It's very late and I just returned from placing a single red rose and a card on my WS's car window. I formalized the process of forgiving him.<P>In my card a wrote of how I must do this in order to move forward positively in any direction in my own life and that I forgive him for simply being human and inherently weak in spirit as a result. I forgave him for his lack of knowledge or power about effectively communicating in our marriage. I also said that I am still very confused and unsure as to what direction I am headed and that it will take a long time for the hurt to go away. Finally, I told him that I do not believe him to be a bad person and that I wish him happiness in life.<P>Why then do I feel like someone died? Maybe it is me that is dying. All I know is that I can't continue to hate him for what he has done and that forgiveness it the only healthy route for myself. I just expected to feel better after having let go.<P>-LL

You took a big step towards forgiving, but I'm not sure that it often completely happens in one big step...it tends to be an ongoing process for a while. But, perhaps even more relevantly, it is a bit like "someone has died". As you forgive, you are also accepting that some things about your marriage have changed forever, and there is grief associated with that. Grieving though is not all bad...yeah, it hurts, but it is also the emotional work necessary to deal with the changes and be able to move on and into the future. So, I think your feelings are quit normal, and will get better with time.<P>Hang in there--<P>Kathi

((((LearningLife))))<BR>I hope you're feeling a little better this morning. I know you're dealing with a lot. <P>Kathi's right, as I'm sure you know. It does hurt, but it sounds as if you know that you have to let go. I hope your life works out for you LL, but I think you know about living in the resentment. You can't do that to yourself.<P>I know you've done a lot of work on the pain of dealing with your father. I haven't really begun to deal with my "family", but in many ways you sound like me - grasping at straws, trying to find a way to fix this. Boy, I've been blessed to have met a wonderful family counselor at the treatment center my W is in. She keeps me in my feelings, and is always interrupting me saying "I'm not going to let you go to fixing". <P>So LL like me, I think you're where you need to be. Forgiving *is* hard when we've known so much betrayal, but you've got to do it for you. Let go of the expectations, you can't control him. <P>I can tell you LL, I'm going through learning to forgive, and I'm beginning to feel some peace. It's been 6 months, almost to the day. <P>I get some links to info from time to time on co-dependency,and sexual addiction. If you'd like me to send them to you, drop me an email (dbrons@ptd.net)Maybe you could fill me in on how it's going. I take it you're still apart.<P>Take care LearningLife. I still love your screen name <BR>David

{{{{{LL}}}}}}}<P>Torn Asunder explains that one of the grief processes of being betrayed is to actually feel like the WS has died. In a way all of our WS's have departed. They act differently-the old them is gone and this is a loss. Forgiving takes time. Yes-your H did some intense forms of betrayel but you also need to grow and change thru this-find out what need you were not meeting-find out who you are....keep learning everyday..you will make it-when I reached the grief stage I went on Zolaf-it helps during all the rough times-doesn't take away that pain though...

LL: I hope you are feeling better today. Yes, the pain does get easier. It's a pain that you don't want to wish upon your worse emeny.<BR>time does heal. You have to go on. Your family needs you. Try to smile. If only on the outside. take a walk and try to think of ways to make yourself better. Good Luck and keep me posted.