ItÕs my house, my children & IÕll do whatever I have to, to ensure IÕm doing everything I can to raise them in a way I see correct.<P>So tonight I was in my 15 year olds bedroom. Her journal was there open. I looked at it and sheÕs talking about getting drunk (ItÕs okay now because IÕm more responsible) at a party & making out with some guys.<P>I went & picked her up at her friends house and on the way home I asked her about it. She got pissed off & expected me to Òget in troubleÓ because I invaded her privacy. She was all upset and asked if she could call Mom. I told her fine, but I would call (because of wankboy answering. She has NO reason to interface with him, even in the smallest way). He said hello & I said let me speak to my wife. He said what? & I repeated let me speak to my wife.<P>Thought about saying a few things along the lines of, ÒyouÕre not only a wife/mother stealer, but youÕre an idiot too?Ó But I didnÕt.<P>So the wife talked with my daughter for about 20 minutes & then I got on. It got elevated (both of our doing. She said, Òsee, youÕre just like your DadÓ and Òyou always yell at them everydayÓ and Òyou did things like this as a kidÓ etc. I responded, Òat least IÕm here & love them enough to be their parent in every way, everyday!Ó Anyhoo, after a bit I noticed it steamrolling so I finally, Òthis is about her getting drunk & nothing else.Ó<P>She said goodbye, she would call tomorrow to see what was decided and I hung up. She called back a minute later & spoke to my daughter again for a few more minutes.<P>She hung up & we talked a bit. According to her, I should get ÒpunishedÓ for reading her journal. Sorry, I donÕt see it that way. I donÕt just go digging around looking for her journal or snooping. If something is out & about I may glance at it, but it is my job as a parent.<P>Comments?<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

It is amazing how absentee mothers seem to think it is ok that their kids are doing stuff that is stuff parents don't generally want their kids to do!<P>I remember I wanted to keep a diary as a child and because my mother said she would have to have a key to it, I decided best not to keep one at all. Actually, this might be a similar lesson for your daughter: Never put anything down on paper that you don't want everyone else to see...<P>Having no kids makes my advice somewhat questionable, perhaps, but my own parents were relatively strict, and I tend in that same direction. This is not about you - it is about her doing things that could get her into some serious trouble. Her response to the issue sounds similar to what her mother has done: placed blame on you for something to deflect it from herself. If you had overheard her say it to a friend on the phone, would she believe you should be punished for listening?<P>I'm sorry, but, you're the father and she's the daughter. Privacy is a relative term when there are dangers involved in what the child is doing. She needs to be held accountable no matter how you found out. If you feel at all badly for reading her journal while it was there for you to see, then perhaps AFTER she has been made accountable, the two of you can NEGOTIATE the privacy issue, keeping in mind that you are the dad!<P>Sorry for rambling... it's way past my bedtime, but I just HAD to respond to your post.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Yes Chris, she has a right to privacy. As soon as she turns 18, graduates gets a job and her own place that is . You should MYOB, and your girls are your own business !<P>I went through a thing like this with son, when he was younger he left cards and letters laying around the house, in the open and threw a fit if I picked them up and read them. Samething if I went in his room to do something and spotted something that I thought I needed to check out. <P>As you said you are her parent, and you are responsible for doing your best to see that she doesn't get involved in things that are illegal, dangerous, or hamful. Underage drinking is all three. <P>I think she should be made aware of that and that anyone you find out is supplying her with alcohol will have charges filed against them. Someone had to provide the booze. <P>You w is dead wrong not to support you in this. Now your daughter knows that if she gets angry or upset with you all she has to do is call her Mom and complain. Not a good idea , that starts the playing one parent against the other thing. really not a good idea.<P>I know it's had when your kids don't like you because you are doing what is for their own good. But keep it up, one day when they have kids they will understand. And maybe they will be thankful that you cared enough to check. I know I am to my Mom as much as I hated it then.<P><P>------------------<BR>Deb<P>Hepatitis C, Please educate yourself ! <A HREF="http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In" TARGET=_blank>http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In</A> memory of a very dear friend <A HREF="http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp" TARGET=_blank>http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp</A>

