I am the OW. I need help to understand how long one stays in the fog and what does it take to finally get out of it?<BR>I have been reading the trying to understand all the different aspects of an A. My story is probably simliar to many others. For many years my H did not pay any attention to me and even put me down in front of friends and family.<BR>I eventually shut him out of my life and built a wall around myself to protect myself from the barbs and arrows that would come. During the summer, I met someone who filled all the ENs that had been lacking. Things progressed from friends before I realized what was happening. Maybe I was just naive or didn't want to see it. I also started a new job at that time which was extremely physically demanding. I would come home from work worn out and my H would make fun of me. As the A progressed, I knew it was wrong, but it feels so right to have someone tell me all the things that I need to hear. When the A was discovered last Nov., the OM's wife threw him out and they quickly<BR>divorced. For me it was too fast and my H said it was a wake up call for him. He has changed some of his habits, but he is still crude and a know-it-all which is really a big turn off to me.<BR>I realize that this forum is to help those wounded spouses, but I need to understand how someone finally got past the fog. What was it that made the person want to give their marriage another chance? <BR>I moved out for a week and went to live with the OM, but knew that wasn't the answer. My H let me come home, but things are so strained here. I'm thinking of getting my own place. And yes, the OM is still in the picture. I just can't seem to cut that tie and maybe, I just don't want to. Is that anyone who can help me understand this?<BR>I would appreciate any input.

dlm, Welcome. I'm a BS, but I can tell you what I've heard here. BTW, have you read Surviving an Affair by Willard and Jennifer Harley? It has a lot of good information about the "fog" of affairs. Since you are still engaged in the affair, the fog continues. It won't lift until you end the affair and you can't expect to feel to great about your H until the fog has lifted. The Harley's say that the worst pain of withdrawal is over in about 3 wks, but it can go on for months so they recommend antidepressant medication to help you through it. It seems like you know that moving in with the OM is not the answer so that only leaves you the option of divorce or working on your marriage. Counseling with the Harleys is great if you can afford it. You ended up having an affair because your H wasn't meeting your ENs. This will have to change for full recovery to take place. Both of you have to change and not just a little bit. Sounds like you're really struggling, good luck.

Dear DLM,<P>I too am a BS, but have recently seen how easy it is to become a WS. It sounds as if you are ready to make a change in your lifestyle and that is the first step. The second step is that you must cut off all contact with this other man. He is like a drug to you and you will keep going back for more as long as it is a carefree thing with none of the "married" strings attached. An A is easy. Do as LetSTry said and read the book. Another one that I found even more helpful is "After the Affair" by J. Abrahms...she goes into a lot of depth about the emotions you and your H are or will go through and that helps get some perspective.<P>I wish you well...get on the track that you know is right in your own mind and just make it happen.<P>-LL

Dlm,<P>I applaud you for coming forward. Your situation is somewhat related to mine-in fact I had to look at your address to make sure you are not the OW in my H's life. My H has made it look like I have thrown him out (back in November) when actually all he was doing was coming home and yelling at me telling me it was over so I suggested he live somewhere else. My H and OW met during the summer at work. The books Private Lies and Torn Asunder are good books to read. Please seek counseling. Susie is a WS and may give you some good advise on these forums. I would post a question to WS's in the recovery forum to find her and other WS's for answers. Private Lies has a good comment for WS's towards the end....I hope all turns out for you and your H!!!!

Trs,<BR>Thanks for responding. I have been doing a lot of soul searching. My marriage was in trouble a long time before this A took place. That doesn't excuse it in any way or<BR>justify what happened. it was a way to escape for me.<BR>A very damaging way. The one thing I am truly sorry for is hurting the wife. The A brought out the very worse in her character. I wish there were some way to direct her to this web site, but obviously I cannot. There have been so many things happen lately that my A is probably dying that natural death I keep hearing about. It leaves me with a great deal of pain and confusion. My H has been everything and more of what I read here. I can't believe his patience or kindness or nonjudgemental attitude towards me. Even when I am upset over something that has happened with the OM, my H is still there to support me. I am so blown away by his new behavior.<BR>Thank you for just allowing me to gain some understanding of all this.<P>And I did post on the recovery site to gain more understanding.<P>dlm

Hi there. I was the OW that divorced and married the OM. I may be able to help you a bit or at least understand where your coming from. However, I'm on my way out of the office for the day. I'll look for you tomorrow. I will say though that if your OM is dealing with a bitter ex your ride will be so difficult that unless your bond is extremely tight you'll not make it. I also want to add that if you are torn and your married to a man that is committed, forgiving and trying that your odds are better with him. You can't be "torn" if there is no love left. Good luck and I hope to talk to you tomorrow.

BonnieSept,<BR>Thanks for replying. I feel torn because of my girls. My daughter lives at home with her two girls. She just gave birth to the second one. My H and I have raised the first one. So I have just put all my needs on hold for the last 6 years. My H just couldn't deal with our daughter getting pregnant at 16 and with a black man. This caused him to become so angry and bitter and sarcastic about everything.<BR>All this came out in our marriage and how he related to me.<BR>He then took another job that made him live out of town during the week and he only came home on the week ends. I was the one who handled all the problems at home. Our son<BR>basically did his own thing and as long as he didn't get into any trouble, I just let him. The stress of all this was just overwhelming. It was during all this time that I could feel my love for my H turning into angry and resentment until I just build that wall around myself. I never let my guard down until I really got to know the OM.<BR>I know having an A is wrong and immoral. But so was living like I had been in my marriage, only that was legal. My confusion is assimilating the man my H was with what is is working on becoming. Because of my Christian beliefs, I know that marriage was made to last a lifetime. It is these beliefs that keep my mind in turmoil. If it weren't for them I could pack my bags and walk out the door without looking back at my H only at my girls. But for the first time I'm not so sure the OM is the right way to go either.<BR>Ultimatiums never seem to get you what you want. I won't be rushed or pushed by another man into doing things his way. And that is what the OM is trying to do. Then I got a letter from the ex yesterday. I understand her need to vent and spew venom, but I don't need mail. I really wish she would find this site and allow others to help her thru this. How did you decide the OM was right for you? Did you go back and give your marriage another try before ending it? I would like to know these things. There is so much information to wade thru and understand. But this is too important to casually rush thru. I would appreciate any help you can give me.<BR>dlm