Dear friends<P>I have been out of contact for a while. After going to Plan B (six weeks) H approached me and said he wanted to work on our relationship. He wanted to take it slowly and spend w/ends together - which we did. Sleeping in spearate rooms. We had what i thought were positive discussions and we agreed we felt closer together than for a long time - we talked about how we ever got to be in this situation (which has been going on a bit over two years) and how we would take "baby steps" to learn to be together and how to meet each others emotional needs. <P>Then something went wrong about a week ago. I talked with him about what it might be - he told me he felt overwhlemed by the damage he had done to our "beautiful" relationship; when I asked if there was anything I could do to support him through this rough patch he replied along the lines that he really appreciated how much I was doing; and my love and support etc. etc. - he just needed to "sort himself out". Then yesterday I invited him to talk about some plans for his birthday (a big one!) - could we plan together for an overseas trip ?? He was unsure, said he needed to think about it etyc. <P>So today I snooped = first time in a long time - guess what; many calls to OW at home and at work; calls made from her suburb when he said he was out at dinner with clients[ and, on his e-mail evidence of planninh for an o/seas trip !! I was devastated = and angry at myself. How could I have been such a fool ? It feels like gooing back to day one! I honestly believed we were making good progress. So, in the early hours of this am (remember, he is in a separate room!) I got up and wrote another very simple Plan B letter - no accusations - just a simple statement about how I would like to feel I have done everything I could to let him know how much he is loved and admired (his ENs) - and that I wanted to always be his "best friend" (he says I am).- but that I would not have any further contact under these conditions - ie on-gpong contact with OW. We had arranged to spend the day with friends which we did - and when we got home I put the note on his desk; gave him a hug (which he returned beautifully) - and said "I have left you a short note telling you I aM leaving and will not be in contACT WITH YOU nd asking you not to contact me. He was dumbfounded and simply stood very still and said "OK"<P>That was it. Thankyou for reading this far. I needed to tell someone who would understand. I am at a friends house (he is overseas) -and feeling very alone - my friends and family would be sure to tell me they expected this. I didnt. I honestly felt we were doing really well after two years of horror - I even asked him yesterday was there anything he was withholding that he could share with me. His answer - "I am being honest with you"<P>I feel like I have fallen out of the sky. There is anly a phone call between me and the divorce papers.

Rose,<P>I am so sorry. Hang in there. If you need to vent, I am only an email away & close to the same timezone. Prayers.

Rose,<P>I was just thinking about you yesterday and wondering where you were at with H. I am so sorry to hear your news. I know from some of my own recent experiences how painful it is to be married to a man that can't get past his own weakness and selfishness to really work on making the marriage better, but then continues to waffle. Because of the waffling and generally nice behavior on their part, you feel like it is you throwing in the towel when you don't meet them at least half way on every turn. Of course then you expose yourself to the pain over and over again and they are never their to pick up the pieces.<P>Having written that, I can make the argument that we are all crazy to be trying so hard. But then you think about the good times, the commitment we have towards marriage, the love and care we still feel for H, the desire to be able to look back and say we did everything we could to save the marriage and here we are!<P>Good for you that you reacted quickly and went back into Plan B with no arguing etc. Go back to taking care of yourself. If he ever does want to reconcile again, put up some more hoops. Have your recovery plan in place before you commit (no contact in place, accountability for time, plans for meeting ENs etc.). If that sounds a little harsh, it is probably base on my recent experience of H coming back in Jan. and saying he was here forever and he knew it might take 1 or 2 years to get better, but he was committed. That lasted about 2 weeks, then he silently waffled for 2 more weeks, and then left saying he just didn't think his feelings for me were ever going to change. Boy that was a short 1 or 2 years! <P>In any event, Plan B for now and more protection for yourself if he comes around again. Hang in there. I know how devastating it is to get those hopes up and then have them dashed again!

