Where to start? My H and I have been together for almost 10 yrs now. I was 15 and he was 18. I became pregnant at 17 and we were married after I graduated and had the baby. That was in 1994. We have been together since. Our relationship has been a constant roller coaster. He has become more physically abusive as time goes on. He has had numerous affairs. We now have 3 boys, ages 7,5 and 4. Last summer (while he was with some one else) we decided that it was best for us to seperate. I went to my parents for a few days with the boys and apon my return I was ready to move out, but much to my surprise he asked that we try and work things out. It took him several days to end things with her. (now I know that they still talked now and then) But we started to mend our relationship. We went to a counceling session and the councelor saw a great need to meet with him. He was not against the idea, but he never followed up because the office never had conveniant appointment times and he was never willing to take time off from work since he had just started this new job. Any way, things had been ok until about 2 weeks ago. A person can tell when things are just not right with their spouse. He bagan to act distant and uncaring again. We spoke and he claims there in no one else,but that the problem is (which I have heard before)he feels that he can never really love me the way I want a man to. That he should not have doubts about us and that he should not feel like he is missing out on life because he is with me. Because we were married at such a young age he feels like he has missed out on life. <BR>I am angry about this attitude because I feel like he is a quiter. I am younger than he is and I know what my responsibilties are and that is that. We enjoy doing things together and he feels like he has a problem and needs to talk with someone, but has not tried to contact any one. How do I go on?

Welcome <B>JET</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>As far as counseling... absolutely...<BR>...and as far "scheduling problems"...<BR>I would recommend that you have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$95US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)!<P>Do look at the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4120_lovebustq.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters Questionnaire</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4110_emndsq.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs Questionnaire</A>...<BR>Both will help you before you meet with any of the Harley's...<BR>...and then he can find out exactly what it takes to be the man you need!<P>Stay here... and ask away...<BR>...you are not alone!<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

JET<BR>What concerns me in your post is not the reference to numerous affairs...which is very destructive in an of itself....but the reference to escalating physical abuse. This is one situation where I believe every one of us will agree - you must first and foremost protect yourself and your children. There is too much at risk here. You can't begin to deal with affairs if your husband is abusive to you. And statistics show that if he is abusive to you, he will most probably begin abusing the children as well.<P>Run, don't walk, to the nearest help for battered wives. Insist that your husband get into counseling on his own for the abuse problem. When that is being addressed with real positive progress being evident, then you can being to think about dealing with the affairs.<P>Unfortunately you married with two strikes against you....young age and pregnancy. This doesn't mean you can't salvage and rebuild your relationship, but it adds to the list of issues to be dealt with and creates more of a struggle.<P>Please, please don't waste any time getting help!<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

I too believe you should not stay if he is being abusive physically. As far as mising out on life that is what I'm dealing with. My wife thought she was missing out on things and that she didn't have the right feelings for me. I'm trying to show her that marriage can be just as rewarding as being single and partying all the time. Hang in there as long as he doesn't harm you or your children.

I'm glad you found this site. Don't hesitate to post as much as you want. We all help each other. I am concerned about the abuse you mention. If he is abusing you, then he will need to seek help. That should not happen. You should get the books His Needs/Her Needs, Surviving An Affair, and I'd also suggest Divorce Busters and the Light Her Fire/Light His Fire books.<P>Lots of people don't feel they love their spouse the right way, but upon learning about what makes love stronger, and upon learning to meet each others needs, they find that the love becomes better than ever. It would be nice if your H could get involved in this site and/or the books too.<P>Take care and keep us posted. The stuff that NSR has posted to you is the place we all start. Read as much as you can. You'll learn alot.<P>

Please continue to post here, we are all here to help and some people may even be in the same boat as you or have been in your shoes once. Another good book is Private Lies by Frank Pittman. This book describes the different kinds of affairs and how to work thru them. I will pray for you and your children. Sometimes we just want love even if it is bad love and we need to recognize what is healthy and unhealthy....I do not have children but was in an abusive relationship, my H rescued me from it and now he is rescueing OW. I was putting up with the hurtful things my H was doing these past couple of months because it was some form of contact from him even though it was bad and hurtful. Please seek counseling dealing with abuse as well as infidelity.