My H moved out jan.1, W OW. It is a long story of how we got to that point. But right now I am so frustrated with him for the fact he call ME everyday, drives by the house on his way to work, says "I miss you", "I love you" but he goes home to OW. He tells me sometimes he thinks he's happy, then there are times he tells me she gets on his nerves along with her 4 kids. (we have 4 of our own) There are days I feel hopeful and then days like today I feel like he never loved me in the 18 years of marriage we shared. I've also found out that he has had other affairs with my friends. By now I feel like such a dumb A#$. I have been going totally out of my way to make sure he knows that i love him unconditionally. There is only so much I can do with him not at home. He tells me he thinks of coming home but feels like he is in a situation he can't get out of. My older boys hardly see him, my younger two have seen him every weekend this month!! He seems to think he can call, come by and check on me when he wants. He thinks he can see the kids whenever he wants. He walks in the house like he still lives here. He hugs me he kisses me. (no more sex though) Anyway I really need some advice. I don't know which way to go anymore. I see a lot of people going through tough times and was hoping someone could have some advice for me. PLEASE HELP!!!!

Dear KLA,<P>My H moved out the day before, 12/31/00. He thought he could come and go also. The next day, I changed the locks. He was angry for about 1 week. Then reality set in. I informed him that he was now a guest and needed to call before coming and knock when he arrived. He did that. I asked for the house key back. <P>After the anger subsided, it became easier to deal with him. I wish I was strong in other ways, but it has been hard for me. In my case, I am glad I changed the locks. <P>I could not stop him from coming by everyday since his work vehicle is parked at our home. But I did not want him wandering into my home either. He did come by and say I miss you (a couple of times), but the lock stayed on. He does not have a complete set of keys, even 8 weeks later. <P>My H did realize that he could not come home until he could make changes required out of respect for our family. I told my H that our family needs are to be given priority and not the needs of the OW. If we can not be placed in his life as the only priority, then this is no longer his home. Hard but true. <P>Hope this info is helpful.<P>L.<BR>

Thanks Orchid!!<P>I have taken the house key,but if the door is not locked he comes on in without knocking.. I don't know what else to do. Should I not talk to him anymore, except for the children issues? I have such a hard time because I do love him so much. Sometimes I wonder why. With all that he has put me and our kids through. You sound like you are a strong woman, very confident. I wish i could just let go but there is something inside that says to hold on. So I guess it's my fault now if I keep getting hurt. If anyone has any suggestions I would LOVE to hear them!!!!<P><BR>THANKS AGAIN ORCHID!!!

Hopefully you've checkout all the info on Plan A, EN, LB, etc. If not, go to the Just Found out forum and look for the postings from OneGoing to find this.<P>I'd say you should Plan A, because he seems to still state that he has love for you. Many of us don't get that. Must be extremelyl painful to know he lives with OW, but if she is already on his nerves, time should take care of that. Have you talked with Steve Harley?

Dear KLA,<P>I am no stronger than anyone else. Eventually we all reach our saturation point. My H used to direct the anger for himself at me and the anger at me also to me. This was very confusing. Being the recipient of anger and now always knowing why. I took that for a long time, then one day the lightbulb came on and I let my H know that I would take his anger for valid things I did wrong and be willing to work on it but I would no longer be willing to accept his anger that belonged to him. This seemed to difuse him and made him easier to tolerate. Now we can talk in a civil manner. <P>It was hard. As long as I had the need to cry and be frustrated. As long as I was kept in the dark, it was to hard to handle. Once I saw where most everything stood, even if I did not like it, I was able to deal with it better. <P>Find you comfort spot, stand firm. You will make it. Ask you closest friends to keep you having a calm heart and a clear mind. I made that a request in my prayers. I believe that I was given that gift. RE: Patience is not one of my virtues. It was a developed skill and I am still working on it. <P>My H & I had our first session with Dr. Steve this morning. Though to early to tell, my H did give some positive comments. <P>Hold on to the love, let go of the anger. Tell your WS you are willing to be his friend. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.

