I read your post from several days ago. Your sitution sounds similar to mine and several others. <P>My h moved out 18 months ago and has promised many times that he is moving home and changed his mind several times also. He also promised our children and broke their hearts when he didn't move home.<P>He moved in and out several times before his permanent move to the apartment he is in now.<P>According to him he doesn't believe that he will ever regain feelings of passion for me and that is why he won't move home and try. <P>In my situation, the ow was not out of the picture as he stated. He had been lying to both of us. He was telling her that we were divorcing and me that he was moving home this past January.<P>In January his whole world exploded when I called the ow. The last I heard she had ended with him because of all of the lies. She thought she had a future with him.<P>After sixteen months of him having his cake and eating it to we have gone to plan b. It is not as strict it should be as we have to communicate about our children and he is the coach of their teams and I am the team mom.<BR>However, he does not have a key to our house, he has a biweekly amount he must give me to pay bills and he sees the boys 1-2 nights a week and every other weekend in addition to practices and games. <P>I failed at many attempts at plan b in the past but am sticking with this one. It is helping me as I don't have to deal with his coming and going any more. It is much easier having a shedule like this in place. Perhaps it is easier because as far as I know ow is out of picture and h has to deal with reality without either of us. <P>My h too is probably in withdrawal from ow. Major!!!! I am hoping that she will stick to her word and stay out of his life so the thick fog encircling my h will dissipate and he will see what he is about to lose.<P>You said in one of your replies that you would be talking to the Harleys this week. Would you mind sharing their advice?

Hi Hoping,<P>I assume you were posting to me, elo. <P>I read and printed your post. Also, printed your response on Plan A board. Will read and respond in detail later.<P>REading all of these histories brings home to me:<BR>1. So many people in similar/same boat as me.<BR>2. The dynamics is an affair goes much deeper than I naively realized.<BR>3. Feelings I am having are validated by many bspouses.<BR>4. Patterns of behavior of wspouses is validated by what I am reading.<P>I have read many books on affairs and infidelity. I can only imagine where we would be if I had educated myself on them sooner. I wouldn't have let the ow bother me. I have gone through the "obsession stage". Just barely coming out of it because of my readings. <P>Still, I am reluctant to be too hopeful.<BR>I have low expectations. Even with no divorce yet, I am afraid to become too hopeful. He has to be the one to want to come back and he has to feel that it is safe environment for him to try to return to.<BR>That is where I think the Harleys are helping me as well as other books, and a therpist I am seeing.<P>My story is posted under plan A-feb. 27.<BR>My roll call is under General questions-my mistake!<P>Thanks for sharing. I post later.<P>elo

Hoping,<P>I did talk to Steve this week and I thought for sure he would advise me to go to plan B. He mentioned it, but I think only to gauge my reaction. Then he spent a lot of time convincing me to stay in Plan A. <P>Most of his reasoning was based on having talked to my H 2 or 3 times in the last couple of weeks. Steve thought that he had introduced some new concepts to H that he was probably still thinking about even though he moved out again. I think the concepts he was referring to was how feelings can change if you follow the recovery plan, i.e. it is possible to deliberately fall back in love with your spouse if you are both making enough love bank deposits.<P>I'm not sure if these were new concepts for H or not, but I guess I'll follow Steve's advice for now. I'm not sure I'm strong enough for plan B yet anyway because I'm pretty sure it will make H really mad at me and I really, really hate that. <P>Steve did say that for the sake of the kids, not so much mine, I could ask H to commit to a visitation schedule so the kids will have some predictability. That is kind of an issue now because when H sees the kids totally revolves around his busy work schedule. I have no real life outside my 3 kids so we are always arranging our schedule to match his and he and I are always negotiating about the kids. When I don't agree to his wishes, I get "whacked" with comments like, "See, you're trying to control everything again and that is why I left." It's really a no win situation for me so we need a schedule.<P>I don't know if any of this information helps you, but if you have specific questions let me know. It sounds like plan B is helping you cope. I must admit I'm looking at it with more longing than before!