hrtbrken, I have been through the exact same thing - although I don't have kids. This happened about six weeks ago to me. Read my post - it is called - my husband told me he cheated why?? We were married in November, and in January he started wanting to go out drinking/carousing as I call it and acting like he was 18 again. He is also 26 years old. He started getting home 3 hours late from work smelling like smoke and booze. Out drinking with girls from his work. Trying to cover it up by saying he worked late, etc. Classic bullsh**. Then he starts telling me he's no good, I deserve better, I am so career and future oriented and he's stuck in a rut. He came from a disfunctional family and has a steroid addiction. He stopped doing steroids 8 months before we got married - maybe that is part of the reason he did this. I threw him out IMMEDIATELY - as I cannot force him to be who or how I want him to be. It gave me time to get away from his destructive behaviour and his total lack of respect to our marriage. He tells me crying how he wants me back now, he wishes he hadn't started going to the bar, and the next thing you know I get a bank statement and he's been renting hotel rooms as he's staying with his cousin and can't do his deeds there. So - there he was lying through his teeth, crying wanting me back, trying to kiss me and hold me. I wanted to believe him but fate allowed me to find out the truth. He is not going to tell you the truth to your face. This is harsh for me to say but really you have to face reality. I was listening to his cell phone messages, and getting all the information i needed. And - I forgot to mention - when he started telling me this he confessed to cheating on me before marriage, and said he did it because he thought I had cheated on him, and like you he has left me several times b4 saying "he can't give me what I need" which is basicly a copout and he is just trying to get his freedom. He does want his cake and eat it too and it sounds like your husband is doing the same. Marriage is hard work, a commitment and a serious vow. Some men just cannot and will not accept the fact that they made these vows and are willing to put their families on the line to go out and explore other women. I have been healing for a while, and feel better. I am still sick inside, and have lost alot of weight, but I'm getting ot know myself again, and realize that I was sacrificing alot being with him. And, I am going to give him the choice of divorce or not. He cannot have me and do what he wants as well. I have the respect for him, he doesn't have it to me. Remember you are a valuable person too. You should be happy. You can't rely on him to make you happy. YOu have to make yourself happy. Its unfortunate that we marry people and they change. My husband does the kissing thing too. kissing my tears away, askingn me not to cry, it makes him feel guilty. Well poor him - how about how I feel - I've been suffering for 5 weeks while he's out getting laid. Not exactly 50/50 is it?? now he's wanting me back and realizes what he's lost - but really - will he ever change?? It sounds like your husband has a pattern of destruction as mine does. Maybe they should get together and be in misery together. Honey - just take care of yourself - i went out and got a new hair do and I've even started dating a few guys who treat me about 800 percent better than my husband did. I am not doing anything physical, just getting to know them. My husband not realizes that I can and will move on so he wants me back. But now that I'm free and like myself again - I don't want him. Maybe you should take some time for you and really look at reality. Do you want this man to keep doing this to you?? A leopard can't change his spots - why should you wait around? You can't change someone else. you can't make him want to be faithful. No amount of trying will make him change. He has to want to change. Just take care of you, and of course your kids. They are the ones who will be hurting now too. I was the kid in this situation once too. Its painful. And it still pains me to this day. But my mother was strong, she got on with her life and didn't try to change him or beg him to come back. YOu can do it- and it will all work out. God bless. <P>------------------<BR>sad and worried

i just don't know what to do, see he was always saying things like he didn't want to put any false hope out there towards me and the kids, and all the times when i was plan a, and like his step dad said, he likes a slut in the bedroom and a lady out, i started talking the talk and teasing him. i even told him once that that was all i wanted and he couldn't understand how i could do that and let him walk out the door and said that we don't just ----- we make love and that there was too many feelings involve on both sides. he has said that night that we both have to be sure of what we want and that we both need this time to think and as much as he wanted to come home he can't until he straightings out his head. i guess i'm being a fool. i have gone out on dates and i did do something which i have told him that when it happen i realize what is was and ended it, i told him that tues. which i could tell he was hurt but all he did say was that it didn't matter if i slept with a 100 guys it wouldn't change the way he felt about me. so i just give him his pace and hopefully it won't be too late!!!!

