PLEASE tell me, how can I get my husband to participate in using Dr.Harley's Basic Concepts to help save our marriage? I REALLY feel very much that my most important EN are not being met, and our love unit supply is VERY low! I am almost ready to give up and he thinks I just want to "talk it to death" (his most recent A - the worst to date, he was EXTREMELY emotionally involved with the OW). HELP! I have asked him to read things I print out and he rolls his eyes, I have tries to discuss Dr.Harley's concepts and he rolls his eyes...I feel so unimportant and insignificant in our marriage right now....<P>------------------<BR>Blessings, RavensLady

Can you get him to call for telephone counseling? The Harleys present it more as them being a coach then true couseling. Or else there is getting him to call them to help you recover from this. <P>They told me to ask my H if he doesnt want to do what they suggest, then what is his plan for making sure this doesnt happen again. How does he plan to get passion back in your marriage? How does he plan to help you trust him again? <P>Maybe something along those lines may be helpful<BR>Lora

Well, you'll likely find that eyeroll described in one of John Gottman's books as well as the upcurled upper lip , described as two of the most corrosive of expressions of contempt, one of his four horsement of the marital apocalypse. It's gotta stop. And once he realizes that he's doing something specifically described as a marriage destroyer in a well-researched book, maybe you can get him to start to buy into the rest.

Thanks for your info! I am headed out the door to see what I can find at the bookstore. He just does not get it, he thinks I am trying to "talk" our relationship to death, what he does not realize is that he is going to end up "ignoring" our relationship to death. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Sisyphus:<BR><B>Well, you'll likely find that eyeroll described in one of John Gottman's books as well as the upcurled upper lip , described as two of the most corrosive of expressions of contempt, one of his four horsement of the marital apocalypse. It's gotta stop. And once he realizes that he's doing something specifically described as a marriage destroyer in a well-researched book, maybe you can get him to start to buy into the rest.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><P>------------------<BR>Blessings, RavensLady

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>He just does not get it, he thinks I am trying to "talk" our relationship to death, what he does not realize is that he is going to end up "ignoring" our relationship to death. <BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Very well said! I need to get that book too. Sisyphus, you've described how the Gottman book says stonewalling is often met with contempt. I get stonewalled on a regular basis. Even after recognizing what's happening, I still fall into the contempt mode. What is/are the more appropriate responses?

Say "Look, I see you tuning me out because it's too much for you. Why don't I give you a half hour break, and I'll come back with a better attitude and you'll come back more ready to address this. I know you want us to solve this and be happy, but it's hard for both of us and I recognize that." Set a timer (not one with an annoying signal), and come back to it. Maybe with an outline of where you'd like the conversation to go. Perhaps he can write down some ideas too.

RavensLady:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>PLEASE tell me, how can I get my husband to participate in using Dr.Harley's Basic Concepts to help save our marriage?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>A very effective way for you to get your husband to participate in this is by you using these concepts to work on your side of the marriage. Lead by example.<P>If you're familiar with the concepts, how are YOU doing with the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>Four Rules for a Successful Marriage?</A> Have you identified your lovebusters, and are you now protecting your husband from them? (will your husband fill out the lovebusters questionnaire?). Do you know what your husband's emotional needs are, and are you doing a great job at being an expert on filling those emotional needs? Do you spend quality time together (15 hours/week)? Are you completely honest with your husband, in a way that doesn't use lovebusters?<P>I highly recommend the counseling that the Harley's do (and it is a lot like coaching). In addition, if you're not completely familiar with the concepts, ordering the books Lovebusters, Give and Take, His Needs/Her Needs, and the 5 Steps to Romantic Love workbook would help you do a self-study course. There could be several reasons your husband isn't willing to do counseling: he may be completely satisfied with the marriage, he might think it's just a waste of time, or he might be afraid of being pegged as the "bad guy". There's no way to force him into this, so my advice to you would be to do an excellent job of "Plan A" (following the four rules) to show him that the marriage can change for the better (of course, you'll be doing all the changes). The best case scenario is that he sees the benefit to this and joins in. One of the benefits of counseling with the Harleys (888-639-1639 for appointments) is that Steve or Jenn will ask your husband for feedback on your progress; and that helps to get him involved (unsuspectingly) in the process.<P>If you do a terrific job of making your marriage a great place during the next 6-12 months, and you still see no progress in getting YOUR needs met, you would probably need to ask for a no-contact separation. That'll remove you from your husband's life, and it'll give him the dope-slap to see what he'll be missing should you leave for good. The only time you truly want to use this tool is when you're pretty sure that your leaving is withdrawing a terrific wife who he's going to really miss. If you're lovebusting daily, and you're not really meeting HIS emotional needs, he may see your departure as relief.