i just have one question that i am trying to understand. bil told me that h loves me very much and bil said to go back home and make all the wrong right cause i was still there and loved him. h said that there is no way that he could make up for all the harm and pain that he has caused and that everytime he would look at me and the kids he would see all that pain and that he couldn't face that or make it right? is that a crock or what? my logic is that he should try and that his love would make it up or have any of you felt or are still feeling that way and what or if there is anything that can be done? thanks

hrtbroken - no, it is not a crock. It is something that many WS's, particularly male WS's feel. They don't think they are good enough for you anymore, that they have hurt you too much to possibly ever make up for it, that they will have to watch you suffer every time they are around you. Their guilt eats them up - and they are too blind to see that the only way to fix things is to do the right thing. They don't realize that taking responsibility for their actions will heal both their families' and themselves.<P>The only way you can help this along is by making every encounter he has with you as pleasant as possible. Let him know, if you can, that you have forgiven him. I have seen posts from former WS's that have indicated that these things have been so important in their ability to make the decision to recommit to their marriages and families. That is what Plan A is about... make the marriage a safe, blame-free place for him to come to. It is the only thing you can do to influence him in any way... other than that, you work on you and you keep your family as happy as possible.<P>Hope this helps...<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

As a former WS, I have to admit that it's very difficult to look at your spouse and not be reminded of all the pain you caused. I did a tremendous amount of damage and when I look at my H I wonder how I could have done something so terrible.<P>HOWEVER, I'm willing to deal with all that in order to save my marriage. I'd never turn and run the other way b/c I couldn't face up to what I've done.