Chris, <BR>I haven't posted in a while but your thread got me to come out of lurking.<P>First off, if she is leaving the journal out in my oponion she is asking someone to read it. As much as she might feel you invaded her privacy if she didn't want you to read it she would have put it away. <P>If you've ever read my past posts you would know not only did I search my D's room(shes 15 too) I went so far as getting in touch with the right authorities last year when I didn't like things I was finding and the look of her when she arrived home from school. My daughter wound up getting suspended from school along with a bunch of others due to things she had written down. As far as I'm concerned its a parents right until the child is of age and living on their own. <P>I have been through this searching again in the past few weeks. I'm recovering from major surgery and was in the hospital for 2 1/2 days. When I came home to find my D with cut marks on her one arm I started my searching again. She told me it was scratches from the dog and I didn't believe her, not only did I search her room but the computer too and I found she had an online journal and I read it and realized what I knew was true actually was. <P>You have to do as a parent what you feel is right. But on the other hand you need to sit and have a good one on one with her to find out why she wants to do the things she is writing. If she doesn't want to talk to you then counseling might be in order. <P>I've gone the counseling route with my D and its not helping becasue she won't open up to the counselors but I keep taking her and hoping that she will see she needs this in order to get better and what it is thats triggering her to do these things. <P>Be tough and strong as the parent and then give her a hug and tell her you are only doing this because you love her so much and want the best for her. Wishing you the best in your situation. <P>falsely accused

Hey Chris,<BR>You did the right thing. That is one reason I don't mind cleaning my 14 yo daughter's room. She too leaves notes lying around. Last year she received a pornographic email that I found by looking in her mailbox. She too was pissed. She now only uses IM so I can't check on what going on there.<P>We are going thorough something now regarding going a certain place. I spoke with her mother and she agreed. The issue came up again and mother changed her mind so I was in the middle again. We were able to come up with a suitable compromise.<P>During our "discussions" my daughter told me she had "rights." I told her, her only right was that I didn't lock her up in her room till she was 32.<P>Hang in,<P>Bob

I've been in your daughter's shoes. There are two ways of looking at this. If you looked at her diary because you are concerned about her daughter and you two have a good father/daughter realtionship than I can see your motive.<P>HOWEVER-my father snooped into my life because he wanted to find stuff out about my mother (my mom left my dad for another man-neither of them bothered to return home and left me there ALONE!!! the only time they returned was to use me for info-pretty sick-I was only 15 yrs old)This time in my life has come back to haunt me 15 years later...<P>Please make sure you are looking at this diary for all of the right reasons. Even though children are young they still know what is going on...<P>I had to respond because this is a delicate issue that is personal to me....

Chris, I would only read my 15 year old's diary if I was concerned...and with a 15 year old having a burgeoning social life, it's pretty easy to be concerned. <P>I usually try to get the info out in conversation, rather that revealing any snooping--even if inadvertant. And I would almost call an open diary inadvertant...man, are we made of steel? Other wise I use direct questioning if she stonewalls me.<P>And...Guard and I had some very misspent youthful days, we're glad we survived them, we don't say to the other...well the kid can do it because I/You did. The death toll of friends tells us life wasn't harmless then, and it is less so now. Your wife lost a few beans on that one.

Chris,<P>Well, I have three children, 14, 18, 20. Been there done that. I will say this, you have every right to look anywhere you want in your house for anything that maybe harmful to your children. Period end of story.<P>In fact, if the parents of the boys involved in the HS shootings in CO. had done that many children would be alive and unharmed today. You might want to point this out to D. Of course being 15, she won't understand.<P>I would suggest the following. I would suggest that you sit down with her and explain your point of view. That her safety, protection, and rearing are your job. That is JOB with all that it entails. Tell her you are bound to do this morally and legally.<P>You would like nothing better than for her to love you, like you, be joyful around you, and be perfectly safe and healthy. But unfortunately as a parent you have to do your job and the last two items on that list are the most important. Tell her you love her dearly but you will be a parent. It is the job you got when she was conceived.<P>She will get that job soon enough. <P>I will tell you this. If you were to say all I have mentioned and more, you will at best get a grudging response. Mostly you will get ignored or something childishly spiteful from her. The trick is to be postively relentless. No matter what you are the parent and you will be. The consistentcy will show more than anything.<P>Good luck. Don't you just love having kids right now? Do talk with her, tell her you love her, but you are going to do your job, so that she can grow up and make her own decisions.<P>I know I have rambled, probably have not said a thing of use to you or your daughter, but do keep being a parent and smile at her, she needs to know you love her.<P>I will tell you something I do know. Teenagers require more time and effort, need more attention, than babies. The problem is that they don't want to admit it. My W and I found that the secret was to be around them as much as possible and just listen, or in your case watch. YOu found valuable information just sitting on the bed. Be there for them, that is all you can do.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

