Hi all!<BR>Well, in my earlier posts of 02/25 and 02/27, I spread the good news of my H coming back after spending 3-4 months with OW.<P>Well, he is coming around very, very, slowly, and last night, called me sweetie.<P>Well, I'm feeling really, really scared and nervous about tomorrow night (Friday night).<P>H told me he still wants to go out with some male friends to a night club (they are her friends), and that she would not be there, but how do I know that.<P>She will obviously be keeping tabs on him throught these "mutual" friends, and vice versa.<P>Whose to stop her from showing up? <P>I am feeling so insecure and have this huge pain in my stomach from worrying about this.<P>I want to ask him if he has called her, or seen her, or vice versa, but I don't want to scare him off by sounding controlling or insecure?<P>Should I talk to him about my fears, what's the best way to go about it?<P>I know he still wants time for himself, but I don't feel comfortable with him being around her friends! He's only known them for a few months anyhow.<P>Meanwhile, I'm at home every night for him, and he wants me to go out and enjoy myself too. Pretty hard, when I don't have that many friends, since I've made H my entire life!<P>Can't sleep or work worrying about tomorrow night. What if she is there?<P>He wouldn't tell me, he's lied before.<P>It's killing me.<P>Your feedback is much needed and appreciated!<P>Love,<BR>Lee-Ann

Lee-Ann, there's nothing wrong with asking your H questions. If he's committed to rebuilding your marriage, he'll have no problem answering them, either.<P>Your H should agree to no contact with OW whatsoever. If he doesn't, you still have work to do.<P>As a former WS, I'd NEVER consider contacting my OM again. I've already hurt my H enough and I realize that I can't even be friends with OM if I want my marriage to recover.<P>If you and your H aren't in counseling, please consider it. Even if he won't go, you should. Do it for YOU b/c you have a long road ahead of you.<P>I wish you strength and courage. {{HUGS}}

Lee-ann,<BR>If he wants you in his life, and he wants these friends in his life, then it only makes sense that he brings you along. If he doesn't want you to come along, they aren't "neutral or nonthreatening" friends, they are a link to his affair.<P>One of the main ruless for MB successful marriage includes the Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA). Neither of you does something that the other is not enthursiastic about. Another rule is spending 15 hours a week alone together (tough with kids, we often settle for being in the same room with each other). If he's spending his recreational time with others, you and he will not have the time to rebuild your marriage.<P>"Time for myself" or "Time to think" and "needing space" tend to be code words for "I'm still screwing around, or planning to." Sorry.

Hi Susie:<BR>Thanks for your reply.<BR>Yes, I do believe I should talk with H again, especially before he goes out on Friday night.<BR>Did you have an affair on your H, is that what WS means (wayward spouse).<P>Do you think it's right for him to continue to see "her" friends, even if she's not there?<P>H does not want to go to therapy, unfortunately, but I go every week! Just ordered the book "Surviving an Affair" also.<P><BR>Would love to hear your story, where can I find your previous posts?<P>Mine are under General Questions 02/25 and 02/27 titled<BR>Need help getting my marriage back<BR>and<BR>H is back...<P>I wish you well also!<P>

Hi Lor:<P>I guess it would be weird to go out with his friends, as he was with her all that time, and they might feel uneasy too ...<P>I don't know if I'd want to be around them either, don't need them reporting back to her about what I'm like, what I look like, how we are getting along, etc, so in that respect, I guess we do need to maintain separate friends, or maybe I'm being too understanding??<P>I do agree that continuing to see "her" friends will be a problem as the connection is still there, BUT<BR>he told me that "she" was not the one who broke up our marriage, and sees this relationship with her as being "nothing wrong"<BR>He told me he started to see her, AFTER we separated, and not like me, while we were married.<P>He does not want to admit he played a part in my having an affair, and is still so bitter and angry that he thinks its all my fault, that I never should have done this to him.<P>So in his eyes, his relationship with this OW is right.<P>I'm trying to give him time to get this out of his system and hope he will just get sick of going out, but I do wish he would at least invite me along, or even with other friends, or on our own ....<P>Your comments about "time for myself, time to thing, etc, did hurt me and cause me further grief, but you may be right.<P>I'm probably in denial for saying this, but I do want to give him the benefit of the doubt, that he feels the need to exert his new found independence and is just not comfortable being around me too much, considering that he was single for so long.<P>It hurts, it does, but what else can I do??<P>I plan to talk with him soon, before he goes out, to get it all out in the open. I hope it goes well, and that he doesn't get too defensive, etc...<P>

Lee-ann,<BR>It was not my intention to hurt you, and I admit I am 100% cynical when a spouse *says* to their spouse "I love you, but I need this time". If actions and words do not line up, I've learned to always believe the actions (it was a hard lesson for me)...and your H's actions are saying these friends are more important than you are. And, if he is worried more about how comfortable they are, than how anxious you are about him going out...what does that tell you about your place in his priorities?<P>My H doesn't hang out with the "guys" anymore, and when he was, he was really with them AND the OW or just the OW, the "guys" were just alibis. And in fact, he told me one of the times he went out and we were separated that some of "her" friends would be there and it would be too uncomfortable with me there. He was with her. My story is not uncommon, you can read it over and over on the infidelity threads.<P>And I repeat, since you were still married, only separated, not divorced, his relationship with her is/was wrong. He's got some good justification because of your affair/actions, but justification does not make his affair *right* or that there was "nothing wrong" with it. I believe he is wrong on that. <P>And, if he was single for so long, and remember my H & I were separated off & on for almost 2 years, he *could* take the attitude of being delighted that he can spend so much time with you now. Single guys dive into intensive relationships all the time.<P>I probably am coming off as hammering you, but I know I avoided looking at the reality of my H's affair actions as long as I could, and he always denied what he was doing. <P>And, as for the man I saw during my last separation, I can't see him now, we're on "no contact". He was a *great* friend, but our emotions/actions crossed the friend line and he has no place in my life with my husband. I also felt justified at the time when I was seeing him, since my H had walked out on me 7 times. It still was a wrong decision on my part to start seeing him.<P>I still think Plan A is for you, I'm not suggesting you lovebust on your H, but I want to encourage you to recognize to yourself what behaviors your H is exhibiting that do not line up with reconciling within your marriage.

If you want to see previous posts, check my profile and then do a search - it will bring up all the posts since I became a member.

Lee-ann,<BR>I did go back and read your first thread, which I had not read before. I did not realize that your affair ended such a short (relatively speaking) time ago.<P>But I can tell you, as I waited 18-20 months for my H's affair to end...there came a point when I stopped waiting and simply wanted a life back. When the betrayed spouse gets to this point AND finds someone else, it is very difficult to bring them back. It took my H 3-4 months of intense Plan A, during which time I served him divorce papers and treated him as if we were divorced.<P>He has posts in GQII as Guard a year ago, if you would like to see the viewpoint of someone in almost your exact postion. He no longer posts, he considers MB my domain . He went through and read a years worth of my posts at that time, it was extremely painful for him. He had no idea or memoroy of some of the things he had done to me during his affair, just as you do not know the extent of the damage you did. Nor will your H know your pain now.<P>No one ever knows the depth of another's pain, no matter how many times or how descriptively you paint it for them.<P>I do wish you the best, and if my H & I can come through affairs, 7 separations, it may be possible for others. We slide back to the brink of divorce in the blink of an eye or a mischosen/angry word. We have to be very careful of one another and not spin the other back onto the rollercoaster.