I have posted a couple of other messages in different forums as I don't know exactly where I stand. H had an affair 4 years ago (long distance, letters, phone, one weekend together). He ended it when I found out we stayed together. During our marriage he has always felt the need to have female friends outside of the marriage. I have been included in the friendships but these were women that he had met at school, work, etc. Not a lot but one or two.<P>H spoke to me a few weeks ago and suddenly told me that he felt unhappy in the marriage. One day he says staying with me is what he wants next day it is divorce. H says he doesn't want to hurt me by having another affair. but he feels that our relationship is dead and can't be fixed. My red flags instantly went up. Even though he said no affair was happening I was suspect. He at one point said he was not sure if he was over OW from 4 years ago. Then next day said she wasn't problem. (I did snoop and found he did have her address in palm pilot along with a lot of other names I did not recognize). He travels all the time for work and I think that his need for female attention is getting the best of him. I'm sure he meets plenty of women on the road. He no longer includes me in the friendship. These I now feel are emotional affairs after reading MB stuff. How many? no clue. When he was home this weekend he was affectionate to me, and we talked easily. He really acted as if nothing was amiss. But then again he was looking in the paper at houses (for himself) and took a credit card application (for himself). The mixed signals were more than I could stand. But I remained calm. At supper I felt sick due to all the emotion. Later he asked me if I had gotten sick. I said no but that it was hard for me to deal with all of this. What I was going through was normal for someone in my situation. He said you scare me when you are like this. I was very calm actually, he freaked out a bit. He said he couldn't take it and went to a friends house. I asked him to stay and talk, but he can't handle seeing me upset and he refuses to talk to me about what is going on in his mind. I told him how unfair I thought it was that he not talk to me, his wife, not even give me a chance. Told him that yes he was going ot have to face the fact that this whole process is going to make me upset and he will have to deal with it. That is reality!!!!! He is causing me great emotional distress. Think he thinks that he and I will remain great friends after divorce and that I will let all this go by without a show of emotion. Maybe at some point I won't hate him but the healing process will be very slow for me as I am the type to form few strong bonds with people and the severing of one of those bonds will be very traumatic for me. Hope all this makes him happy!!! He showed up here this morning again before leaving for the airport. Had breakfast. I told him I was very offended that he thought I was being so irrational and he admitted that I wasn't. I took D to school and came back, he was still here but ready to walk out door. As he passed me he stopped and looked at me reached up and caressed my shoulder. He had tears in his eyes. I am not taking this as any sign of reconciliation but do wonder why he seems so h***bent on ending our 11 year marriage when we both obviously have feelings for each other. <P>Guess this was more of a vent than a question. Has anyone experienced anything similar? I'm hoping for the best but not too hopeful at this point. I am fortunate to have the support of family and friends (something he does not have)<BR>I'm scared so very scared but know I will make it whatever may happen. Help me to remain strong!!

Dear Hope,<P>Welcome to this forum. Wow, I can relate to many of your feelings and comments. I too am in this scenario. My H is strongly (for whatever reason which is still being uncovered) pulled to look for sex & eventually companionship outside our marriage. <P>I for my part have shown and always have shown him a loving relationship and he even acknowledges that his desire to go elsewhere is due to his inability to cope with giving love when he does not know what it feels like to receive it (had no natural affection from his parents). Now we are finding out that certain events in his life (prior to our getting together) do not have closure and this has hampered our marriage. This new information is an eye opener, I am not sure how much it plays on the current situation but I feel sure that it does have some impact. <P>My H always thought he was a one woman man, but his actions have proved otherwise. This conduct of his is demoralizing to him but he seems helpless to stop it. <P>H has been like this for about a 1 1/2 years. Prior to this he had issues but was a faithful husband. I don't think even he knew he would be acting this way. <P>Which brings me to your situation. Have you and your H had counseling? My H is open to counseling but tends to be a bit antagonistic at the beginning. Does your H like the way he is behaving? Does he seem frustrated with himself and is he aware of his changes in personality? <P>The WS (wayward spouse) may be in a fog, you may feel like you are riding a rollercoaster. Do not put too much emphasis in his plans since they may change in a minute. Save your energy and plans when you must deal with him. Work hard on your stability. It may take a while but your H will need to see the difference in your paths. Your stability and his indecisiveness. Big difference. One has more confidence (you) and the other is unsettled and unhappy. Don't let your H put the anger he has at himself on you. Only take what anger belongs to you and apologize for it and it only. <P><BR>Finding answers to these questions are just the beginning. There is someone on this board who can outline some of the information you may find helpful. They usually do a 'welcome type of message to those who are new here'. <P>Also, you can read the write-ups associated with this site. If you can get a hold of a copy of Suriving an Affair, you may find it an eye opener. I am fairly new compared to the many others that have been dealing with these issues for many months. The experiences of many of those posting here offer emotional support when we really need it. <P>You will have a full array of emotions. I had anxiety attacks that lasted for 8 weeks (about 2 - 3 times a week at first). Cried, cried, cried for what seemed like forever. Got angry, sad, frustrated, mad, hurt, and more. Does it go away? Eventually those emotions subside, but you need to let them out and not stay bottled in. Begin your support group of those around you. Let them know how they can help you during crisis times. Friends, neighbors, family, work mates, even at times our children can lend a hand. They can not take our problem but they can in their own way help us. Allow yourself time to pamper yourself. Breathe..... Post your feelings and questions here. ...<P>Most important... know you are not alone here. <P>Please take care,<BR>L.

