Hi all! Hope everyone is doing well!<BR>H came back to me, yes, he came home after a date with OW and told me he broke it off with her, said he was here for me now, and that he broke her heart.<BR>Well, he told me that he loved me and considered the time we had been together.<BR>I should have been jumping for joy, but I'm not. He obviously loved her, and is having withdraw symptoms, but I'm not sure he will cut it off completely. She told him she would not call him, but he said she could, if it was important, or an emergency.<BR>He told me he still wants to maintain his "single" life and go out on weekends with "her" friends. He said she wouldn't be there, but that's pretty hard to believe, the connection will always be there, and what's to stop her friends from telling her, he'll be out with them, she could easily show up. Then he will start to question them about "her" and vice versa.<P>He also refuses to wear his wedding ring, is spending tons of money on clothes, a new car, wants to take night classes, salsa dance classes, join a gym and is not back in my bed, although we do have sex.<P>He also does not want to go to therapy.<BR>I asked him for his work schedule and he hesitated, saying he was sinlge for more than a year, and it was strange.<P>Well, why the hell did he come back to me, if he wants to have his cake and eat it to.<P>I don't want to be punished for my mistakes forever! Nor, will I be a doormat.<P>His thinking is that I had the affair, and he's calling all the shots now!<P>I have tried to be patient and understanding and compromise.<P>I told him I would never ask him to give up his friends, but am uneasy about him being with "her" friends. I told him this was going to be hard, and we would have to compromise, sacrifice, etc.<P>He was not overly receptive, and I did not want to put further pressure on him.<P>I am so sad and depressed!<P>He is still not there for me physically or emotionally, and this is where the problems started!<P>I am missing OM, with all that's going on and have never felt more unloved.<P>Yes, he's back, but he's a complete stranger.<P>Why did he come back in this state? I think he was better off with her, he's is obviously not willing to meet me in the middle, nor at least admit he played some part in the reason why I had my affair.<P>He thinks its 100% MY FAULT - no matter what.<P>I told him what if I continued my friendship with OM's aunt? He was not even understanding, he just said "Well, that's different. The OW wasn't the one who broke up our marriage!"<P>True, but his Aunt is not guilty or played any part in this either. She didn't even know I was married!<P>I don't have much hope for this, but am trying to give him time and hold my tongue. <BR>Can't tell you how painful this is. I am crying more and more now.<P>He also does not want to celebrate our upcoming 6th wedding anniversary, but agreed to celebrate our 9th anniversary (of knowing one another).<P>I am heart broken, sure my affair lasted 18 months, but that doesn't affect the first 4-1/2 years of our marriage.<P>I think he's being childlish and selfish, but that's my opinion, since right now, I'm feeling so hurt, confused and sad.<P>I know this is a first step and praised him for the difficult decision he had to make and told him I admired the strength it took.<P>I reassured him this would never happen again, that I would make him happy and he would always know my whereabouts.<P>I also told him I would not make this difficult for him and not make too many demands.<P>I told him there would be no more fights, just open communication and total honesty.<P>I told him I would change my cell phone number if he wanted to.<P>I am doing everything humanly possible, and deposting those love deposits like mad.<P>This is hard when he's not showing me anything back.<P>I agreed to him going out with the "guys" as he called it, but I'm not at all happy.<P>I told him I couldn't force him to wear his ring, and he told me I never wore mine before either. He thinks I did this because I wanted to portray myself as being single. I think he's trying to get back at me, and perhaps go out and have his own affair.<P>I am trying to live my own life, separate from his, which is what he wants. But it's hard, since I've always made him MY life.<P>I always matched my schedule to his, making sure to have his dinner ready if he was coming home early, or in the fridge if he was coming home late.<P>I only scheduled my appointments and errands, etc. when he was working late, so we would have time together, now he doesn't even want to give me his schedule. Nor have I asked him a second time for it.<P>I have continued to be loving to him, leaving little notes for him day and night, making sure the house is clean and that there is always food in the house. Buying little and small gifts, complimenting him. He's been sick lately, and I even put together a little basket, with get well card, tylenol, neo citran and tons of lozenges.<P>When he does call, I try to sound positive and happy, asking him how he slept, if he's feeling better, what he would like for dinner, to drive carefully and enjoy his day, etc.<P>What more can I do? <P>I try not to overdo it either, don't want to start calling him mushy names yet, but I do express my love for him and new respect and devotion.<P>Please give me your advice, especially you men out there! Will this get better??<P>I hope so, I'm losing faith and am crying as I'm typing this.<P>This is just so hard ...<P>Thanks for reading my long, long post!<P>Much appreciated and hope everyone else is doing fine too, and in not too much pain!<P>Smiles for all of you, even though right now, I don't feel like smiling.<P><BR>