I agree with JL, teenagers take lots more time than babbie & of course they don't really want the extar time. I search my son's room quite a bit, but only becuase by accident I found some things I didn't like.<P>Think he hides things better now but he knows I care, I love him, I worry, & I pray for him. <P>

Your daughter and your wife think YOU should be punished for reading her journal?<P>Who is the parent and who is the child here?<P>I agree with everyone else...your first priority is your daughter's health and safety and snooping is definitely your obligation!

Hey Chris,<P>This is what I would have done. I have kids 19 and 15. They are my responsibility no matter that the law says that the 19 y/o is legally an adult. Youre GD right I would have read it. <P>I would have absorbed the material I found and brought it up in a round about way. Hey, we're just chatting about stuff here, right?<P>This is the approach I used when I found out that my oldest started smoking. It worked pretty well. Of course, it doesn't help that the old man smokes. Ok, so kill me.<P>I will be concerned what my children do in their lives up to the point where I am dead for two years.<P>Just my opinion here folks.<P> <P>------------------<BR>"It's not over till we say it's over! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? H*ll no!" Blutto...Animal House 1984<P>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic

Terri, kids or not, let me know what you think. Thanks.<P>Deb, of course she is wrong to NOT support me in this. But whatya gonna do?<P>falsely accused, I have tried the counseling thing with her also, but she too wonÕt open up to the counselor. She gets EXTREMELY pissed off at me if I even bring it up.<P>Bob, I did talk to her about trying to get me and mom to be on different sides but she says she doesnÕt do that. SheÕs 15 & thatÕs all there is to it.<P>Trs, I understand the privacy issue and why she thinks she ÒentitledÓ to her rights. DonÕt know if you know my story, but my wife left 2 years ago & hasnÕt been back since. I donÕt need to snoop on her to find out anything about mom Ôcause she doesnÕt know much. The only reason I have snooped (on very rare occasions) is to see if she is okay in her life (friends, sex, drugs, school, etc) I was young once too & I know what I did but I am now a parent. Big difference between what one (me) did in the past and what one (mom) is doing now.<P>Lor, again, itÕs not like it is a daily occurrence. Only been a few times in the last 2 years. Looking to see if she has written ANYTHING about her feelings towards mom since she hasnÕt said anything to me about it.<P>JL, yeah, I do sit down & explain exactly what I was doing and why. To look out for her welfare, etc. But you know how 15 year old girls are. IÕll keep at it.<P>AARRGGHH!! There, now I feel better.<P><BR>Medic, That is why I quit smoking. <P>I was telling my wife that at least I stuck around to have to deal with the kids, good or bad. She said something to the effect of, ÒitÕs really so difficult, isnÕt it?Ó<P>Thinking back now I should have/could have said, ÒIt must be rough. You couldnÕt stick around to do it.Ó But I guess IÕm not that much of a [censored]. I do feel good that I was able to change the direction of the conversation back to the drinking and not Òis.Ó<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Hi Chris, <P>You are responsible for your daughter's actions and welfare. She is living in your house. Anything she owns is due to your having provided it to her. She is entitled to a roof over her head, an education, a safe home, 3 squares a day, love, your time and interest, decent (not expensive) clothes, and visits as needed to doctors and dentists.<P>She is not entitled to an apology from you for reading her diary. <BR>1. She left it out in the open<BR>2. She wrote about doing risky and illegal activities, the consequences for which YOU as her only responsible parent (forget her mother; she's gone for the past 2 years) have to pick up the mess for.<P>There are consequences to drinking. It lowers your inhibitions and suspends your critical judgment. It makes it easier to agree to or initiate sex.<P>When her reputation is in shreds, and she wants to go out with a nice boy, he will have heard about how "easy" she is. If he's a straight arrow, he won't want to get serious with her, take her to the prom as his date, or bring her to a family barbecue. That will hurt her.<P>If she gets pregnant as a result of drinking and having sex, you'll be holding her head while she vomits over the toilet bowl and holding her hand while she sits in the waiting room of the OBGYN office. Your medical insurance will pay for her abortion or delivery, depending on the decision. <P>If she gets chlamydia (SP?) or other STD, your insurance coverage will get her well again. If she has sex and gets an STD with no present cure, well, Daddy will be holding her hand and mopping up the mess then too. <P> If she gets in an auto accident with a drunk driver, who's she gonna call from the ER to pick her up? <P>When her grades suffer and she can't get into a decent college, who's going to see the pain on her face as the letters of rejection come to your home?<P>She is a CHILD, a minor, a legal infant. Of course she can't think of the larger picture. You are doing the right thing. We need more adults like you parenting their offspring instead of trying to be their "best friends."<P>Her Mom is already a washout. She left a marriage and family for a stud. Of course she won't have a firm stance about parenting. How much time can she spend thinking about it? <P>By telling you you should apologize for reading your daughter's diary and being more concerned about THIS than about the fact that her daughter is off track, she shows how lacking in common sense and parenting instinct she is. (Having abandoned her daughter was an earlier clue.) <P>By siding with your daughter, she scores points with the kid in an easy way. There's no effort or sacrifice here; she just high-fives the kid for taking one step down the road Mom has already hiked on for years. It bonds them and makes Mom less the "bad one" because she's supporting bad behavior by your daughter.<P>When one of your parents does something bad, something that you're ashamed of, you sometimes immitate that behavior as a way of making your parent not so bad. Do you understand? (I can give you a specific personal example by e-mail if you don't know what I'm talking about.)<P>I've run off on the keyboard again. Sorry it was so long.<P>Once again, you're a good Dad. Don't cave in. Your daughter has only one real grownup parent.<P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess<p>[This message has been edited by Bellevue (edited March 03, 2001).]

