What does it mean when your H says its over with OW, but he continues to defend OW. He can't seem to bring his self to say anything negative about OW. It's like he has her on a pedestal? He describes her as "very relgious" (though he hasn't attended chuch in the 20+ years we have been married!). I always ask him where was God in her thoughts when she was kissing him! She is also married with small childen. Is his defending her a sign that he still has feeling for her?

Dear Bluelou,<BR>I found this also w/ my W during the first few months after D-day. I had to realize they were "in love" emotionally speaking for all purposes. Remember early dating years. You saw all the good and nothing else. I brought this up, she agreed. My W and the OM had a emotional affair, some kissing, french type just once or twice, I caught the EA on email before it went into a Physical Affair. The euforia of endorfins that occure during those early days of romance just flat out block real thinking. It feels so good to be with this person, someone still thinks you're attractive other than your spouse.etc...feelings. <BR>anyway....I would say negitive things about the OM that I would discover during the early days of recovery and she would sound off in defense. I even intentionally said things and waited to see what response I would get. At time went on and I met her needs, thought and defenses about him went away. Its a time thing. We still see the OM occasionally because our kids are on same sports team. <BR><P>------------------<BR>jnvc

We have been in recovery 8 months but at the beginning I, too, would say negative things about the OW. He would defend her. We discussed this and he said (since he did the same things she did) that when I critisized her..he felt like I was critisizing him. I think this is fairly typical. Your husband needs to discover on his own that she isn't a very good person. In my case, his defense of her had nothing to do with his desire to be with her. There has been no contact since he told her it was over (June 23). My suggestion to you would be to stop saying things about her. Eventually he will realize that a "religious" woman with small kids who has sex with other women's husbands is not a very great person.<P>Tammy<P>------------------<BR>I used to be "Hopeful in Michigan" but the board will not allow me to use that password anymore.<P>A LITTLE kindness can make a big difference!<P>We can survive this!

saying bad things about the ow will get you no where fast! He probably severed contact with her while things still felt good. Right now he can't go there. Don't address her. Treat her like a non entity. Focus on your marriage. The further into your recovery you are the less attractive the OW is. That's what you should concentrate on.<P>cleo

BlueLou,<P>For your H to admit that the OW wasn't all she was cracked up to be would be the same as admitting he is "an idiot".<P>In his way of thinking, only an "idiot" would risk his marriage (the love of a good woman), his family, his job, etc. for a woman who has whatever faults she has. <P>This is a typical WS defense mechanism. It is an ego-salvaging maneuver. It's human nature.<P>Don't let it make you lose self esteem, peace of mind or cripple your recovery. <P>It will have to be enough for YOU (and the rest of us BS here on the forum!) to know that she was isn't a princess in an ivory tower or the best thing since sliced bread. <P>Maybe somewhere down the road your H will see this. Maybe someday he may even SAY this. But never expect it. And NEVER demand such a confession out of him. <P>Your focus should be elsewhere (on your marriage and doing the MB principles. Not on the OW. She has no place in your marriage now. Kick her out of your conversations. <P>But if it will make you feel any better--list her faults to us here.<P>Vent on her here. Not to your H.

Read on this site about withdrawal from an affair. The affair is an addiction, and after it is "over" in reality, there is a period of withdrawal just as if he was quitting a substance. Your comments about the OW will be seen as (and are, at this point) disrespectful judgments, a very common love buster. As cleopatra points out, this is no longer about the OW - it is about you and your husband. Concentrate on that - Plan A as much as you can, and avoid love busters as much as possible. Work on your marriage - if he is amenable to any type of counseling or workshops, think about doing the MB telephone counseling or a proven effective marriage workshop. I think you will be ok if you can remember to be patient and remember it is an addiction.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

My H said good things about the OW, but once she started sleeping with his housemate...he didn't do it nearly so often. Bless her dark little heart for being so easy. H didn't feel quite so special, the first guy she took up with during one of their off times (one of our reconciliations) didn't bother him nearly so much, but...gosh, I think he trusted those 2 .<P>God does have a sense of humor.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8

Thanks again everyone for your insight. I'm having a very hard time staying focused on H and I when everything seems to have OW's "shadow" following us. I have been through some very tough times in my life, but this is something that has affected me on so many different levels. H was always my best friend, he is naturally the one I would have talked to about feelings in tough times, and he would have helped me through the tough times. This is like walking alone. I so miss that aspect of our relationship! Thanks again for steering me in the right direction. I seemed to get "derailed" in my thoughts and actions a million times a day.

BlueLou, I have the same experience and I appreciate all the great responses you got because they helped me too. The feeling of betrayal by your best friend is probably the most devastating part of the A. I have also been through a lot of tough times, but this is by far the hardest emotionally. Know that you're in good company here.