I think our H's are related... I just read your post on the merits? of doing Plan A for too long. My H is doing/saying the same things as yours. He misses me, still loves me, but has "made decisions" that he thinks he can't just walk out on.. I said "You walked out on our marriage"... (I know.. Not a real good move!) <P>I asked him if he loved her... He says "no", I say then why do you go home to her every night and sleep in the same bed?? Are you as confused as I am??? <P>arm6868@yahoo.com

blindsided123, I've been there too. In fact today, H told me he still loves me and is considering moving out of house he and OW rented together and moving into his own place, not home, of course. He talked about trying to reconcile and then went home to OW. I had been in Plan B and broke it for this conversation. He says he'll come to the house to talk to Steve Harley in the morning with me. We'll see...

Blindsided,<BR>I am so very confused. I love this man more than i can say. But at the same time he is not really doing much to keep the love alive. I guess that the only reason I am waiting is the fact of all that he tells me. I know that he is also hurting. My kids go with him on the weekends and see him cry. They he asks "how's mommy?" They tell him how iI am doing depending on the day I am having. crying because of him or okay. He tells them"take care of mommy for me" Why? I can't believe that he could just walk away from his family and me the way he did.<P>I've had advice to plan B from some of the other members. It really scares me, but like I said before I can be no worse off than I am right now. I don't know what to do. This is 18 years of marriage I'm giving up on. I haven't been a quitter since I was a kid. i've always perservered. It goes against everything I've believed as far as a marriage should go.<P>Someone told me love was conditional when I said I love my husband uncondidtionally. I love him faults and all. But yet hangin' around is destroying me and probably what is left of the"love" I have for him.<P>kimmybbc@AOL.COM

LetSTry- <BR> Good luck... I have given up trying to understand.. We went and had coffee today, I am at the point where it has to be HIS decision as to what he ends up doing. I do want him back, but at the same time, I can't go through this again.. It has been the worst experience in my life. <P> Will keep you in my thoughts.

KLA- <BR> Like you I am also not a quitter, everthing that has happened tells me to "quit", but I can't seem to find a way to quite let go. I am so confused as to what I should do it is driving me insane. I am worried that I miss having a husband more than I miss him... But at the same time I think of all the good times. Right now I feel like I am back @ step 1.. Plan B sounds logical, now if I could just figure out a way to stick to it... <P> So much rang true about staying in Plan A too long.. I wonder if because I do still love him I am inadvertantly (SP??) showing him that what he is doing is "ok" and that I will continue to tolerate it.. Who knows? <P> Sorry to hear that the kids seem to be caught in the middle. Wish there was an easy solution to that one.. <P>arm6868@yahoo.com

Hi all,<P>Wow, I know how you feel. Same here. How it hurts to love someone so much when they are doing everything in their power not to love you but not let you go (in the true sense). My H told me he did not love me but still cared for me and did not want to hurt me. Conflicting statements? I thought so. I told H that he had a funny way of showing he cared for me. I don't think having an affair can ever be construed as a caring action for one's wife. So, even though he didn't want to hurt me, I told him he already did. Now he has the opportunity to stop hurting me, then I might believe him. <P>After a long internal struggle, I told my H that I loved him but not his current actions and attitude. I then told him that I loved him and will let him go. H said he wished that I would say that I hated him (in fact at one point he intentionally was trying to get me to hate him - gotta admit he almost made it). So I said: "OK, I hate you and want you to leave us alone." You know what he said? "I don't believe you." <P>Hey I said I tried. I did what you said you wanted to hear and now you don't believe it. Well you had your chance to be free and you blew it. After that he said he wanted to come back. <P>Is that a crazy idea? Probably. Is it recommended, can't say. Just know that is what I did. I just wanted to play it back to him and make him think for a change. <BR>At least it made him think. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<P>

I am married to a ambivalent WS also.<BR>I have told him that I love you but your behavior is abomindable (just like talking to your kids).<P>Two weeks ago H and I had discussion(slightly heated) and I went upstairs to bathroom and he came up and Semi yelled at me that he does love me but(in a lower voice) he is just not in love with me. <P>He then proceeded to tell me that I will WIN (we are divorcing against my will at this point) He is slim,etc... and even said something about jumping off a bridge ( i don't believe him) anyway, I told him I DON'T WIN ANYTHING. I am the biggest loser. I lost my husband, family and my best friend. No H, I don't win anything.<P>He left.<P>Part of me hopes that guilt is just eating up the inside of his body. I wish I did have a magic want to read inside his head but he has done things that I never would have guessed along with this A stuff.<P>I believe this WS are SICK. That is what I keep looking at. My H is sick and I said in sickness and in health. I can't stop what he is doing but I can be here to help pick him up when he hits the BOTTOM!<P>hopelessmom

Count me in your camp as well. H says he loves me and that I am a great person, but he just doesn't feel towards me how he wants to feel for his wife, i.e. he is not in love with me. He just knows his feelings are never going to change. He recently moved back in for a few weeks, told OW it was over, and then tried working on our marriage for a couple of weeks. Guess what, he just couldn't get those feelings back AFTER 2 WEEKS!!!!! (Is my sarcasim showing through strong enough?) He just moved out again.<P>I think for some of our WSs, coming back and working on the marriage looks like such hard work because they will then have to truly face the really awful things they have done and choices they have made. They develop this "woe is me" attitude that they wish things could be different, but too much has happened blah, blah blah.<P>I just wish they could see their own version of the Christmas Carol before they take those steps that will kill our love for them and possibly irrevocably hurt their kids!! My H may not be able to see a life of happiness with me at this point. But I am pretty sure he is never going to be happy living with what he has done either.<P>Oh well, as someone else said, it has to be their choice and I think many of them have to hit rock bottom before the choice to come back and truly work on the marriage looks good. Sorry to sound so depressing, just my opinion.