My H had a pet name (also part of his secret e-mail address so he could contact OW) that the OW called him (Tigger, her e-mail was Tigger_Tamer - ouch). We have been in recovery about 5 weeks now. He has recently started saying again "I R Tigger" as he used (before I knew anything and they were actively involved). Should I ignore this hurtful reminder of his A and go with it....buying Tigger items and allowing/participating with the playful Tigger comments/actions? H has asked me to change some things (perm my hair, try to enjoy sports with him, work out with him) that I know are related to the OW (she had long curly hair, they worked out regularly together, she was a baseball fan). When I comply, I feel a lack of respect for myself because I am willing to try and be like her to keep him happy....yet he says that she made him happier than he has ever been and that she provided everything he had ever wanted(ouch again). How do you compete with the PERFECT WOMAN (for him anyway, which is what he says she was). Any comments/suggestions? Thanks! <P>------------------<BR>Blessings, RavensLady

The things he's got you doing are not related to the OW, they are related to <I>needs</I> of his that the OW was meeting. So don't be insulted by them, just learn to go along with them if they're otherwise not objectionable.<P>As for the Tigger stuff ... ask him to bury it because of its bad associations for you. That's a <I>need</I> of yours that <I>he</I> needs to meet. Association with a cartoon character is not fundamental to anyone's personality (except maybe its creator).

That is a hard one. I know in Plan A we are supposed to work on our LOVE DEPOSITS for spouse but by changing yourself to be like the OW is not something i could personally do. Yes, i will meet your needs to the best of my ability but changing my hair in no way reflects your EMOTIONAL need for our marriage to work. If it is a physical characteristic that you feel comfortable with doing then fine do it, but don't do it because the OW had curly hair too. That is giving him mental reminders, and there should be only 2 people in the marriage, don't allow the OW continue to be the third by doing EVERYTHING that she did. You will only LOSE YOURSELF.

I hate Tiggr. That is my H and OW secret character, only it is not a secret.<P>At first he told me the guys at work call me tigger because I am so happy. BUll....<P>Everytime I see that stupid orange creature now, it reminds me of her. My kids love tigger because Daddy loves tigger. OUCH!

The OPs of this world do not meet all the needs of the WS otherwise the WSs would be gone sooner. Obviously, they get the fun stuff. My vote is to let them have the rest of the stuff (dirty laundry, bad habits, junk mail, etc). <P>Secret names, codes, phone numbers, voicemails, e-mails, sneaking around, presents, special meeting places, special foods, etc. are all temporary since they don't have history together, they gotta make the stuff up. <P>On the other hand, it is not fair to the good things in life to have to live with the tarnished reputation due to the OP & WS's antics. Tiggr or any other object was not put here to threaten us, I think we need to refocus on the real cause and not what is left over. If the WS and OPs of this world could redirect our anger to an object, place, thing or other persons, they will have accomplished what they set out to do, divert attention from themselves. <P>Focus on the real culprit not the innocent ones. <P>L.<BR>

I hear what some people are saying here that Tigger and curly hair aren't the real issue, but I would feel like you do in your situation. Getting involved in sports sounds like an EN that you might want to try to meet, but changing your appearance to look more like OW is not an EN, IMHO, and neither is Tigger. I wouldn't try to prevent him from his Tigger obsession, but I would respectfully refuse to participate.