Chris:<P>Maybe your daughter should read a printout of Belle's post. I agree 100%. Even in the context of something this serious, <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Having abandoned her daughter was an earlier clue.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>just made me smile... clue indeed. <P>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die

Belle, As a matter of fact, yesterday we were talking & i I did tell her, “first & forI am your friend yes, but first & formremost I am your father & I will do WHATEVER I have to to do to ensure I raise you as best I can and keep you safe & ytttry & instill the values which I see as inimportantimportant.!”<P>I did tell her I am not going to apologize for reading it because it was not wrong,. <P>Trying to get a point across to a 15 year old is next to impossible, but l’ll keep trying.<P>(A bit of psycho-babble here...)<BR>After thinking about it for a while, I think possibly she wanted to call mom because;<BR>1. Mom does not show much interest in them except for calling on occasion.<BR>2. Mom left 2 years ago & hasn’t been back to see them.<BR>3. She (my daughter) has not expressed much positive/negative ANYTHING about her except that I should have divorced her 18 months ago.<P>So now she is (maybe?) reaching out to mom and wanting to know; “WHY DID YOU LEAVE MOMMY?“<P>I can explain to her ‘till I’m blue in the face, but EVERYONE that knows about her leaving, the first thing they have said is, “<B>She left the children?</B>”<P>She told me & them that she left because she didn’t want to be married to me. Explain to a child why mom isn’t even in town. Of course she left because she is having an affair & it means more to her than even her own children. Aren’t parents supposed to be perfect (or at least love their children?) in the eyes of their children?<P>Trying to get all of this across to them is like trying to get any of it across to their mom. All I can do is be a good father to them. In the end I will be very happy with what I have accomplished & I know my children will be better of for it.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>In the end I will be very happy with what I have accomplished & I know my children will be better of for it.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I don't think there's any question of that. <P>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die

I concur! You have been amazing throughout these last two years. Continue to take care of you and those kids and best wishes to you all.