she has made. My 5 year old daughter has been crying and acting up and she doesn't see this as a result of her actions. The gloves are coming off if she doesn't get a clue real soon.<BR>Mike

Hi mbtrk,<BR>can't say any of what you said is a surprise, I noticed you have been absent from the forum for a while, and was worrying about how you were doing.<BR>I suppose the gloves are to come off soon.<BR>What a mess. <BR>Your W now has to be dealt of good spoonful of medecine, easier said than done, I really feel bad for you. I've already sais yours is the story I've followe closest since I've been on the forum.<BR>I myself went tot he brink and came back from hell with my W and family intact.<BR>I have been absent from the forum for nearly 2 weeks while all this was going on.<BR>I'm sorry you didn't have the same fortune as I did.<BR>Love those kids to death.<BR>My sincerest best wishes,<BR>Steve E,<BR>somewhere near Paris, France.

Steve!!!<BR>How are you? I am on my way to h***, just haven't arrived yet. I still hold out some sort of hope, although it fades on a daily basis. <P>She is just well on her way to another place.(at least in her mind) and who knows when or if she will ever come back. I really don't know what the status of the affair is right now, and although I would like to know what is going on, it is probably in my best interest not to. THat way I can keep my piece of mind.<P>I hope that things are going well for you and if you ever get to the States, let me know! Maine is a beautiful place in any season, but the summer is the best!<P>Best Wishes...<BR>Mike

Dear mbtrk,<BR>things have calmed down here.<BR>My W has come out of the proverbial fog and is struggling accepting what she has done to us. Even the sex has returned to our relationship, and the future all looks rosy.<BR>This all happened after an incident in which I "lost my marbles". Look for a post on "In Recovery" about this.<BR>This seemed to jolt her out of whereever she was. She is making a h*** of an effort to get back to a normal life, and keeps saying "Thank You" , "I'm Sorry", How could I have done this...", etc.<BR>Her shoes must not be comfortable at the moment. Since I flipped out and lost my marbles, things have picked up and the situation improved dramatically all in the space of 10 days. <BR>I just wish you could experience the same relief I am experiencing. It is difficult to describe how I feel, like a miracle, it's late here, I'll post again later this week.<BR>Steve.<BR>