Orchid:<P>Like your husband mine always prided himself on how he was devoted to one person. One of the attributes that helped me fall head over heals in love with him. I do believe that he does not like the person he has become. He to has issues from the past that he does not deal with. His parents divorce 20 years ago still bothers him. In fact just the other day he asked his mom if she still loved his dad!! His sense of family is not nearly as strong as mine. I have frequent contact with my immediate family but husband rarely hears from his mom dad or sister. Granted they live overseas but in this day and age of computers keeping in touch is very easy. No one in his family seems real willing to put forth the effort- This I think has a major impact on how he deals with me. He did mention in a recent conversation that I needed stabilty and he did not. Although he really has not told me what is causing all this he has maintained that there is nothing I have done and it is all him. This pains me as I want to help but he just shuts me out. H has always had a short temper and tends to swear when frustrated. There are times when I am the one he yells at. I take it for what it is and move on. He said the other day how can I say those things to someone I love? He hates that he does this but feels he can't stop it I guess.<P>As for counselling...he is not receptive to the idea at this point. Think he is afraid to hear that his fantasy is just that and he needs to deal with issues instead of run away from them. If we do decide to reconcile his getting some counselling will be a must. I am strongly considering it myself and plan to set an appointment with one of the Harleys this week.<P>I thank you for your response and wish you the best.

Welcome to the small group of MBers here in Phoenix!<P>I'd say your H sounds very conflicted, like my EX was. He probably sees no other option than divorce. Some part of him has decided that the marriage cannot be saved. I would guess that his own guilt over his affairs (yes, I believe he is not telling you everything) is leading him down this path.<P>The fact that he teared up when he touched you tells me that he still has very intense feelings for you. Perhaps too intense. Perhaps he feels that affairs ALWAYS lead to divorce, so he's trying to do what he feels is "right" in his mind. Perhaps he feels that he has failed you (by being unfaithful), and therefore does not deserve you anymore. You said he's still bothered by his parents' divorce...imagine what he must be feeling, now that he is facing that which has haunted him for 20 years!<P>I would involve him in the process as much as you can. Show him this site. Encourage him to get involved in saving your marriage. Like you, I suspect he is also "hopeless in AZ," but for different reasons. Give him hope.

Cjack-<P>I think you are so right. I get so frustrated by this whole situation that I want to scream at him to wake up!!!!<BR>I liken it to being an alcoholic in that he needs to decide that he has a problem and needs to deal with it. Unless/Until he decides that my pleas will only be regarded as nagging. I try to remain strong but feel he needs to find his own way home.<P>Hope you are enjoying the mustang. Wish the weather here would get with it. I love the heat!!!!! Hate the cool rain!

Sundevil State,<P>Read, Read, Read!!!! Print out all infor on Plan A and Plan B. I would recommend th following books, Surviving and Affair, Torn Asunder and Private Lies..These will help you understand yourself and your H. Both of your emotions are going in the right path-in other words most people feel the way both you are feeling and reacting. This is considered a crisis. Please seek counseling. My thougts and prayers are with you and your family....