MY H leaves everynight after I come home and goes to ????? I think the OW's house but he says A is over(lie) Anyway, My questions is, My 3 year old woke up last night crying and unhalf asleep and went to Daddy's room but Dadddy was not there (2am). I consoled her and brought her to my bed, Should I tell him about this event and say I told D that I didn't know where Daddy was and that I am concerned about her behaviors and maybe we should get her into counseling? Or would that be a LB or what. He needs to know that his behavior IS having a negative effect on his children whether he likes it or not.<P>hopelessmom

I would suggest you tell him. WS need to know the reaction of children. This is my opinion, but I think you'll hear the same from anyone. That is very sad to hear, and I've been there too.

My first inclination would be to tell him, but you should also be prepared for a response like I got..."Are you telling this just to make me feel guilty?"

While part of me would be telling him to make him feel guilty, He is the father and should know that what we all do as parents Does effect our children and we Do have responsibilities to them Not to hurt them. Sometimes parents don't care and maybe he really is a man who doesn't really care about the needs of his children. I don't know.<P>I would respond that I am telling him because I am concerned about her and I just don't know what to do any more in regards to her and her cries. What do you think? <P>hopelessmom

Hopelessmom -<P>I am a former WS, and I think you should tell your H about what happened. I think it would also be godd for your H to talk to your D - to reassure her - or whatever. I DEFINITELY think WSs need to be held accountable for their actions - especially when they affect their children. I think your planned response is good - but I wouldn't really expect too much from him - i.e., he may not care about what your D is going through. It's sad, I know, but be prepared for the worst and hope for the best.<P>I don't see this as an LB if you tell him about what happened.

Dear HM,<P>This is a hard question and so many have opinions (especially those who have not been in this situation). Children though are resiliant (oops on the spelling). I have been told to tell and not to tell. My H says I am telling to much. But our son is not stupid he is a person with feelings in his own right and regardless of the age, the children do feel the effects of the A.<P>In my case, our son who is 6 years is aware that his father moved out. He asks many questions, more than I can answer. They are all valid and genuine questions that deserve an answer. I have asked our son to ask his father. Our son says he is to 'embarressed. <P>On his own, our son said he would write a letter to his father. He did a short 4 line letter, 2 questions and 2 statements. Short and to the point. <P>1. Why do you want a divorce?<BR>2. Why don't you want to live with us?<BR>3. I want you to come back and live with us.<BR>4. I miss you.<P>This little guy put it in an envelope, addressed it his dad & I delivered it the next morning. It had a impact on dad. It just happened so we are waiting to see how much of an impact it will leave on dad. <P>The BS needs to be careful how this is handled. We need not to put undue pressure on our children but not hide it either. Kids are not stupid. They see and feel our pain. Our son told me the night he wrote his letter, "mom when I see you cry, I cry a little too." I shared that with my H. <P>Treat you kids with respect, help them see that they are a help to you. Show that to your WS. It may help. <P>Hope this experience is helpful.<P>Take Care,<BR>L.<P>

I think that your reply is a good and honest one and I too, also appreciated the comments from SKM and Orchid (THANKS).<P>I have been struggling a lot this week because my little one keeps asking me when daddy is going to come home. Sometimes I want to say, "Why don't we call daddy and ask" but I myself am too afraid to hear the answer. Part of me thinks he will come home for the kids, but it will not be because he wants to be with me or to work on the marriage. Then my older child keeps things so well hidden. I actually had a crying fit this past weekend and I had to come "cleaner" with my kids. I just said to my kids how sorry I was for the pain we were causing them and that I hurt too and that they could talk to me at any time and that if they wanted to call their dad that they should do so. Anyway, just sharing my feelings as they seem similar to yours.<P>-LL

My oldest(D-11yrs)is able to share her feelings, but also feel empathy for me. She does not get scared with tears, only angry outbursts(when life was out of control and did not know what ws going on.) She can handle dad being out because we atlk about it alot. I try to stay positive without fase hope, but truthful.<P>My youngest(B-8yrs)still does not get it. He knows dad is away, but thinks a lot about it. Always asking when it dad coming home. At first I always wanted to answer "ask your dad," but I realized that he would not remember to do so. Plus I did not want to give him the message that I was unwilling to answer his questions. I love the little guy and wish I had the asnwers he seeks, but it is the one I cannot answer. I cannot say, "as soon as dad gives up his girlfriend." So I am stuck. But i continue to tell him that he is loved, and H and my probs are not affected by him in any way. He did not cause them, and he cannot fix them, H and I do. I stress this because it is important not to allow kids to carry any of the burden of pain caused in the seperation. But it takes a lot to keep reassuring them. (Especially now that dad does not call them between visits.) I guess he likes the fancy free life. [I am getting angrier.]