KLA, My H moved out 12/2/00. Apparently, he'd been preparing for the move for the 4 previous months because he was yelling at me nonstop about his jealousy of an old boyfriend from before our relationship ever started. We'd been together 18 years also. After he left, he continued to come over daily to yell and blame me for what was happenning. I was ready to file for D and instead called him in the middle of the night and we talked for 3 hrs - actually, I let him yell at me without hanging up or telling him I couldn't listen until he stopped yelling as I had been doing. Things started to look up for about a month. He came over more and more frequently, told me he still loved me, he missed me, looked forward to seeing me when he was away, even did a couple of counseling sessions with Steve Harley, but, of course, still spent every night with OW. But every time he started toying with the idea of coming home, he'd disappear for a week and my hopes would come crashing down. Steve Harley recommended Plan B after only about a month. Now, a month later, H has stopped coming to work at our jointly owned business, he was spending corporate funds to support his lifestyle with OW, not working and partying. So Steve H recommended talking to a lawyer. I did and the result is H, though still 1/2 owner, is fired as administrator, all bank accts. have been changed to my name only, charge cards cancelled, charge accts. closed, etc., and I'm filing for legal separation. My story is obviously not going to give you a lot of hope, but at least I can empathize. I recognize the feeling of feeling like a dumb a**. BTW, Steve Harley would tell you that love is not unconditional. There are conditions. You can't be badly treated and still love someone forever. Especially when your H has moved in with OW, it's very hard to continue to Plan A.

My H moved in with Family Nov. 23rd. I found out about OW Dec 1st(I belive there was an EA atthis time) this is when I implemented Plan A but did not actually believe he was having a PA until January 22nd (dumby me lived in denial) I have been on plan B since than because H really did not come around anyways to talk to me and when he would talk to me he was hostile-I wrote him the Plan B letter last week bcause he was getting more hostile towards me and thought he could call and make demands on me and yell when ever he wanted. I took his keys away in January because I was in fear of OW coming over and "shopping " for my stuff plus I wanted to implement curiosity in my H - all of a sudden I am no longeravailable to him. H now goes over to our contact persons house (she was a good friend of his before we were married and is now one of my best friends. I wish my H was concerned about me and would tell me he misses me but instead he wants NOTHING to do with me-I must have leprosy or something.. He even said the onlyy stuff he wantes out of the house is stuff that deals with him but not with US!! He moved out some stuff last week and got sick while doing it and left the rest for later. Keep up with your Plan A I would call a counselor here and see if and when you need to implement Plan B-but if your H is still around I would stick with Plan A..and Pray!!!

I have been in plan A for a while. I know some of the reason why he did what he did is because he says he felt unneeded. What I've tried to make him realize is that I knew of his needs (so I thought) and was trying my hardest to meet them. His mistake was not communicating to me that I wasn't. To explain a little mor about that his job and the job i HAD conflicted as far as time goes. I was working in the late afternoons early evening. He was also at my job teaching while I was working(the reason I took the job to begin with) That way I could see him. Then his hours at his job changed so he couldn't come in as often as he wanted. He told me he felt lonely and asked me to cut back my hours so I did. That , I guess wasn't good enough for him. I started looking for another job, and was stuck where I was at because of a trip HE committed us to. They took money out of my paycheck for this trip,so I was obligated to stay. As soon as we went on this trip(he was already seeing his OW) I quit my job to be home for him. I went totally out of my way to meet every need he could possibly of had. I mean EVERY> He said I was just doing it because I thought someone else was. To this day I go out of my way as much as possible to remind him of my love for him. He now says he knows and will never doubt it again! BUT he is still with OW in her home. I want him back in, mine!!!<P>Should I keep doing plan A or should I move to plan B? When I do avoid him he still calls even more so. But I am afraid that it may drive him to her. What should I do. Sometimes I figure I could be no worse off that I am now. Please Help!!!!<P><BR>Thanks to all of you who replied it gives me hope and an honest look at what to expect!!<P><BR>Love ya guys!!!