Well what a weekend. H moved some of his stuff out Saturday and moved it to OW's house. I was also served papers Saturday. I have no choice but to go thru with all of this. It hurts tons!! To be replaced so soon and have hime set up house and not even be divorced. I have an appointment Monday with my lawyer and i will try for the cheapest fastest solution because that is all I can do. I have no hope. The only hope I have is for this affair to end in 2 months after his move in date. Friends have given it a month. My counselor told me this is the ultimate betrayel. I noticed that H got sick while he was packing up on Saturday. I know he could not finish his task and stuff of his is still at the house. I know its mean but I hope he goes thru the pain I have and I hope OW gets what is coming to her. I have much resentment here and no hope.

So sorry you're hurting. Just remember . . . it's not over yet. Divorces don't happen overnight, and it's possible that he'll change his mind.<P>Moving in with OW will be the ultimate reality check. Once the fantasy aspect of the relationship is stripped away and the day to day routine begins, your H will be very disappointed. Affairs are an escape from reality with each person putting their best foot forward.<P>The affair will most likely destroy itself. All you have to do is sit back and watch.

Thanks Susie,<P>I know it will destroy itself-Actually I do have a couple of months still. I told my counselot the faster they move in together the faster it all goew down hill. Well see-it seems like the odds are stacked against me instead of them at times. I am trying not get get bitter over this whole ordeal. I just need to be reminded that I am going thru my pain now but they will go thru theirs also and I need to be reminded that this affair most likely will fail but sometimes I think of all they gave up for it and this might strengthen it, i.e.. My H has given up the house, his family and me. Only God knows what will happen and why I am going thru all this pain and anxiety... Thanks!!

Ditto Susie - this could be a cloud with a silver lining. Now comes the real test, no more adolescent irresponsibility. Don't interfere and sit back and watch the show. No guarantee it will collapse, but pretty good odds. Just hang on and vent to us.<P>WAT

just like everyone has said, sit back and watch. that is what i have done and ow put him in jail, they were fighting everyday, he had to call in at a certain time of day, if he was home early or late he heard it. all he heard was that he was going to come back to me. he is not back yet, but i do believe he is almost there, he is staying in his moms rv and all of this has been going on almost a yr. long ride but he saw ow for what she is. she even had the nerve to fake a suicide attempt and has theaten me and through a rock through my window and went up to a club that i was at sat. h told me last night that if anything happen to me he would kill her and if i saw her to hit her in her nose. point is i don't really know what she looks like and he said he would show me a picture which i really don't care to see cause it will bring a lot of memories up, put i would like to hit her for what she did to me and my family. point is, they will hang there own neck, now they have the time to see eachother for they are and they will destroy there own relationship if you want to call it that.

TRS,<BR> <P> I am so sorry for the pain you are going thru. My H moved in with OW and filed for divorce also. The pain was incredible. <BR> I am encouraged by hearing about couples who get back together,even after a divorce. <BR> When I become angry about H,OW,and anyone else who has supported this adultery,I ask God to help me forgive them.<BR> I dont know if you are religious,but I do not seek out revenge.I know that God will do that on his own.<BR> I think it was sign,that your H was got sick ,and was unable to finish packing.<P> Do something special for yourself.<P> Love and Prayers,beth

I need to remember that OW is leaving a 2nd bad marriage and I think she is just using h to get out of her present situation. OW is 6 yrs older than us with 3 kids(we do not have children)-I do not think my H will be able to go out with the boys or continue working out all the time. There's babysitting that needs to be done and he has no boys to go out with because of what he has done to me. OW is known as a ***** and now a slut-a small town can do wonders for your reputation. Sometimes I wonder if it may work but I just do not know. His whole family has said they will not accept her and do not want her in their houses because she is not trusted because of what she has done. We'll see if everyone holds true to this. Reality has not set in and I cannot wait for it to..They have been together for 4 months now but they have been hiding at OW's parents house this whole time -Her parents are coming back soon and I believe she has to move back to her shack this week-I am given this 2 months folks.. Maybe we can start a pole and see who wins.

TRS...<P>I do feel for you...<BR>...a big word of caution here...<P><B>don't sit back and relax</B>!<P>Plan A is not about relaxing...<BR>...it is about learning better marital skills...<BR>...and learning doesn't stop when a WS leaves...<P>You'll have to learn those good skills...<BR>...so when(if) the WS comes back...<BR>...you'll be able to POJA effectively...<BR>...and draw the spouse into "honesty" and "tim commitents".<P>Your learning <B>never</B> stops.<P>Don't rule out the possiblity of this lasting a bit longer...<BR>...they now have freedom...<BR>...the euphoria can last a while...<P>PTC especially now...<BR>...the payoff is coming.<P> <P>Jim

