I was on Plan B. H has lived with OW (27 yrs younger than he is) for 3 months now. H and I own business together and H has been spending less and less time there until this month he virtually spent no time there, while spending company money to support himself and OW, giving her and her H's brothers and their girlfriends (?) large sums of money, buying himself "toys", paying his rent and his bills, etc. <P>Finally last week, on advice of Steve Harley and others, I spoke with corporate atty and took over management of the business. H flipped out, kicked in my door (I called 911 and he was stopped and warned only). Yesterday, he attended monthly meeting at work and afterwards talked to me. He begged me to keep his job (I agreed but asked him to show up) and said it was ok, for now, for me to manage business and money (I changed all bank accts, cancelled credit cards and charge accts so he no longer has access to any money but his paycheck). He also said he's thinking about leaving OW and thinking about trying to reconcile with me. He hates Plan B because he was happiest when he could have his cake and eat it too. He's ashamed of himself infront of our employees, but blames me for that, nothing is his fault, he didn't do anything to deserve what's happening to him. <P>Today we spoke individually with Steve Harley. Steve actually said things were looking good. He thinks H may have chemical imbalance rather than substance abuse problem. The rest of the day it sure seemed that way. He jumped from sad and depressed, worthless and embarassed, to angry, self-righteous, paranoid, and threatening (law suits), to happy and wanting to have sex with me. It was a difficult day to say the least. I'm wishing now for the relative calm of Plan B again...

Hi Letstry:<P>Just wanted to jump in a give you a little boost. I've been where you are...owned a business together and having to basically run it yourself while WS is off doing his thing with OW and spending part of your money to do it. Makes you want to pull your hair out doesn't it...or at least pull out OW's hair? If your OW is like mine she's thinking she's found a "birdnest on the ground" and she's making the most of it. I applaud what you've done to protect yourself.<P>Just wanted to tell you that it will get better...this extreme craziness won't last...but not without causing some real damange to your business and reputation. I have never understood why for some WS this irrational behavior is part of the process. It's almost as if they've lost their minds.<P>Please know that after the glow began to wear off the A (about 6-9 months) he began to revert back to his old self (although can't say he seemed to be very sorry about anything he had done). Please take my advise and make sure he is totally through with this OW and his irrational behaviors before you take him back. It is tempting to take him back but wait until he shows signs that he really is ready to recommitment to you and restoring your marriage. Keep up the counseling too.<P>I'll be checking back to see how you're doing.<P><BR>Angels and Prayers - Faye <P><BR>

Buffy, Thanks for your support. Did you know I'd be wavering? wanting to just believe that everything's more alright than it is?<P>Today, H and I and our maintenance man had to do a big shopping excursion for business supplies - I had to go because I'm the only signer on the checks now. H decided to ride with me. I'd spoken to Steve Harley early this a.m. and he said to do Plan A until we talk to him again next Wednesday, but to minimize contact as much as possible.<P>H was boiling over with rage within a few miles from home and blaming me for everything wrong in his life. I said what Steve told me to say - "Please don't yell at me. Please don't hurt me." He wouldn't stop so I turned around and told him I'd drop him wherever he wanted but I couldn't ride with him for an hour this way. He screamed that he wouldn't say anything else. I said I couldn't handle silent hostility either and kept driving. Finally he asked me to pull over and talk. Then he apologized, reved up again, laid his head on my lap, told me he thought he could stop loving me by moving out but it didn't work. I told him I love him. He wanted to have sex. I told him no, because he's told me before that he doesn't feel right "cheating" on OW with me (!). I've held him off for a few days, but this time I finally gave in. Yup, in the car, behind an abandoned building, like a teenager. Low and behold, he was nice to me the rest of the day. Called me this evening to say he loves me and had a fun day with me, on his way home to OW . <P>So why am I shaking and depressed now? I wonder. I told him what this does to me and how it's easier to just not see him. The kids (all teenagers) have even yelled at me in the past for having sex with him while he's living with OW. But, on the other hand, the personality change afterwards was a relief.<P>Although virtually everyone supports my decision and my actions, I crumble under the onslaught of his anger and even more when he tells me how much he loves me. Master manipulator or manic-depressive? He has an appt with a psychiatrist for an evaluation on Tuesday.<P>

Far be it for me to contest the wisdom of Steve H, but your husband sounds completely messed up and needs Plan B. <P>He doesn't know what he wants, what he thinks, what he feels, etc.. he's in a very deep fog.<P>However, IMHO you need to cut him off. No more sex. He needs to be alone to live with himself and get a serious reality check. It will be one painful experience for him that will shake his very core. But it sounds to me that he needs it.<P>Unless there's stuff I don't know and that's more than likely, he sounds like the kind of person that needs to be shocked into reality.<P>Personally, I would want him out of the business. I am a business person and frankly all this disrupts everything.. it's best left for after work. If he wants to do work.. fine, but I'd have him do it from home.<P>Anyway, I could just be way off base here but good luck with your counseling.<P>I hope it works out for you!!!<P>K<P>

LetSTry,<P>It really does sound as if your husband has some mental health issues - bipolar and maybe more! The personality changes must be scary...<P>Don't second-guess or punish yourself for going along with him ... I'm not saying that you should do whatever he wants, but if you DO, then don't be kicking yourself - what's done is done and cannot be undone. It's far better to plan for next time than to wallow in that regret.<P>Just take it easy until you know more about what might be behind his behavior issues. Then take it from there.<P>I know, easy for me to say... <P>We're pulling for you!<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Karl, Thanks for your advice - same advice my lawyer gave me. I told him I was waiting to talk to counselor (Steve H) on Wednesday. He said it's my life and he hopes he's wrong.<P>Terri, Thanks so much for your kind words. I know the tendency to beat myself up and second guess myself just make things worse.<P>Today, I had to go to a funeral in the morning. At the last minute, my H asked me if I wanted him to go with me. I said yes. We talked for a long time today. First time we've gotten along since August when we weren't just being totally superficial. We talked about our issues, each focusing on ourselves, rather than each other. We went out to lunch and ran into OW's mother, who's the same age as my H!<P>Later he called me, while on a shopping excursion with OW, to tell me he can't take this anymore, can't even talk to OW, and wants me to show him tomorrow, the No Contact letter in SAA. Said again and again that he loves me. <P>Things are happening too fast to trust them. I'll see what happens tomorrow. As long as there seems to be progress I want to just maintain a holding pattern as far as the business, legal separation, etc.