Good Morning All- <P>Hubby is getting set to leave for a few days (business) and I am seeing some signs that I need help with. We had a big talk this weekend about using Dr.Harley's techniques to help repair our relationship and he was VERY negative about it. He called this kind of therapy "quack medicine" and was doing the eye rolling and sarcastic biting comments thing. It came down to, he would do it if I FORCED him to (as we all know, if you don't want to do it, you will not get anything out of it, and can then say "see I tried it, and it didn't work"). He has tried to think of me some, he ordered a cookbook that I said I wanted, has tried to please me in the bedroom arena. However, <P>* he backed out of a date we had planned (said he wasn't feeling well, but was perfectly FINE and NORMAL the rest of the evening)<P>* he asked me stop going into his study when he was studying or on the computer unless I was invited (see's my presence as a lack of trust as in "what are you doing up here?")<P>* has started using his Palm Pilot again to download his e-mail (he has a seperate hotmail account) <P>* he has been distant when I talk of making love, unless I "push" it a little<P>There are a few other things, but have to take the kids to school. I would appreciate any feedback as I would like to talk to him before he leaves this afternoon. <P><BR>OK - Back from taking the kids to school. I remembered something else important that he said. He wants me to stop checking his e-mail accounts. He says that he feels like he is being investigated and that when he comes home he is under scrutiny all the time. That he has developed a "shadow" and he believes that I do not want to spend time with him, only that I want to check in on him. By the way, in e-mails to the OW, he used the term "it was killing hime that he had developed a "shadow", that he could not contact her the way he wanted (this was after the first time he had told me that it ended). Am I being too suspicious? He could just be tired of being checked on and not trusted when he REALLY is trying to be honest. At what point do I accept what he is saying at face value? It really bothers me that he feels I should need permission to come in while he is studying, and that he wants his e-mails provate. Have a great day everyone, any input will be appreciated. ------------------<BR>Blessings, RavensLady<p>[This message has been edited by RavensLady (edited March 05, 2001).]

Raven: oh my god it sounds like what i went thru...My advise to you is to keep trying. stop asking him to check his email, following him around. I know it hurts. he will lie to you and tell you that it is all over. you will eventually believe him and BOOMMMMMMMM she's still there...when the fog lifts' that's when you need to try and get in. be patient. be kind and loving. he does not need you to be the enemy. The ow is the enemy. Go do something nice for yourself. Go for a long walk and think of something nice that you want to do. I have been there. Cried many nights and walked many miles. i now have lost 30 lbs and are starting to shape up. he has not said a thing! My daughter noticed that i'm looking better but he has not. Keep going and don't give up...Good Luck

Invariable...<P>...it's got to comefrom your H.<P>You pushing and pushing...<BR>...isn't going to him the necessary motivation.<P>A third party...<BR>...like what was recommended early (telephone counseling with the Harley's)...<BR>...is the best approach.<P>Of course he you have every right to check up on him...<BR>...once he's <B>said</B> he i committed to the marriage.<P> <P>Jim

Thank you both for your input, unfortunately at this timewe are not in a financial position to do any type of phone counseling with the Harley's. We have 6 children and not enough of anything to go around right now (we used to have lots of love, that is what kept me going anyway). I just asked my H to give me some reassurance today, he was fairly amenable to that. Our sex life has improved 1000 %, and after a particularly involved session, I asked him, "Please tell me, you can't do this with me and then go off to be with (or want) someone else." I need to hear the words, the same way I need to hear him tell me he loves me as often as possible. I'm afraid this makes me a weak woman? I did take advice though about not pushing on other subjects. At least we didn't have any big blowups before he walked out the door today! Thanks! <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by NSR:<BR><B>Invariable...<P>...it's got to comefrom your H.<P>You pushing and pushing...<BR>...isn't going to him the necessary motivation.<P>A third party...<BR>...like what was recommended early (telephone counseling with the Harley's)...<BR>...is the best approach.<P>Of course he you have every right to check up on him...<BR>...once he's said</B> he i committed to the marriage.<P> <P>Jim<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>