Unbeleiveable. He is planing on coming home. He didnt say it in so many words yet, but I know it is true. He said things about the house, he looked at my brake fluid, he took me on a date for brunch, then to his Moms! Then his sis came over and we all went to dinner.<P>He talked about moving the utility trailer home. ( When he moved out with his stuff in it he told his mom he would store it at a friends... 6 mo later its still in her driveway.<P>He talked to me 3 times this week and saw me 3 times. He hugged and kissed me more times then in the past 2 years.<P>I am in shock. It is really going to happen and I feel unprepared. I sat and looked at him and had a moment of wondering what I was doing. Then he hugged me and I remembered the good times again. But I am afraid of the work yet to come. I pray I will be able to speak from my heart of my new understanding of what it takes to make a marriage last and help him understand. I pray he will be able to make the break from OW and get through withdrawl. I wonder if we can handle it.<P>But I am here to say, the Harleys are right about affairs. I was not beleiving it would happen, I had been about to give up and now it is all moving way to fast for me to handle. I thought I would be OK alone, I was prepared for that. Now I have to shift to a couple again. Its scarey but exciting too.<BR>Lora

Lora,<P>I have read many of your post, especially to other people and I admire your courage. I don't know your story, but it sounds as if you have been waiting for this moment and have strong beliefs about marriage. I am happy that you are having this opportunity and pray for you that you get the desired results of your efforts.<P>In a sense you are lucky that you have had a long time to process all that has happened and where you stand on the issues. I believe that my H is willing to work on our relationship, but I just don't have any love left. It sounds as if you do and that is a wonderful thing! I am playing the waiting game to see if lightning strikes and I come to my senses. I just don't know if I am interested in making myself vulnerable to him again. Too much pain over the years and I don't necessarily believe he is capable of meeting my needs as he is quite a selfish person.<P>Seize the moment and do what it is you thought you would do. It sounds as if you had previously thought about this a lot...don't think about it now...just do it!!!!!<P>Good luck and keep us posted. I will be watching to see how you fare, LL

Lora,<P>What wonderful news. I think you made my day. You have been here a long time, I know, so you know how hard & long the road of recovery can be, but you can do it. Prayers for you & your H. May his withdrawal be short & you learn to trust again.

Dear Lora,<P>I am so happy for you and I might add, I am a bit envious.<P>So many times I have wished that my H had stayed gone, believe it or not. Gone, not as in forever, but long enough for both of us to have had time to really decide if this is what we want and need and to work on ourselves a bit longer.<P>Last night I stayed up late (feeling lonely and dejected), I watched a movie called "Someone to Watch Over Me", it is wonderful. It is about this cop who is put on private duty to watch over a wealthy woman who is being threatened by her x. The cop is, of course, blue collar, has a wife and young son. He ultimately has an affair with this OW, who is beautiful and rich and WANTS him and his wife suspects that he has been affected by this woman, therefore he, in so many words, admits to the affair. The wife, needless to say, is devastated and tells him she loves him and if he ever wants to come back she will not let him come back for little Tommy, his Italian mother, his home etc. She clearly states he is to come back when he wants HER. I, at that point, burst into tears, because this is exactly the scenario I had hoped for, but settled for much less of an obligation from my H. And now, short of one of us leaving again, this will never happen and I will never know if he in fact came back because he wants ME.<P>I think you have a good chance of never fearing this question, your situation sounds like a true love story to me. I am extremely happy for you. Your undying patience and perserverence will be justified. <P>It will be hard work for both of you. You have a lot of water to put under that bridge. But one thing you do have in your favor....He knows you can make it on your own laurels, girlfriend and that my dear has gained you more respect than anything else in this world. <P>Way to go... rent that movie, it is awesome!!!!<BR>Cathy

Lora,<P> This is truly unbelievable!!!!!!! I cannot believe you are writing about your H!!!!!! <BR> Your situation seemed so hopeless.I am happy for you!!!!!!!<P> Love and Prayers,beth

Lora - Smile and embrace the moment. You are wise to recognize the work ahaed. You can DO IT!! I am happy for you. Go slow.<P>Dave

Learning life,<P>Your post made me sad for you, and I know I am actually very close to that point myself. Have you counseled with the Harleys at all? I think we forget about the recovery part of their plan, I know I did. I was so focused on eneding the affair. But talking to Jennifer reminded me of the second part of their plan. Are you following it? Can you try some phone counseling? Because as it is meant to help your spouse fall back in love with you, it will help you fall in love with them too. You have come this far , dont just wait, you take some action too. {{{{{hugs}}}}}<P>Sing, thanks for the good wishes, my first thought were sharing my news with my friends here, cause I know you all understand.<P>Cathy,<BR> Men, somtimes I wonder why we want them at all. They can be so clueless cant they? I feel like I have a window to get things on the right tract here and if I dont, we will go back to our old ways. And I want more than that now. I hope I can get it from him. Somehow I feel more ready to handle this then him. I feel he would like to pretend it didnt happen and that will be that. <BR>Cathy, I am sure that you played a big part in his choice to come home. I'm sorry he cant show you that. Have you read the How 1 of you can bring the 2 of you Together book? It might be helpful to read again and see if there is anything else you can do.<P>Beth,<BR>I know, I know... unbelievable huh.<P>Dave,<BR>Thanks, but if I go any slower, I might be going backwards. <BR>Lora

{{{{{{Lora}}}}}}<P>You have helped me thru my struggles these past months. I am glad you are being rewarded for your hard efforts!!! My heart goes out too you and I will say a special prayer for you tonight because you are a wonderful person!!!!Please keep in touch with us here you give people like me hope....