Rosebrook,<P>I am so sorry you had to go through this, but please just go on with your Plan B and hang in there. I think from reading here and on the OW board that it is really difficult to end these things, and both the men and the OW somehow feel its oK to just do a little contact, they have to share some detail of their lives... the cat died, the storm , the favorite team winning, and they dont realize how important no contact is.<P>I think you did the exact right thing, you were doing a great recovery, your H could see how you were able to move on and change. Going to plan B will force him to take a good long look at what he is doing with OW and obviosly he didnt want her full time before. <P>When he talks to you agin you can be ready. To discuss the need for no cantact, for following the 4 rules, can you do phone counseling with the Harleys? <P>Dont give up, maybe he had to do this to be really over her, just be patient awhile longer. I think this maybe was a lesson he had to learn to be really ready to commit to you. <BR>Lora

Rosebrook, I know how painful the waffling behavior is, though I've spent only a short time going through it compared to you and many others here. I was also on Plan B when H began making overtures toward leaving OW and moving out. Now he talks about leaving her and coming home. Note he's still living with her. I am back on Plan A at the recommendation of Steve Harley (who'd also recommended the previous Plan B). When we're together things seem to be going well, just like you described, but when we're apart (most of the time) I feel the gnawing anxiety of waiting for the next shoe to drop as it has now for you. Hopefully, this is only a temporary setback. But you sound like a strong person who knows what she wants. I'll be thinking of you.

{Rosebrook}...<P>I'm sorry for the step backwarks...<P>I'm praying for you.<P> <P>Jim

Hi Rose:<P>Having been through coming and leaving several times I agree with everyone that you have handled this very well.<BR>The important thing to remember is that waffling means he's unsure and needs time to work things out himself. <P>Whatever the lure of the OW is, it is strong and difficult to break free of...althrough WS can really see that it is going nowhere. So in the bad times with OW he reaches out to you...his stability, his rock...for reassurance that he still has a place to fall back on. He may honestly think that the A is over and want to try and work on your marriage, but the lure is still there,,,only a phone call away. <P>So you have to break off contact again and leave him adrift in his own mess for another period of time. It is for the best although very difficult for you. The periods of recontact with OW become shorter and shorter and eventually he will be back again...perhaps this time really ready to reconcile. <P>Be strong and until then I send you Angels and Prayers - Faye

Dear friends - oh, how good you are. I thought tonight when I got home I was going to go crazy with the grief and despair - the gin bottle was very tempting!! I came here instead - and it is so reassurring that you - many of you long time friends by now - were here for me. So I cried and cried - the first time since I walked away; I needed to cry and I feel safe to cry with you. <P>Thankyou for your confirmation of what I did. I have wondered all day whether I should have tried to explain and to communicate better how I was feeling - but it has all been said already; we would just have been going over old ground; and I just could not bring myself to confront him with the most recent evidence of his lying and cruel deception. There wa too much anger and frustration in me; and I felt so humiliated; as though all the work I had contributed had just been thrown back in my face. <P>I wish I could tell him how I understand how difficult it is for him to get over OW; actually, come to think of it, I have. How, most of all I want him to be honest. His deception seems so cruel and so weak. Yet even know I love him enough to want to nurture us back together. <P>I guess i can just wait it out. In the meantime, one of the things I have learnt is that two of his younger male friends have each recently left their wife; and the three of them have been sharing a lot of time together; and they all have taken up with younger OW; hard to imagine someone like H subject to peer group pressure - but given that he has acted like a teenager through this why am I surprised ? <P>One of the things H said to me recently was that he finds it very difficult to come to terms with the fact that he has made such a fool of himself. Seems to me that a combination of lust, ego satisfaction, last fling before "old age", and a very available (and smart) young woman is just too much too resist. Is this really the man I married. To a person, our friends who know say (a) this is crazy - he loves you, he is so proud of you, he talks about yyou all the time and (b) he must be mad - and they are offended by his dishonesty - as much to them (he pretends nnothing is wrong) - as to me.<P>Well, I am babbling on; thinking out loud - and I know all the thinking in the world will not overcome this; the ball is well and truly in his court; and I fear that this time he will find it easier to walk away from it all - probably not to OW - but as he once described the possible future for himself - as a lonely old man - was she really worth all this devastation. I doubt it. But who am I to judge ?<P>thankyou again for being there for me - I sure need you.<P>R