It’s been quite a while since I posted on this website because, quite honestly, I felt hard pressed to give advice when it looked like I was headed for divorce, even after 10 months of Plan A.<P>To briefly recap, We’ve been married 21 years. I’m 46 and my wife is 45. She had an affair with a much younger co-worker that started in Summer of 1998 and lasted about 1 ½ years before I discovered it through her emails in November of 1999. I discovered this website in December 1999 and began Plan A. <P>In April 2000, I began to take a mild, over-the-counter anti-depressant, SAMe. This helped minimize my anxiety immensely. We consulted both separately and individually with two other counselors and finally with Steve Harley. Unfortunately, her guilt and her uncertainty about breaking it off with the OM caused her to leave October 1, 2000. I continued to Plan A as I still saw the possibility of getting back together and I hadn’t completely made up my mind to go to Plan B. In this separation period, my wife finally accepted the fact that she was also severely depressed and began taking Zoloft. <P>In January 2001, I finally decided that I would give her 6 months, until the end of March 2001, to make a decision or move on to legal separation and Plan B. I made an appointment to talk with a mediator just to better understand the legal ins and outs of separation. Then the most amazing thing happened. Just two days before I was to see the mediator, she came over to the house and told me that the affair was completely over and that she was ready to talk about moving home. I’d told neither her nor anyone else about seeing a mediator. We did see the mediator together, but only for information. We gave it about three more weeks and she moved back February 17th.<P>I know there is still a recovery period we’ll need to go through and I also know there is still the possibility of a relapse. I right now, I am very hopeful that we’ll be able to make it. As it turned out, her OM told her at Christmas time that he had a new girlfriend and she is pregnant. My wife never mentioned that to me at the time, preferring to make sure he was out of her system before approaching me to come back.<P>I just want to thank everyone that’s given me advice over the past year. There are way too many good people here, that have helped when I needed it, to thank everyone individually.<P>I did want to give special thanks to NSR ,for his introductions to the site, links to information and many words of encouragement. <P>I want to thank SamH for his advice to minimize my outward feelings of depression and sadness to try and help my wife realize that she hadn’t hurt me so deeply that no recovery was possible (the SAMe helped here). Also, Sam’s advice to try and detach myself emotionally from my wife‘s actions was invaluable. <P>I want to thank Lostva for her inspiration, words of advice and an example of what’s possible. Also, for making me laugh about the meaning behind PT. Poptarts and Bacon will never be the same.<P>Last, I want to thank Steve Harley for making the Marriage Builders website possible and for his excellent advice to my wife and myself.<P>In summary, I think I can give some general advice at this point.<P>1) Read the Harley literature and the other recommended books on this site. You can’t have too little information when trying to decide what to do. It also helps to give you some feeling of control over a mostly uncontrollable situation. I don’t agree with all of the Harley literature (I still feel having some separate hobbies as well as ones that are shared is important) but in general, I liked his approach.<BR>2) Follow Plan A as long as you can before going to a Plan B. You’ll be surprised at the effect it has on your spouse and others.<BR>3) Don’t be opposed to taking anti-depressants. Having a clear head when making decisions is very important.<BR>4) Emotionally detach yourself from your spouses actions as much as possible.<BR>5) Try to remain optimistic and hopeful. Visit the website often. Ask questions. <BR>6) Don’t forget that even if things don’t work out with your spouse, there was a time in your life before your spouse came along, that you were happy and that you will find that happiness again.<P>Tom<BR>

Tom,<P>Congratulations for lasting...<BR>...you are a true Plan A veteran...<BR>...and of course... there is more hard/rewarding work ahead of you. <P>You have my prayers...<P> <P>Jim

Congratulations, Tom---and as Jim says, there's plenty of hard (and rewarding) work ahead!<P>

Tom,<P><BR> Thank you for sharing your positive post!! Good luck to you and your wife!<P> beth