<BR><<<I do feel for you...<BR>...a big word of caution here...<P><B>don't sit back and relax</B>!<P>Plan A is not about relaxing...<BR>...it is about learning better marital skills...<BR>...and learning doesn't stop when a WS leaves....>><P>I totally agree with TRS! There was nothing relaxing about Plan A at all. Why are you planning on letting the divorce go through quickly if you dont' want it? I would have contested it if my H had filed, tried to get teh jusdge to order counseling, a waiting period, whatever it took to drag it out and buy myself more time. My sister let her WS have a quick dissolution (though she was heartbroken) within 3 months he was begging for another chance (she said no). My H moved out and in with the OW too. Within 6 weeks (with me working hard on Plan A) he started to have a change of heart. It took about 4 more months (and several false reconciliations) and he was home for good, and happy to be here.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by fairydust:<BR><B><BR><<<I do feel for you...<BR>...a big word of caution here...<P>don't sit back and relax</B>!<P>Plan A is not about relaxing...<BR>...it is about learning better marital skills...<BR>...and learning doesn't stop when a WS leaves....>><P>I totally agree with TRS! There was nothing relaxing about Plan A at all. Why are you planning on letting the divorce go through quickly if you dont' want it? I would have contested it if my H had filed, tried to get teh jusdge to order counseling, a waiting period, whatever it took to drag it out and buy myself more time. My sister let her WS have a quick dissolution (though she was heartbroken) within 3 months he was begging for another chance (she said no). My H moved out and in with the OW too. Within 6 weeks (with me working hard on Plan A) he started to have a change of heart. It took about 4 more months (and several false reconciliations) and he was home for good, and happy to be here. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Also, from what I observed, the WS who leave and move right in with the OP are the ones most likely to come running back. My H moved in with the OW NOT as a commitment to her, but as non commitmant to his decision. If he would have signed a lease on a place he wouldn't have been able to change his mind so easily without it costing him $$$. I think the people who are more sure about their decision tend to move into their own place if they leave the spouse.<P>

Thanks Jim!<BR>I have been on Plan A since December. I did realize what I did that drove my husband away. I continued to show care and thoughtfulness even though he moved out Nov 10th (this is when he said he loved me like a sister and our marriage was over-we were having problems but I could not get it out of him what was wrong the whole month of October than he just walked out in November) I am on Plan B (This has been since January) now because when he does talk to me he is hostile and mean (which he never was before) I have been in counseling since December -this is when I figured out there was an OW. I have done all I could do to show my H that coming home is an attractive choice. There really is nothing more I can do but let the affair die a natural death -if it does do that. Thanks for the words of encouragement though.<P>Fairydust, I am concerned about the moving in part because H cannot afford an apartment right now but will be able to in a couple of months but also he is living with his grandparents and has had an offer to live with his aunt-both relatives have big houses and he has his freedom at these houses but he has changed his address on bills to OW's house. I cannot contest the paperwork or anything because I do not have the financial means. I cannot borrow money from family where H is getting a deal on this because his mom works for his attorney-I on the other had have to pay out of my pocket for everything with no help. I have to borrow money from my work just to pay for legal fees for a dissolution. I am in a pretty type bind.<P>HOWEVER!!!! I am blessed with tons of friends who take me out for dinner and lunches also, friends call me every night to check on me, H's family has even gotten me wonderful gifts to lift my spirits-I am trying not to feel real sorry for myself and I will make it through this. I believe my H thinks of me as an obsticle at this point and once I am out of the picture life will be fine. Personally , I think that even when this obstacle is out of the way I will still be in his thoughts and life will not be fine. I believe by going thru with this my H WILL wake up sooner. There is really no way of knowing though. I do have two months before all the paperwork goes thru. Thank you all for your kind words and for giving me a little bit of hope.<p>[This message has been edited by Trs (edited February 26, 2001).]

I think that the ones who move in right away with the OW are the ones who are most likely to say "how high" when the OW says "jump" - and the same goes for those who quickly file for divorce. My H went right from home to her house, then about a month later ostensibly rented a room near her for a couple of months, but I doubt that he ever stayed there. The OW tells him what to do and he does it, even when it means he rarely sees his kids.

It's futile to try to predict anything about what will happen. I don't think two months is very long at all. My husband is three years into a ridiculous affair that should have everything against it (she's a subordinate) and I see no sign of it ending.<P>The bottom line is the only thing you can control is yourself. My suggestion is to focus on your own life, make yourself happy, and try to let go of the obsessive thinking that takes over regarding these situations. I know, easier said than done.<P>

If I had to do it over again, I would have based all my decisions on the assumption that a woman who hated me and wanted my H to have as little to do with his family as possible was controlling all of my H's moves. I would not have bothered to stay in the area, had I known he would soon want little to do with his kids. I would have made financial decisions based on the assumption that supporting his children would not be a high priority for him, that he would be perfectly willing to let them live in poverty.

TRS<BR> I feel for you. My H moved out in Sept. Moved in first with a co-worker but spent alot of time with OW. Last month- January he moved in with OW.<BR> He is clinically depressed and has been on-off-on-off meds.<BR> He has transfered certain bills-ones that I could track his moves, like cell phone and credit cards- to her house. She is divorced with two kids. <BR> I too believe that in time life will get in a rut once again and he will see that the grass isn't greener on the other side. <BR> I did plan A from Aug til January. When H moved in with other woman I switched to plan B. He has said in the past "I have this feeling somewhere down the road I will lose both of you". <BR> It just hurts too much when I talk to him. We have always been best friends and can talk so easily but when he tells you he loves you as "a friend" when previously he could never imagine a life without you it hurts beyond imagine.<BR> So, I believe waiting it out and trying to make our life and that of our kids better than before.<BR> Hang in there.<BR>