Why do you believe what he says ?? What he is saying to you, "you being with 100 guys won't change my feelings" is his way of trying to have his cake and eat it too!! My husband does this too. But when it comes down to it, no - it doesn't work that way - when we have gotten back together he holds the "other men while we were broken up" against me and says it makes him feel sick - when the reason I was off with other men was because he had rejected me and I thought our relationship was over!! But then he uses that against me each time he manages to weasle his way back in and the "honeymoon period" is over he brings it up and uses it as a copout - it is during this time when he is philandering that I can't believe a bloody word he says - of course he loves you, of course there are feelings involved. But what he is doing does not involve those feelings. They are pure selfishness. He is doing whatever he wants and wants you to be there too. Its not funny that he wants a slut in his bed and a woman on his arm. That isn't a reason for you to stay. He should be monogamous and you could get diseases!! Especially bartenders/?? How often do you think they sleep with different men? He is putting your life at risk - why let him?? He is going to tell you everything you want to hear. Anything to keep you waiting around for him - so that when he gets bored with his choices he can come back to you until the next time. Believe me - I've been there - and I know its hard with kids -so that makes your situation different. But please - analyzing what he says is fruitless - he is not thinking clearly and/or not telling the truth. Go with your gut instincts. That is our biggest protection. It helped me figure things out long before they could impact me. I had him out very quickly. Go let him do what he wants. But if you let him come back again everytime he does this - then he knows he can toss you like a tissue and you'll still be there waiting for him. Basicly, if you want to be a doormat, he'll figure it out and there you'll be. Kids or no kids - you'll be there for him to stomp on. Please don't let him do that!!

tanyadj<BR>i don't know what to do or what to believe. we never had a chance to work anything out he just ran away from us cause he couldn't believe what he had did. listen i'm not going to make excuses up for him, but he had never done this, and i do know that and it was a shock to everyone who knew him, those same people after he left lost respect for him and he did the same. so i do know that he is lost. i have not slept with him and that is not just something he would do. ya he was messing and apologize saying he had no right and everything with the feelings. jimmy couldn't stand to lie or be lied to before all of this, so i know it is killing him, and for the most part, i do believe him how he feels about me he is just caught cause he told me what he did was the lowest someone can do and he can't forgive himself and doesn't understand how i can forgive him. he says he doesn't trust himself. i don't know, i think you misunderstood what i was saying about the slut in the bedroom, are sex life went down the tubes with my illness and the new baby and kids. he just wanted to try different things and there wasn't alot of time for me, with work and the kids. i understand how we got to that point. i didn't mean he wanted the slut(ow) and me. got that from fil that that's the kind of woman, meaning me. i don't know what it is, maybe because when we got together he was only 20, and i did have 2 kids already that there fathers were never involve, and he took them in as his own, and they still are. we have 2 together,so that makes 4. that's why maybe i have so much faith in him. and then when i had the stroke when i was pregnant, a yr before the affair, he stood day and night with me everytime i was in the hospital. he did go on an accasion have a couple of beers when i got home, but that time he did he went to think and cried to me saying that he which he could give me his heart and that he thought he caused it and was sorry that he couldn't provide for me. he doesn't understand that he can and i love him for who he is. see this is why i think he is caught.maybe i'm stupid<p>[This message has been edited by hrtbroken (edited March 02, 2001).]