Lora!!<P>WOW.. I'm speechless.<BR>I'm so happy for you.. maybe he hadn't contacted you for a long time when he moved out, so it was like kinda plan B? And I don't remember you ever LBed.. You were always there for him and he knew it and and you were never pushy.. I guess that helped him a lot... You earned this, Lora.<P>I know you two are going to have lots of work when you are in recovery, This is so great ! And you didn't have to move to divorce forum.. now you are moving to in recovery forum yey!<P>Meg

Trs,<BR>Well the only way this is happening is because of this board. If I had followed my oun instincts I would have nagged myself right out of any chance at this marriage. <P>Meg,<BR> Ya, but I always thought it looked like they had more fun on the divorce board <P>You know, my only regret is that I didnt let him leave the house when he first wanted to. That additional 3 or 4 months of him living here and haveing the affair were really damaging to me and I dont think they did any good as far as plan A either. But thats hindsite, I guess I wasnt ready at the time.<BR>Lora

Lora, I'm sure you are "more ready to handle this than him." You've spent the last 2 yrs reading, counseling, using this forum, hearing other people's stories, reaching out to them to offer your support and experience, learning about yourself and knowing you are okay alone. He, on the other hand has been in the fog of an affair. I know that even from the much shorter time I've been going through this than you, I'm way ahead of my H on this. When we talk, he tells me that he likes to hear what I have to say, especially re: the feelings he's now going through in thinking about leaving OW and beginning to face the results of his A - loss of respect of his family and employees, facing up to his irresponsible behavior at work, the hurt he has caused to the people who love him, etc. As far as "going slow" it kind of seems like they set the pace, just as they did when they left. Fortunately, I believe you have the tools to handle it.

YEAH LORA!!!!!!!!!!!!<BR>You go get em girl!!!! I can only hope and pray that my situation turns out as good! Keep us posted!<BR>Mike

<P>Lori

Hi Lora,<BR>Are you the Lora that answered Elo's post about communication with ws under conditions of affair?<P>I just read your post re: your h.<P>Wonderful news, and I am so happy for you. I felt your feelings as I read it. <P>Thanks for your replies to my post. I am trying to digest your comments and sugg.<P>Will post again. elo

It's been a while since I posted to you...<P>Congratulations... <P>Patience is still the watchword...<BR>...he has so much more learning than you...<P>Relapses unfortunately are all too common too.<P>Plan A away.<P> <P>Jim

Letstry,<P>I am having a hard time resisting educating him. I just hope I can get him to call the Harleys at some point.<P>Mbtrk,<BR>I hope everyones storys turn out well too. And that is what I like about the Harleys plan, we all do turn out to be better people and better at relationships with or without our spouses.<P>Lori,<BR> you will be happy to know that I followed the Lostva modification of the harleys planA. I want to be just like you when I recover.<P>elo, posted to you on your other thread.<P>NSR,<BR>You can see me getting a little axcited, I need the reminders not to push, not to educate, to just continue to be patient. GRRRRR. I know a relapse of him going back to the cold foggy person he was would devistate me at this point. Thanks for the reminders.<BR>Lora

Hi Lora:<P>Well, perhaps the long wait may have been worthwhile. You have been so patient with him...and endured so much. The lack on contact was scary enough without all the problems with the holidays. I often wondered if your H was keeping away because he was filled with quilt and uncertainty. Mine didn't have any trouble flaunting his OW in my face...he was so sure he was doing the right thing.<P>Anyway, remember these are baby steps, have patience, understanding and low expectations and prepare yourself for relapses like Jim said.<P>Last of all, don't let what has happened be a block to rebuilding your marriage...you have the skills now to build an entirely different kind of marriage...don't throw this chance away with recrimations.<P>I'm so happy for you and I wish you Angels and Prayers - Faye

Lora,<BR> You've been working hard for a long time now. Enjoy the present for a little while before you begin the hard work that will come in the near future. You deserve more than a few moments of peace and joy before the toil of reconstruction begins! Congratulations! See you on the recovery board.

Lora,<BR>What was Lostva's modification of Plan A? I see she is still around and alot of people have told me to follow "in her footsteps" Just curious??<p>[This message has been edited by Trs (edited March 05, 2001).]

Buffy, Good to see you posting more again, I miss your advice. <BR>I will try and follow it. He didnt call yesterday and I really didnt expect him to, but yet there was a part of me that was waiting for a call. Its so hard to keep those expectations down.<P>Mthrrbard,<BR>Thanks, I'm a little afraid to declair myself in recovery yet. I am enjoying the feeling that maybe I am not so unlovable and terrible after all.<P>Trs,<BR>You can try to look up old posts for Lostvas story. Her version was after her H had moved out she continued to plan A by writting little notes to him... just news around the house and family. She didnt push or call him that much, but if she saw him was pleasant. <BR>Lora