Hi, this is my first time to post here after reading the board for a couple of weeks. I have been shocked to find so many people, like me, dealing with the pain caused by those we trusted.<P>Here is my story, I would appreciate your comments.<P>I have been married 23 years to my husband. We grew up together, and were married when I was 17 and he was 18. <P>In June I noticed that he was "detatched", spending more and more time away from home. I tried many times to talk to him about what was bothering him, but got no where. In July he was away 3 days, work related. His job often takes him away from home this way, and I didn't question it. Until.... On his return home I overheard a phone conversation with a close male friend. He sounded like a 16 year old bragging about the good time he had. He was talking about a female co-worker that had went on the trip, and some inappropriate comments that were made by him and some of the other male workers to her. And how she "had loosened up before the trip was over". I was very upset and told him we needed to talk about it. He was very defensive, angry, said he hadn't told me about the female worker going on the trip because I would over react, thing the worst, accuse him of things that he hadn't done. He said it was just him and the guys blowing off a lttle pressure, there was nothing to it. I told him how his comments about her made me feel and that I thought his behavior was VERY inappropriate. We argued about it for about a week. Then the cell phone bill came (my personal cell phone, he did not have one at the time) and there were two calls made that I did not recognize. We didn't get itemized bills and these only showed up because of the "roaming charges" on the cell phone. I called both out of curiosity, both were her numbers (female co-worker), one at work (placed while we were on vacation the week before his 3 day work related time away) the othere was to her home the first week of Aug when he had borrowed my car to "run to town to rent some movies". <P>I was shocked! When I questioned him, he said the call while on vacation was work related and the other was to ask her about about a movie everyone at work was renting. I didn't beleive him, there was too many clues in too short a period of time. We argued about it for months off and on. He kept telling me I was parinoid, over reacting, crazy, etc.<P>In Oct. my daughter and I went on a short vacation. My husband said he couldn't go because he couldn't get off work. We were fighting at the time over my suspcions. We came home a day early because I got sick, he wasn't expecting us until the next day. A new cell phone just out of the box was laying on the counter. I asked him why he had a new cell phone since we already had two in the family, one of which hadn't been used in a while. He said he needed his own for when he was away from home. I told him that made no sense since his company supplies him with a cell phone. One week after our return he went on a 5 day trip "with the boys" to a car race. On his return he acted different, more attentive, more loving and caring. Things got much better and I was feeling like I really must have been parinoid and all the other things he claimed I was. Life was good, until Jan 12. <P>His cell phone bills had not been coming to our home and I questioned him about this a few times. He always said that the bills were being sent to his boss at the office, and paid by his boss, because he was using the phone for Co. bussiness. On Jan. 12, I found by complete accident a canceled check where he had paid a cell phone bill of over $100. I knew then that he was lieing. <P>A big argument happened when he came home and I questioned him about it. He lied but I was having none of it this time! I told him to call the cell phone co and have itemized bills sent since the phone was activated in Oct. He did. Then admitted that he had called her while on his trip in Oct. to the races. "work related" of course! For 3 days we argued with him telling one lie after another, swearing nothing happened between them but a "kiss on the cheek" "between friends". I called her a few days later, meet with her and she told me that it was "a friendship that went a little too far". That they had french kissed several times, meet to hug, kiss and hold each other. That he had told her that he loved her, and that he had cried and wondered "why is this happening to me now?"<P>When I returned home and confronted him, he still tried to lie! He finally admitted to the kissing and that he "thought he had loved her". But is adament, defensive that he did not sleep with her. I don't beleive him. He has always been a "physical man". I can't imagine him stopping at kissing! <P>He is still lieing. I just discovered that he called her while my daughter and I were on vacation. He said a week ago that he had not done this. Confronted with the proof "he can't remember calling her". We are in counseling now, she has transferred within the company to a different distict, and he telling me constantly that he loves me and wants our marriage to work. But my gut says there is more to the story, such as sex, that keeps me from trusting him. What are your thoughts on this?<P>

All of our hearts go out to you and I most certainly can relate in more ways than I want. Many go through this and there is hope and help!<P>The fact is that there is a string of lies and deception which is consistent with someone doing something inappropriate. <P>It may be hard to hear this, but I think how inappropriate that action was becomes somewhat irrelevent to what you are trying to achieve. I think you should assume the worst and decided how you want to deal with that. He'll eventually tell you, but you should already assume it.<P>Right now, he is incapable of telling the whole truth because he is in the "fog" as we say. He's still trying to figure out how he could even do such a thing. Trust me, even the most terrible people hate themselves for affairs. My wife certainly does and still lies.<P>I am certainly no expert and I am now going through all this too, but my advice is for you to consider the following:<P>1. READ every post you can.<BR>2. READ the site and books if possible.<BR>3. Be firm with him, but not mean, PLAN A.<BR>4. Stay in counselling.<BR>5. Take good care of yourself and your needs!<P>He sounds like he really still loves you and basically screwed up. There is real hope here. He will find his way if you help him, which is the most unfair of it all. Plan A him and please do not punish him when he makes progress.<P>REWARD PROGRESS!<P>Good luck and keep us all posted.. we care!<P>K<P><BR>

Ah Blue,<BR>I have been here too long. They all lie, I'm sure there are many lies you have not yet uncovered. My H lied for a year, kept saying they were just friends. It about drove me crazy I still have this need for some truth from him and have still not gotten it.<P>One thing people on here told me was, he is having an affair, acept that and deciede what you want to do about it. If you want to fight for your marriage read everything here and start plan A. He will never tell you the truth by you arguing with him. I know this for a fact.<P>At this point he is going to just continue to lie. Of course you cannot trust him. He has to be honast for that to happen. Its a good thing she is moving away, maybe the affair will die out. Maybe you can start to discuss no contact with her with him. <P>Good luck.<BR>Lora

Thanks so much for your input. You have both helped me realize that at this point whether he is lieing or not, I have to decide on a plan of action. It feels like I have been in a haze for too long!

BlueLou - I think you have a good head on your shoulders and you should be able to implement Plan A and avoid lovebusters as you need to. The fact that he is willing to go to counseling puts you WAY ahead of the curve compared to many of us. You can bring this back together. Follow the advice above and stay strong. Come to us with questions and to vent.<P><BR>WAT<p>[This message has been edited by worthatry (edited March 01, 2001).]

Thank you "Wat". I appreciate your comments! You are all so helpful! <P>