how are you doing hrtbroken??? better I hope? Do you have any updates?? i hope you are happier and finding out what you need to do to make YOU happy. My husband is coming back now too - he wants to go to counselling and stay married. It is so hard but I know that if we do get back together, we will end up having the same thing happen down the road. And that would be the 5th time!! I hope you are doing better. I've seen your other posts so thought I'd bring this one back up to the front. I hope you write if you need to. Keep your chin up and remember you are special and valuable. And you deserve to be treated so!!<BR>God bless!! Tanya

tanya, i'm not doing too good. he just came back from boston yesterday, went up there w/ his brother to get his bother stuff, they are moving here. anyway, h was joking with me when they got here, i had sil here w/ me so they had to come get here, anyway pulling my hair and stuff. i don't know if i told you about ow#2 and her getting out of picture, seems she wanted more than he wanted. anyway we were all suppose to go out to eat after they put the stuff in storage but by the time they got done it was 930 pm and they were all tired so we said we would do it at another time. so i thought. my sil called me, wait let me back up a bit. i figured out his cell password, still know him better than he knows himself. i listen and i did erase some, i'm bad, but he had a few from ow #1, who was very nasty and vandictive, i'm not worry about that one, she is over with. but there was one from the new one, which i did erase. anyway like i said sil called me this morning and she doesn't know what is going on. said that h told her while they were in boston about karen and about her being physco too and that he was done with it and that she got the impression, cause of the way he was frasing words, that it was ok to tell me. anyway she said that when they got back to the rv h had taken a shower and was on the phone w/ his mom then he left, supposely to ow #2. she said that her and her h got into a fight about it cause she feels like i am being pushed around by it and that she is in the middle, i told her that i didn't want her to be in the middle, she said that is not what she meant. said that he needed to be honest with her cause she didn't think he was and what the hell is my h doing, especially with this other old ----. he said that she had her **** together and the rumors aren't true that guys at the bar gave h a high five when he got her, you know what i mean, and said that alot of guys have tried for the past year. she's a ---- and is 20yrs older than him. what is he doing is he stringing me along, what does he want from me. i haven't called and i don't intend to, been kind of upset since i heard this morning. talked with his mom and she don't know cause he told her that it was on it's way out and about what happen. and he still says that he wants to date. ya right, how many times do i have to get my heart ripped out, why am i soooooo stupid. what the hell have i done? he talks about our relationship and says it was a 9 the whole time, we never really argued and he tells sil and bil that he cries all the time cause he misses us. like he is showing it. please help, i don't know what to do

hi heartbroken - sorry I've taken so long to reply - been busy too with the stbx stalking me/begging me to take him back - it's not a pretty sight - and it's very hard to turn him away. I want you to know one thing. When he left - I had all the same feelings you do. But - I decided, that what he wanted was the thrill of the chase, the thrill of chasing other women, and he knew (or he thought) he had me and I'd be there when he got over his selfish needs. Well guess what? Because I didn't call him, refused to talk to him and just went out and had fun - improved myself, continued school and started dating, he had come out of his delusional fog and realized what he had lost. He thought he would be forgiven by me. He's going to counselling now and cries and cries over the phone about how he's so stupid, he screwed up, he confessed to sleeping with some girl at a hotel a few weeks after I kicked him out and that is all he did (supposedly). Anyway - what I want you to know is that ifyou play it cool - and don't beg, and don't grovel - and don't be his doormat he will respect you more and if you really want him back, he will be back. I promise. Of course nothing is 100% but I can attest to the fact that when you let him know you're waiting for him NO MATTER WHAT HE DOES he will just keep doing it. If he sees you pulling away - he'll get scared and by then he'll probably not be so thrilled with the little tramp he is affairing with. Let him CHASE YOU!!! You are too good to let him stomp on you. Go do some fun stuff and let him go. As I learned, checking his messages and erasing them did nothing!! What about all the times he answered the phone and talked?? The messages are the only ones there when he didn't answer. Nothing youdo will stop him from doing what he wants. So fine - let him go. Remember the old saying - if you love someone set them free - if they come back to you, they are yours, if they don't - it was never meant to be. Same goes for you! Maybe there's someone else out there! I know you have kids and you want to try for their sake and so you feel loved again. But you cannot be his doormat. Be strong, girl! I know you can do it!! Write back if you want... GOD BLESS!!