lee-ann,<P>My advice is patience and time. He just came back. He is still very bitter about what you did. You apparently didn't wear your rings but you expect him to wear his. My guess for more than a few months you are going to see this behavior, but it will gradually go away.<P>It depends on your Plan A. If it is good gradually he will realize what he has in you, but it has been a long time since you were his W. A very long time, over 20 months, so don't expect miracles, this will take consistancy, time, and patience on your part.<P>He hasn't forgotten one bit what you did to him. And frankly although he obviously loves you a great deal, he isn't certain he is doing the right thing. He isn't confident that you won't go back to OM, who you still think about a lot.<P>You are not out of withdrawal and he is just starting, so quit expecting everything to be good. It will be rough, but you know one thing that he doesn't know. You know he loved you deeply and still has love for you.<BR>He doesn't know that about you, he suspects you are back simply out of jealousy, not love.<P>It will take time for him to realize that you do love him, that you do regret what you did, that you feel very guilty for what you did. He probably hasn't really had a chance to see this aspect of you yet.<P>So T&P (time and patience) lee-ann. This marriage was torn apart over a long time and it will take time to heal.<P>So Plan A, and realize most of what you are seeing is his hurt and anger. It will go away with time.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Lee-ann,<BR>Boy, do I feel for you. I don't the background to your story, other than what is in your post.<P>It sounds like you are doing the right things to alleviate the affair behaviors you had...with accountability, rearranging your schedule, reassurances. Very good.<P>From what I can tell your H had an affair after you did, and you were separated. I know a lot of people equate separation with not being married, but separation is not the same as divorce and in a perfect world should not include dating, so what your H did was as equally wrong as what you did. <P>I had an EA during our last separation, so believe me, I'm not being holier than thou, it was both legally and morally wrong. Last year at this time my marriage was much in the sort of emotional place that you are in now, only with the sex of the spouse exchanged, and I had met with a lawyer to serve D papers. We've now been together 9 months...after 2 1/2 years of turmoil and 7 separations.<P>I echo you in wondering why your H came home? If he doesn't want to give up his weekend nights out, wants to keep in contact with the OW, won't give you his work schedule, won't go to counseling, doesn't share your bed, doesn't wear his wedding ring...sweetheart, this is not trying, and these are issues/expectations the two of you should have discussed before he came home. I know, foresight, rather than hindsight would be wonderful .<P>Worse, there is little you can do at this point to change or control his behavior. You've got the 4 basic options, Plan A with him in the home and give him time to get through withdrawal and stop being so crummy. Plan A with another separation. Or Plan B and protect your emotions. Or Divorce him.<P>Plan A will be very tough, especially if he's going out all the time and not inviting you to go along. I did Plan A for 18 months before I all-out quit. But I can tell you, my H chose Plan A when I did that, and I am POSITIVE that if he had not done Plan A at that time, we would not be together now...and it took 3-4 months for him to win me back. A WS doing Plan A after their BS has turned WS doesn't exactly start with a clean slate...the issues are a little more severe than "you didn't pay attention to me." My H's WS actions had been terribly painful to me...why would I want that again, when I had this perfectly nice OP with no past history of hurting me?<P>My H had to show me why I would want him, could trust him someday...even as he saw me choose to go into another relationship. I know that hurt him, but I was more in the mode of bridge burning than MBing.<P>I'd advise you to go to counseling alone if he won't go. With your own affair, and now his, believe me, you will likely have a lot of issues, and they aren't simple and they are unlikely to go away on their own.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8

Hi Just Learning:<P>Good to hear from you again!<P>Yes, I agree, patience! But, its so hard.<P>I think I will start to wear my rings again, to stay on the positive side.<P>I would have to think my withdraw symptoms are harder than his. I have been with OM for 18 months, versus his being with OW for 3-4 months. Although its hard for me, I don't feel that bad, the only times I miss OM, are when he's emotionally not there.<P>As I write this, you will be amazed to hear this.<P>H called me this morning and called me sweetie, yup! Had to rub my ears, I couldn't believe what I was hearing, then he told me he wrote his schedule on the fridge!<P>He alternates between hot and cold, so I will take whatever he gives me right now.<P>I'm just having such a hard time staying positive. Each time he does something nice, I try not to read too much into it, althought I do show my appreciation to him.<P>This is just such a cautious time, and I don't want to get my hopes up, and get hurt too!<P>P.S. I finally managed to order the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley, but it will take weeks to get in.<P>Thanks for your reply and I wish you well also!<P>

Dear Lor:<BR>Thank you for your reply.<BR>If you have the time, my original post, and first one, is dated February 25th, titled "Need help getting my marriage back"<P>I'd be honoured if you could read it!<P>Lor, please help me with the abbreviations, what does EA, WS, BS, mean in your reply?<P>Sorry to hear about the pain you are going through, and will try to read your earlier posts, are they also all under "General Quesitons II?"<P>I have been in therapy for years, and am also on Paxil. I go to therapy once a week, and will continue to do so without him!<P>I also just ordered the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley.<P>I wish you all the best too!<P> <P>L

Hi Lee-ann,<BR>I'm such an MB oldtimer 2+ years that I do throw out abbreviations like a madwoman .<P>EA--Emotional affair usually meaning sparks a flying, but no sex, vs a PA--physical affair, usually meaning sex, but obviously there is some gray areas between the two. I'm not sure where the "official Marriage Builders" line is drawn.<P>WS--Wayward Spouse, the one having the affair.<P>BS--Betrayed Spouse, the one whose spouse is having the affair<P>Thus, you can be both WS & BS, like we have been...and it is not a good place to be, it just doubles, almost quadruples the issues.<P>I'm glad to hear you are seeing a therapist & on anti-deps. It will help you through this.<P>I'll check your other thread.<P>Lor<BR>