It has been a long time. My new job assignment keeps me extreamly busy but I wanted to tell my friends how my life is going.<P>Feb 25th was the end of the first year. Actually the 24th was more of the aniversiary being a Saturday night 52 weeks later. I looked at the aniversiary not as being the horrid time in my life that everything exploded (which in a way it did) but as the marker for when we discovered the problems. The problems in our ("our" being me, W, OM, and and his W) lives existed long before DDay. It was DDay that said fix these or die inside. So ... Last weekend was a time for me to look back on what we have accomplished so far.<P>I have truely learned my Wife's emotional needs: conversation and dates. There are others as well, but being a farther and helping with the housework has never been a problem for me. Lack of emotional support was. I withdrew my emotions from her because of a percieved lack of affection, which caused her to hold back her affection because she did not know how I was going to react .... and so starts the cycle. She stated she could not "read me" to ever know if I was happy, upset, frustrated, content or anything. She ws also afraid to approach me at time because the only feelings I ever showed were anger. She found a friend to listen to her and got out of the house when she could and the rest is what happens when two emotionally starved people spend a lot of time together.<P>Steps have been taken to correct those mistakes. I have learned the art of active listening, true conversation and not just problem solving topics. And I really enjoy this more than I would have guessed.<P>At first, W listed "time alone and time away" as an emotional need. Needless to say this was not someting I wanted to hear. I was empty on the trust budget at the time and did not want her to go anywhere without me. So we worked out time for me to take the kids for a few hours a week and leave her the house all to herself. Ofcourse she soon felt left out because the kids and I went to do fun stuff and she just stayed home and read a book or some such. That led to our night out without the kids some and we discovered that what she need was time away but not time away from me or the family. Dating is one of her emotional needs and one that I am more than happy to fullfil.<P>You would think everything was going better than anyone could hope for, but towards the end of last year I was feeling anrgy all the time. I hid this as much as I could because I didn't want to bring up old fights. It became almost comsuming. I did things completely out of character for me. I lied, distroyed things, stole things and seemed to look at my actions while trapped behind my eyes and unable to convince my body to stop. I even told my wife I would not live with her anymore and that she need to make arangements to sell the house. I did not want to say that but I could not stop it from coming out of my mouth. When she asked "so this is it, your leaving?" I dared not open my mouth and struggled to shake my head no. <P>You told me then that needed help. I had handled everything by myself for to long and it was taking a toll. Thank you all, you were right. You have most likely saved my life as well as my marriage.<P>I am going to a counselor again, only this time just me and for me. It has helped more than I could say. I can hardly even imagine any more what those days felt like, but I'm scared knowing how close I came to insanity.<P>So, we are doing wonderful now. Trust is coming back for both of us. OM and his W are still married and still working on their relationships. But they have a way to go yet. I pray they make it.<P>Thanks for listening. Thanks for everything. Thank you for more than I even knew I was getting.<P>Joe

Hi Joe,<P>Good to hear that you and W are progressing so well. Am also glad to hear that you were able to address your problems and get them under control.<P>This is a wonderful post. Don't be a stranger, come back from time to time.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Congratualtions, Joe!!<P>

Hey Joe--<P>Good to hear from you! And, so glad that things are good for you & wife...I recall those "angry" posts ...they had me worried abt you. Thanks for posting an update...it really is good to see.<P>Congrats!<P>Kathi

Joe,<P>Thank you for sharing that story. I am still new (3 months) here and very unsure as to myself and what I want, let alone being able to work on my marriage. I am the BS. It is nice to hear a success story and I really like the part where you see it "not as being the horrid time in my life that everything exploded (which in a way it did) but as the marker for when we discovered the problems. The problems in our ("our" being me, W, OM, and and his W) lives existed long before DDay. It was DDay that said fix these or die inside"<P>I know deep inside that there is a lot of truth to your words. They are just so hard to believe when I am the only one in my marriage who seems to think there could be hope.<P>My WS says things like "I was motivated to do those things (affectionate words, dates, gifts, LISTENING) for her (OW) and have not had that motivation with you" Are these normal things for a WS to say? That is one of the most hurtful things he has said because it makes me feel as if I have been living in a one way relationship for many years. I feel used and worn out.<P>Any thoughts would certainly be appreciated seeing as how you might have survived something similar. Thanks.<P>-LL

LearningLife, as far as what's normal for a WS to say ... this is not a normal situation so there really is nothing normal to say. But as the cliche goes, every cloud has a silver lining. I'm sure that it hurt to hear that, but when we start disclosing our true feelings sometimes the truth hurts. Now I or anyone else on this board can tell you that the truth -- even if unpleasent -- is much better than lies.<P>He has given you a place to start. Why did he not feel movated to do those thing for you? Forget about OW for now. She did nothing special do get the attention, she was mearly a receptical for the affection H needs to give (and get) but for some reason could not give you. Let me throw out so very common reasons why men shy away from a woman: fear of rejection, lack of a challange (mostly applies to women we don't know well), feeling of inadaquacy or "I'm not good enough for you", more effort than it's worth meaning we are not getting back as much as we put it. Anybody doing Plan A will know the feeling of the last one, that's for sure. My guess (and it is just a wild guess) is that for some reason, real or imaginary, he feels that you would not be open to the affection and would therefore not return it, reject it or worse, tease him for trying. When you are dealing with emotions, whether it is real or not is irrelavent; as long as he thinks it real the effects are real. Convience him that you want the affection and that you will make it worth while.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Joe in TX (edited February 28, 2001).]